Survivor: The Amazon – Putting the “Cute” Alliance Under a Microscope

This was supposed to be one of the all time great Survivor moments. JoAnna, universally despised and seemingly oblivious to what an self-righteous witch she was being, is voted out. Praise god, hallelujah... whatever. I for one, was not only disappointed to see her go, but by the end of episode four I was actively rooting for her. Hey, I'm no JoAnna fan, but by the end of this last episode of Survivor, I wanted the so called 'cute' alliance gone. Now.

I'm under the belief that JoAnna's rant about beauty only being skin deep was not unprovoked. Let's face it, we heard Heidi refer to herself and the other two 'hotties' as cute no less then five times in the span of about one minute. Now if a person is that high on themselves, a private confessional with a cameraman and maybe one producer just isn't enough. Sure, in the long run, JoAnna would have been better to keep her mouth shut, but we knew that wasn't going to happen.

Heidi, Jenna, and Shawna seem to be really high on themselves. There have been some arrogant castaways before (our dearly departed JoAnna is on that list) but these three seem to want to set a new standard. It would seem Heidi's skills in alliance building came from studying elementary school cliques. Go figure, she's a teacher. These women put everyone under a microscope, putting others down because they work harder (and really, what type of person gets mad because everyone else doesn't share your do-nothing work ethic?) or because they don't have 'good bodies.' Here's an idea: let's put these girls under the microscope like they do everyone else.

Heidi: Frankly, I don’t find you attractive – certainly not as attractive as you find yourself. You come off as phony and arrogant. You definitely don’t appear very intelligent. You can't find it in yourself to bond with someone who is deaf, and you form an alliance against people whom you assert to be uglier then yourself. Hey, when it comes down to it, when you say someone doesn't have a better body then you do, you are saying that you're pretty and they are ugly. And then you say that because you have a good body, it's normal for you not to be able to work hard like everyone else is. I pity any child who has ever looked up to you to set an example and show what the difference between right and wrong, because with an attitude like that, you're a very sad human being. As my grandpa would say, "beauty is only skin deep, but being an ass**** goes all the way down to the bone." Amen, Gramps.

Jenna: You seriously need to put some goddamn meat on those bones. You might think that everyone is head over heels in love with you, but behind your back everyone is pointing and laughing at you. If you don't believe that, you're just lying to yourself, because everyone I've met has flat out called you a skeleton or worse. And that was just during the first episode, mind you, before they even really got to know you. Scratch past the surface (but don't scratch too hard, you don't want to hit the bone marrow), and we find out that you seem to pretty much be an airhead who has coasted through life on your looks. Then again, when I found out that one of your hobbies is sleeping, I didn't expect too much. But don't worry, because I'm not going to put you down for not talking to Christy after almost a full week out there. I know that you were too busy sleeping and doing nothing, and there are only so many hours a day damnit!

Shawna: Nice hair. Is that the style the cute girls wear today? Of course, hair is the least of your concerns. If you wanted to get voted off so much, then why not just flat out say so at tribal counsel? Is there a rule against quitting the game? Call for medical attention and get out of there. You formed an alliance, and in fact, you're responsible for that alliance getting the power to take control. Really, would it have hurt you to say, "I'm sorry, I don't want to do this, vote me out or else." I'm not worried, though, because I know that you'll be gone sooner or later, and because of you, Heidi and Jenna will drop like flies too. I would give you a standing ovation but it's really (sob) really (sob) hard. Then, you decide not to vote with them and throw a vote – to Christy of all people – that made no sense strategically or otherwise. Intelligent? Hell, you can't even get yourself voted out without messing it up.

I blame Deena for this mess. If it wasn't for her, Shawna would be gone and I would instead be writing an article talking about how much I hate JoAnna. Christy isn't innocent either. If she had voted for Shawna instead, then it would have been 3-3-1 and it would have really hit the fan. Sigh, missed opportunities.

Heidi and Jenna are pretty much dead unless they are both in the final two, and as the weeks pass by, I see that less likely to happen. And when they get voted off and, everyone will give them such hard hitting interview questions like "Why didn't you talk to Christy?" or "Why didn't you do any work?" And they'll say the same thing that every other castaway has ever said when asked why they are such rotten human beings. "It was the editing." Someone call Penn & Teller, because that is just plain bullshit.

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