Reality High Test Results, Survivor: The Amazon Episode 3 – Happiness Is A Warm Magic 8-Ball

7. Yes, Virginia, there is plotting and scheming on Survivor.

Dave disagreed. He seemed utterly amazed to realize that people were – gasp! – talking behind each others' backs and playing the game! I sat Dave down and broke the news gently to him that while we're at it, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy don't really exist. "But... but... I used to get quarters... and the milk and cookies were always gone..." he stammered. I patted him on the head and assured him it would all be OK.

8. A place for everything and everything in its place.

Matthew agreed. He lamented to the men about the lack of proper "service vessels" for his I Can't Believe It's Not Bouillabaisse! Martha Stewart no doubt was nodding in approval as she gave her TV screen the lowdown on how to make authentic Wedgewood china service for 12 from ordinary tree bark in just 153 easy steps, but the rest of us...

Me: Service vessels?!? SERVICE VESSELS?! WHO ON EARTH talks like that?!?

Loyal Reader "Bubbles": HELLO!! It's a BOWL, OK?! It's a BOWL!!!

Somehow I'm thinking that if I were starving in the Amazon, proper soup tureens wouldn't exactly be my highest priority, if nothing else because just the very word "tureen" makes me feel like the Mad Hatter, the March Hare, and the Dormouse would be about to join me for high tea.

9. When I say "jump," you say, "how high?"

Roger emphatically agreed. He asked Daniel, who appeared to be working on something, to go for a water run. When Daniel didn't immediately drop everything and go, he stomped off to do it himself. Roger said that Daniel "got him hot," Matthew told Daniel that Roger's "position" wasn't very "firm," and the slash fanfic continued to write itself. Before all was said and done, Roger said he wanted to slap Daniel around and the possibly racist "give him a kung fu chop," Daniel said Roger smelled like spoiled vinegar, Matthew and Daniel yakked bilingually, Daniel continued to audition for Blinky in The Real Live Pac-Man when he wasn't blowing questions in the reward challenge, Alex and Rob went back and forth more times than a ping pong ball on whether to vote out Roger or Daniel, and I was left screaming at the screen, "Can't we vote them BOTH out?!?" Seriously – Roger's an obnoxious ass, but Daniel seemed useless and vacuous, and overall I found myself wishing Daniel had gone the first week, Roger this week, and Ryan were still in the game. Not that I thought that Ryan was all that stellar of a player, mind you, but I'd take him any day over those two clowns.

Now, originally I had thought that Daniel's blatantly revealing that he and Matthew had a secret method of communication – Mandarin Chinese – was one of THE stupidest moves I'd EVER seen in this game, because between that and Rob bristling at being accused of possible racism, it seemed like EVERYONE turned against him, including Matthew. However, Daniel's said in postgame interviews and chats that not only did the others all know about it, but he knew he would be going and told Matthew to vote for him. Whatever might have caused it, though, Matthew's "D'oh!" look at Tribal Council when Daniel seemingly spilled the beans was still priceless.

Even if the others all knew about it, it still wouldn't seem the wisest move in this game for two people to blithely chat away in a foreign language. Even under ordinary circumstances, I think most people would find it quite cliquish and rude – for example, I had two acquaintances who would insult other people around them in French, and even though I understood French and knew what they were saying for the most part, I still found it obnoxious. (It was priceless when one day they "secretly" insulted a guy and he immediately tore them a new one right back in perfect French.) Add to this the basic level of paranoia this game instills in people to begin with, and I would think the others would start wondering if they were talking about them and want to vote one of them out to prevent any "secret" alliance.

After I was finished, I noticed I'd forgotten to give Rob back his Magic 8-Ball. Just for the hell of it, I decided to ask it a few questions of my own:

Will I be getting a much-deserved raise?
Reply hazy, try again.

Will JoAnna stop shrieking "HALLELUJAH!!! OH, GLORY!!!"?
My sources say no.

Will Roger reveal his kinder, gentler side?
Outlook not so good.

Would you could you on a boat? Would you could you with a goat?
Ask again later.

Why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near?
Yes or no questions only, smartass.

Will my students provide me with good column material next week by continuing to make stupid errors aplenty?
You may rely on it.

Brian James is an actor/writer in New York City. An avid reality show, Passions, retro music, and Internet discussion board junkie, he can be found holding up "Will Snark For Food" signs in subway stations as he continues to search for that elusive "day job." Brian would like to stress that this column is based solely on the "TV characters" he witnesses once a week, not on how contestants behave in real life. Comments and cybertomatoes accepted at laken44@yahoo.com.

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