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Survivor: The Amazon - It's a Beautiful Day in Survivorhoodby Ken Kellam III -- 02/28/2003
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On the morning before episode 3 aired, the world learned Mr. Rogers had left the neighborhood for the last time. It got me thinking what he would say regarding the cast of Survivor: The Amazon. And then, as I was re-watching the episode on tape, someone I don't know left me an instant message regarding the departed TV host. Here is it, complete with misspellings and bad grammar: "In honor of Mr.Rogers, send this to everyone on your budy list. Never forget the dead. Mr.Rogers helped us learn tie our shoes, dress kool, be a GOOD NEIGHBOR, He taught us many morals and much goodness. In memory of him- send this to everyone- if you dont, YOU ARE HORRIBLE PERSON! Everyone saw Mr. Rogers one time or another... Don't be ashamed."
So what exactly would the cardiganed one say about "Survivorhood?" Who's been a good neighbor? Who's the reason you have neighborhood watch? Who should be arrested for disturbing the peace? Here's how the dialogue might go:
Hey boys and girls, JoAnna wasn't very neighborly to Christy last week. In fact, she wasn't neighborly to anyone else. Remember, it's usually considered good manners to shut your trap when others are trying to sleep. Can you say "pain in the butt?" If fact, boys and girls, even one of the boys has already decided he doesn't like JoAnna, because she claims Jesus loves Jaburu. But did you notice that when the boys had the immunity idol they didn't get any rain? Maybe JoAnna can show some manners and SHUT HER FREAKIN' TRAP!! Boys and girl, maybe it rained on the women as punishment for JoAnna's loud mouth.
Oh, look. The three hottest women neighbors are bathing topless. Let's get out Mr. Telescope. My, what nice boobies we have. What's that, Kitty Kitty Meow Meow? Well, you're right. The other four women might see those three as an alliance and boot them off, if you can imagine Christy and JoAnna aligning. And honestly, Paschal will align with Sean before that happens - what's that? Oh, that DID happen? Okay, never mind.
Okay boys and girls. Let's look at the girls' tribe. The tribe name is spelled J-a-b-u-r-u, But the campsite is spelled d-i-s-o-r-g-a-n-i-z-e-d. The girls need to learn a new word: leadership. Oh, look, they've just elected Deena as leader. But boys and girls, someone doesn't look right. Mr. Rogers smells a set-up. Those who try to be leaders in Survivorhood usually get a one-way ticket to another place. Well, well, it looks like the girls are actually doing what Miss Deena tells them without complaining.
Now it's time to watch Dan and Matt. If you can't understand them, that's because they're speaking in Chinese. But at least they're smart enough to do so when no one else is listening, as far as we know. And is it just a coincidence that two men are speaking "MANdarin" Chinese? Sorry kids, that was just a little joke. Now you know why Mr. Rogers isn't a stand-up comic.
Well, we have a real treat in store for you now. It's called a "reward challenge." The boys and girls will face each other in a game that is patterned after "Go Fish." The men have the lead. Maybe this time they women won't kick their butts. Uh oh. The girls just caught up, and have now won the challenge. The boys should know better than to think with their hormones. Especially Daniel, who was so infatuated with Heidi, he asked her a question that had already been asked of her.
Speaking of Daniel, have you noticed how he and Roger can't play nice with each other? Despite having a nicer shelter than the women, Daniel and Roger haven't learned how to build a bridge between them. Soon, the other little boys are going to have to choose sides. Whoever has the fewest friends side with him will have to leave the playground, er, game.
Now, let's look at Rob. Did you hear him say he's on the outside looking in? That's called being a player, kids. Rob knows full well he's not in any danger. He's just trying to figure out whether the other kids will side with Roger or Daniel. He doesn't really like Roger. But he's willing to pretend to be his friend until he can get enough kids together to give the ex-Marine a dishonorable discharge from the game.
Now, it's time for the immunity challenge. Can the boys get their acts together for only the second time in the game? Well, apparently not. Of course, for the girls, the victory is what adults call a "mixed blessing." Yes, they won, but that means they have to listen to JoAnna for three more days. If Mr. Rogers were in charge of things, Miss JoAnna would be sentenced to a 42-day time out.
No kids, the problem is not with your TV set. The girls just beat the boys again. One of the boys is about to be kicked off the playground. Mr. Rogers think it will be a close vote between Roger and Daniel.
Okay, we're going to be a fly on wall at tribal council. Did any of you notice the look on Matt's face when Daniel said Matt knew how to speak Mandarin Chinese? Matt probably didn't want the other kids to know that. Did you also notice that Daniel claimed he was different from the others because of race? And did you see how quickly Rob rebutted Daniel's comments? You're right. Rob was one of Daniel's allies. But Daniel might've made a boo-boo by not keeping quiet during tribal council.
Okay, the votes are being revealed. Looks like it wasn't nearly as close as Mr. Rogers thought it would be. In fact, it's unanimous. Daniel has been told to take his toys and go home. Even though Alex had a run-in with Roger, Rob wants the eldest tribesman out, and Matt spoke Daniel's language, literally, they decided to say bye to Dan instead. Will the men of the "Testosterone" tribe be "fit to be tied" at their next tribal council, assuming they go again? To find out, tune in next time to "Survivorhood."
Ken can be reached with any comments, criticisms, or money orders at YourNextOfKen@aol.com.
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