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Reality High Test Results, Survivor: The Amazon Episode 3 – Happiness Is A Warm Magic 8-Ballby Brian James -- 03/05/2003
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Since the first session of class this semester was so tumultuous, I decided to take a different approach this week – one that I thought might be more relaxing for all of us and offer me some additional insight into each student's thought process. "Instead of a traditional test," I told the class, "I'm going to give you a list of common sayings, quotes, titles, and other items. All you have to do is check 'Agree' or 'Disagree.'"
"HALLELUJAH!!! OH, GLORY!!!" shouted JoAnna.
I cringed, popped an Excedrin, and passed out the questionnaires. Rob pulled out his Magic 8-Ball. "Will I get the first question right?" he asked as he shook it.
"Cannot predict now," I told him as I confiscated it. "Come on. All you have to do is give your honest opinion. It's not rocket science – "
Dave raised his hand politely.
"Er – brain surgery," I continued. Dave put his hand down. "I guarantee it's the easiest thing you'll ever have to do in this class." Rob grumbled a bit but settled into answering along with everyone else. While they were occupied, I fed the rabbits.
"HALLELUJAH!!! OH, GLORY!!!" shouted JoAnna as she finished.
Have you ever dropped an almost full bag of rabbit pellets all over the floor? Cleanup is not fun.
Soon everyone was finished and class was dismissed. I took a look at the results:
1. What a difference a day makes.
The members of Jaburu all agreed. It's remarkable how much their tribe transformed seemingly overnight. Under Deena's delegation, the shelter got completed, the site got cleaned up, and the women finally managed to catch some sizable fish. Even JoAnna and Christy seemed to be getting along. They hadn't completely morphed into the Get-Along Gang just yet, however...
2. Let someone else take the fall.
Jeanne agreed. She and Pot – er, JoAnna – thought that Deena might prove to be a bit of a hothead, so when it came time to select a leader, Jeanne "initiated" Deena, which might have made more sense had Jaburu been a cult or sorority and Deena would have had to, say, eat twenty tarantulas and sign her name in blood. In any event, while it was refreshing to see that Jeanne's griping about needing a leader actually led somewhere, Jeanne's plan seemed to backfire somewhat. Deena wisely agreed only to delegate chores, and people seemed to like her and respect her ability – plus, she got the job done quite well. All those things could actually work in Deena's favor. However, next week's previews promise a clash in the tribe over chores, so Jeanne may have the last laugh after all. Whatever happens, Jeanne's definitely proven she's playing the game and is someone to watch.
3. "Just because we're pretty, everybody's jealous!" (Concetta, Female Trouble)
Heidi: The cuter girls – me and Jenna and Shawna – went off from the older women because we're younger, we're cuter, we've got better bodies, and for some reason that's a huge issue for older people!
Oh my God – so now the bathing schedule is according to AESTHETICS?! And how can she call the three of them the "younger" ones when she and Christy are the same age? Oh yeah – there's that pesky "communication" thing. Whatever. In any event, Heidi's stock plummeted this week both on the message boards and in the CBS.com popularity poll, where she plunged from the low 70's to the high 40's. And quite frankly, I think Jenna's more attractive.
4. "How Can I Keep From Singing?" (Enya)
JoAnna agreed. In retrospect, I should have given her this one as an essay question. You know it's bad when not only is it getting on the nerves of people on the other tribe, but it's even invading their thought balloons! Remember that part when the guys talked about the girls and the girls appeared in cheesy wedding portrait ovals straight out of ABBA's "Knowing Me, Knowing You" video? Jenna, Shawna, and Heidi were all smiling and silent. Then poor Rob gets saddled with JoAnna's thought balloon. "HALLELUJAH!!! OH, GLORY!!!" it bellowed. Even her THOUGHT BALLOON won't shut up! If they ever remake The Electric Company, I think we've found our "HEY, YOU GUYS!!!!!!" person.
Speaking of Rob:
5. Quit while you're ahead.
Rob: I didn't know Jesus had a vested interest in Survivor.
Rob: (continuing) ...because Jesus is a guy, I would think he'd want the guys to win!
America: (pelts things at screen)
6. Be prepared.
Considering this is the Boy Scouts' motto, it's pretty ironic that Jaburu agreed and Tambaqui disagreed. Nevertheless, Jaburu was very focused this week, preparing for the challenges as if they were preparing for battle – complete with appropriate accompanying music. Machetes were sharpened! Team chants were chanted! Heidi and Jenna... brushed their hair. But that probably was the best preparation given the state of the Tambaqui men, where focus and preparation amounted to shaking the Magic 8-Ball and saying things like, "Hmmmm... gee... will Jenna notice me at the challenge?" I swear, it's like Survivor: The Catholic School Years. Result: Jaburu 2, Tambaqui 0.
Oh – and the sight of the defeated men coming home to the "BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!" banner? NEVER gets old. Pure comedy gold.1 2 Next-->
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