Are You Hot?, Episode 3: Northwest - "It's a Real Empty Feeling"

OK, so I didn't move to Georgia. However, the good thing is that I can now move to Washington State. Ten of the 16 contestants were from there, five from Colorado and one from Oregon. Clearly, the distribution of hot people leaves something to be desired, especially when considering last week's uneven distribution. Come on, Montana! Go, Kansas! Nebraska's got to have one hot farm girl! I hope next week we're drowning in hotties from Arizona and New Mexico, but with California and Texas in the region I know there is no hope.

Also this week, the experts appear to be using bigger words (succulent, phenomenal) and getting more comfortable in their role (not seeing such capriciousness in scoring). However, the show still sucks. I've heard my mother-in-law is addicted - although I wonder if that's just to make me feel better…

Anyway, on to this week's show. The semifinalists that won the Southeast were Ryan Irons, Kevin P, Chantille, and Valerie White. Valerie displays her vast intellect and explains she's so excited because it's not just her family and friends, it's like everybody who thinks she's hot. Ryan says he totally didn't expect this, and Kevin and Chenille say it feels great. Luciano and Aeriel are this week's whiners - both think they are hotter than the winners. Yeah, yeah, we've heard it before. My husband is very sad that Wendy Lynn didn't make it. He was actually cheering for her. I roll my eyes.

The famous JD Roberto (who you may remember from the hit series "You Lie Like a Dog"), shouts that we are going to continue our mission to find the sexiest people in America. Oh joy - I can't wait.

Next up is the Parade of Losers - when they show all 32 people briefly and the giant hot-or-not sign indicates whether they will be scrutinized further or allowed to go home and cry about how unfair it was. Highlights: the guy with opera glasses checking out Amber, Ginger the lumberjack (enough said), and Aja the tango dancer, who makes moves that would break a mere mortal's neck. However, the real highlight is ERIC WATSON. I confess, I've never seen anyone I consider truly amazing-looking in either of the two previous episodes. When ERIC WATSON comes out in his firefighter duds, I involuntarily shout out loud, "Oh god, take me, take me!!" I immediately forgive my husband for the cheering over Wendy Lynn. I can't say whether it's the eyes, or firefighter outfit, or great body, but it is my everlasting belief that ERIC WATSON is the sexiest person I've ever seen.

OK, enough about ERIC WATSON for now. The Parade of Losers finishes, and we hear Amanda and Denise (two losers) complain, and then the shining moment of the episode occurs: Josh (another reject) stares dejectedly into the camera, and explains that, "It's a real empty feeling." Enough said. I cannot make any point about this show more clear than that. Empty heads, empty comments, empty dialog - empty is just the greatest word to describe this show.

On to meet our 16 contestants (all scores are Face/Body/Sex Appeal):

Our first contestant is Aja, a 20-year-old tango dance instructor from Boulder, CO. She does a cartwheel down the catwalk, and definitely has presence. Rachel asks her to stop the smoky stare and gives her an 8.0/6.0/7.5 (the 7.5 was because Rachel felt that if she were there with her boyfriend, Aja would try to take him away). Randolph asks her to smile and relax, and turn around (maybe he heard his doctor say that too many times?). Anyway, he says she's got a great face and gives her 8.1/7.9/7.9. Lorenzo asks her nationality, and Aja says she is a bit Irish, and a bit French. Lorenzo says he's feeling a little Irish spring, and gives her 9.0/8.5/9.0.

Next up is Brandon, a 20-year-old sales associate from Bellevue, WA. Randolph starts by saying the guy has a square and boxy face, which sometimes looks better from an angle and asks him to give a profile. Needless to say, it doesn't improve the look. Randolph gives 8.1/7.9/8.1. Lorenzo gives 9.0/8.0/8.5 because it looks like Brandon is having a good time. Rachel asks if he plucks his eyebrows - Brandon says he has a unibrow otherwise, and Rachel asks the girls in the audience if Brandon would get a second look if he was walking down the street? She gets loud applause, while Brandon writhes and wiggles and waves his body onstage. Ugh. Anyway, she gives him 8.9/8.9/8.2.

Next is Jessica, a 27-year-old business owner from Redmond, WA, who claims that her body is perfection. Randolph asks her to let her hair down, and she shakes it out a la Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. He asks her whether she's had some help with her chest, and she says yes, and then Randolph points out that her left breast is quite a bit more perky and full than the other - it is definitely quite noticeable. He gives her 8.0/8.9/9.8 (the sex appeal because she's just smokin'!). Rachel gets upset that Randolph pointed out the uneven chest - she thinks that guys should have to take their balls out to compare. Anyway, she gives 9.0/9.2/9.7. Lorenzo asks her to turn around, and uses his laser-pointer to highlight some stretch marks on her hips. He gives her 9.0/8.5 (because she's too thin)/9.0 (for overall sweetness). Is she smokin' or sweet? Who knows? (Really, who cares? I just think she is bony and has huge eyebrows.)