Meet ‘The Family’

Ten family members.

One million dollars.

And one big secret.

In the vein of Fox's Joe Millionaire comes the latest of reality TV shows with the audience in on the joke from the beginning and the cast unaware of who will ultimately decide the victor.

Welcome to The Family, Tuesday at 10/9 Central on ABC, where ten family members are spirited away from their ho-hum lives and planted in the lap of luxury with a fully-stocked house complete with a full staff of employees ranging from a butler and personal trainer to a tennis pro and a personal secretary. The ten family members will compete against each other for the right to partake of the best that money can buy – use of the private jet or a cruise on the family yacht.

The show's big secret though is the Board of Trustees who judge the family members is made up of... you guessed it... the staff. Although the family is oblivious to this fact, the home viewers will get the opportunity to sneak a peak at their private meetings where they will ultimately determine who will remain in the game and who will be given the shaft. But, to top it off, the eliminated players won't be leaving the competition – they will be staying on in the house and interacting with their family members who are still in the competition.

Now, to be a little honest, knowing that the good majority of this cast lives well within a short driving distance of my apartment makes me a little nervous. If I come home from work or rugby practice and see them waiting on my doorstep with some baseball bats, I had better hope that my scrum drills at least helps me get up to the second floor before they chase me down. But on a serious note... please don't kill me. Dinner maybe?

I love all of you. Really. I do.

So what are we waiting for... let's meet The Family.

1) Uncle Michael – " The ultimate patriarch, Uncle Mike is the leader of the family. Suave and in-control, Uncle Michael sees himself as the dominant player in this game and has never met a challenge he couldn't overcome. While all the young men of the family respect him, they are also out to get him."

With Uncle Michael seemingly in the crosshairs of the other men in the family, it wouldn't be inconceivable to think that he would be one of the first to be sent before the Board of Trustees for judgment. Now whether or not he gets the boot will depend solely upon how well he can remain "in control" of his emotions and temper when dealing with the house staff.

2) Aunt Donna – "Uncle Michael's wife, Donna, is a strong-willed woman who clearly likes things done her way and is not afraid to speak her mind. She'd like to see her husband win, but she'd like even better to win the million herself and gain bragging rights for a lifetime."

Hoo boy. Aunt Donna likes things done her way, which means that I can see her bitching to the maid that she didn't do the bed in hospital corners or if her eggs are just a bit too runny or maybe too firm or not as fluffy as she would like. With the fact that Donna seems to be... how shall I say this... a little verbal, I cannot fathom her winning this, although I do think that she will provide me with a litany of one-liners that will keep me well-stocked for the rest of the year.

3) Cousin Anthony – "The confident son of Uncle Michael and Aunt Donna, Anthony is definitely the playboy of the family. He's a dance instructor who knows how to put on the moves to impress the ladies, and is as competitive as his parents are when it comes to winning that million."

Anthony, Anthony, Anthony. He may be able to schmooze the female staff into keeping him around for a while, but I have a good idea that they will soon see through the charm and the smile. Methinks, using the special technique that I have developed over years and years of reality TV viewing, that Anthony thinks that a wink and a smile will get him through most situations. Except this one.

4) Cousin Dawn Marie – "What you see is what you get with Dawn Marie. She tells it like it is and takes no prisoners. She feels her family doesn't think she has the intelligence to prevail, fueling her incentive to prove them wrong. Though her presence is sometimes larger than life, her mind is always focused on family, particularly her husband and two children back home."

Again, I’m concerned with the mouths on these people. Will they need muzzles to keep them from getting into trouble? Now, we’ve already seen a few clips where Dawn Marie is in a boat and crying so I can only wonder what that is all about because it doesn’t look like it turns out well for her at all. In another commercial we saw Dawn Marie giving one of her family members a well-deserved piece of her mind.