Married By America, Episode 1: The Interview Competition

I saw a commercial before this show started that this was supposed to be the most controversial relationship experiment in the history of television. I have always thought that credit went to Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire, because no matter how hard we try, we still can't seem to get rid of Darva Conger. Rick Rockwell has somewhat gone off into the distance but sadly, Darva paraded herself in front of the Today Show three times because after all she just wanted the media to leave her alone and where else can you do that but keep yourself in front of the camera over and over.

Our host for this evening, and presumably for the rest of the show, is Sean Valentine, and since I have no idea who he is, I feel compelled to give him a nickname as I've done with The Bachelor/ette's Smitty and I'm a Celebrity's Kumquat. Let me think for a moment. It's coming to me. Our host is going to be called Goober. No reason for it. Just kinda fits the show and him for the moment. So Goober it is.

Goober reminds us of the premise that America will be putting five couples together and each couple will marry, sight unseen, on national television in marriages arranged by the national viewing audience. Please note that this isn't entirely true as I will explain later on when we get the actual process by which the people are selected, but I thought I would pass along the little white lie that Goober has bestowed upon us. And with that we get to meet the five people whose lives are soon going to have an annulment in their future. I'm sure they can ask Darva Conger which lawyer she used for her court appearance.

Now, believe it or not, there is actually a prize package associated with this show. Each couple will receive a luxury car and $100,000 – although they aren't clear as to whether or not it's $50,000 or $100,000 each. And, if they wind up staying married, then they will also earn a house. Hello! I'm there! I'm doing the show. They can buy me a nice house in NYC anytime. Preferably something down around Perry and Houston. I like that neighborhood.

"Where was this show when I was getting married?" Goober complains. Who cares about your marriage, Goober? This is all about the five people who have agreed to be a part of this for whatever reason.

Up first is Jill. We see her bedroom and she's from Long Island, New York. Mom says she wants someone who wants her for who she is and not just for the pretty face. Mom, I've known a lot of pretty faces but they were vile and black of heart underneath. Apparently, Jill's job is important to her and we never really know what she does for a living, though I'm guessing she's a sports reporter since we see her on an ice rink. Jill relates that she's been called selfish since she needs a lot of attention and thinks that she can find someone and be happy. And for some reason she thinks she can find it on this show.

Jill is called to center stage by Goober and we learn that she's some form of hostess, although Goober slurs his words and we can't really understand what kind of hostess she is. So why is she still single? Jill does this long fast talk about being wrapped up in her job and how important it is to her and she just doesn't have the time to find the secure man that she thinks will give her the attention she needs.

Then there's Stephen and the most memorable thing we see of him is his incessant hair fluffing that would drive me nuts. I'm also trying to figure out if he is independently wealthy, meaning that he has a car at his beck and call, or he just likes getting the town cars to take him everywhere. He says he's a hopeless romantic at heart and thinks that he has a lot to offer – sentiments echoed by his sister Paula. He really wants to meet someone and find the love of his life. He says he's at a place in his life where he's open to it.

I don't like this guy. Gut reaction – I just don't like him. It's not because he's tall, dark, and handsome. He says he's tired of the bar scene (despite owning a bar himself) and thinks that this is the unique experience he needs to meet his special woman.

Next we have Billie Jeanne, the third New Yorker gracing our stage. This means either I will have three people in NYC hating me by the end of this show, loving me, or putting a hit out on me. Or asking me over for dinner so we can talk it all out. Either way, with all of these New Yorkers on the show it makes me wonder more and more if I should just try out for one of these reality TV dating shows even though they will try to set me up with a woman, because apparently just being from NYC is enough as it is.

Billie Jeanne works at a bar and we see her slinging drinks. She even has the memorable line asking whether or not the world is ready for her because she's going to "kick your ass mother..." well you know what comes after mother. It was bleeped out so we all know what she said. Her friend thinks she is sexy, flirtatious, and a little wild. Billie Jeanne says she's always been a fighter and will pull through. She's had tough times but she just keeps going. She wants someone to love her for who she is.

So here she comes down the aisle and I'm not impressed at all. She looks like an 8th Avenue prostitute with what she's wearing. She says she's never had a problem meeting guys but she just has such a problem weeding through all of the guys that she meets to find her true Prince Charming. Maybe it's because you dress and act like a whore so they have that impression of you. F*ck me if I'm wrong (and I don't think I am) but that could be part of it.