American Idol 2, March 5: Justify My Love

Got an hour to kill? See Fox! Sure, tonight's wildcard results show could have been a half hour, and an exciting, satisfying half hour. But, naw. There are advertising dollars to be made. Don't be so sensible... and naive. Tonight, the judges and America get to send four of the nine Wildcards to the prestigious Top Ten, er, Twelve. In a night I thought was a slam dunk, I learned again... you just never know. And, sometimes, life just ain't fair.

Ryan Seacrest welcomes us (I will say again, I just don't miss Brian Dunkleman. Do you wonder what he thinks watching American Idol now? Is he throwing old socks at his television every time he sees Seacrest? That's all the space I'm willing to give him). It's the wildcard results show! Fluffy nonsense.

Ryan reintroduces the eight finalists already in the Top 12. They are: Charles Grigsby, Julia DeMato, Ruben Studdard, Kimberley Locke, Rickey Smith, Vanessa Olivarez, Joshua Gracin, and Corey Clark.

Ryan asks Simon what was his deal last night? Simon was especially crabby. There are shots of Simon in full bloom last night. Holding his face, head thrown back, the essence of boredom. Then a couple of rigged photos with a bib and a pacifier. Ryan says he needs a hug. A group hug! People from all over come out for a hug with Simon. I mean from everywhere. People are frigging dropping from the ceiling!

Okay, I laughed. Simon says there was a "dark side" to his mood last night, and says producers Nigel and Ken are "a pain." Randy and Paula tease him about feeling secure about his job. I don't buy a second of this.

Ryan talks to the Wildcard contestants (finally). Kimberly Caldwell says Clay Aiken has become something of a chick magnet. Ryan, out of nowhere, asks her if something is blooming between her and Clay. Kimberly gives an eyeroll only the beautiful can master, and says she is as single as single gets. Ryan asks Trenyce why she should advance, and Trenyce's immediate grimace indicates she knows there is no correct answer to this. She says because she likes to light up a stage and she is a good performer. She thinks. Ryan notes that this is all new to some of them, like Carmen Rasmusen. Carmen says she didn't feel good about her performance and is basically kicking herself.

Ryan recaps their performance and the judges' critiques, which we covered last night.

It is time for America's choice. And it is... oh no, Ryan can't read the card! He's serious, toss him some glasses. Gee, they look just like Clay Aiken's glasses that he wore on his first audition! The glasses don't help... he goes to Simon who can't read it either. Bruce, cue to me a break! I don't buy any of this.

Back from the break, and the Fox think tank is working on the indecipherable card that is apparently written in arabic. So, let's go on to the judges' choices.

Starting with Randy Jackson. Randy says his selection hasn't performed exceptionally yet, but has been pretty consistent. He also believes she can be a star and will be fun to watch throughout the competition. He has chosen... Kimberly Caldwell! Kimberly looks genuinely shocked. She runs over and hugs all the judges. Ryan tells her she could be the next American Idol, and her knees seem to give out. She drops right off the screen.

Kimberly then sings "I Feel The Earth Move" again, and she is sent to the back with the other advancees.

Back from commercial, they are still working on that card. They have called in Kreskin. Paula is to announce her choice, but says that Simon should apologize to the producers first. Randy says that they have made Simon famous and a millionaire. All of the judges, millionaires. Simon says he's sorry he called them a pain, and says he should have called them "jerks." Then he says he is really sorry. Awww.