Reality High Test Results, Survivor: The Amazon, Episode 4 – You’re Standing on My Neck

"Hello?"

"Hey, Jim, it's Brian. Thank God you're still awake."

"Now I am. What's going on?"

"I hate my life."

"What else is new?"

"No, I'm serious."

"So am I. Tell Dr. Jim all about it."

"Do I have to pay you five cents first?"

"No. Much as I love that beautiful sound of plinking nickels, you get the frequent flier discount."

"Ah. OK. Well, I'm sitting here watching Sesame Street. Telly's afraid to go down the slide and Elmo and Gordon are offering their assistance. I'm actually finding myself emotionally invested in the outcome. That's when I knew I had to call."

"You're regressing back to your childhood?"

"No. I went to get the remote to change the channel after Daria, and then suddenly it just all seemed so... futile."

"Oh dear. Wait – they're showing Daria again?"

"Yeah, in reruns on The N late at night. Except instead of commercials they show the same five promos over and over. Shut up, Jayda's locker."

"I'll have to watch those. But what's going on with you?"

"Ummmm... how's the weather there in L.A.?"

"It's OK. Why?"

"How would you feel about hiding me?"

"Uh-oh."

"Come on. I don't take up much space. I'm housebroken. I'll tapdance!"

"Ummmm... as tempting as that sounds--"

"And you won't have to take care of Mason and Julia at all – I'll do all the work!"

"Mason and Julia?"

"The classroom rabbits."

"You named your rabbits after Santa Barbara characters?!?"

"Well, it was a good show..."

"OK. Spill. What's really going on with you?"

"I am so sick of teaching you can't even begin to imagine. I'm completely and utterly burnt out. I dread going to class and I'm ready to shoot everyone."

"Who can turn the world on with her smile..."

"Shut up."

"Well, you can't just walk away."

"Watch me walking. Walking out the door. Believe me. Honey, would I lie to you?"

"Thank you, Annie Lennox. But in the words of our beloved Juanita from American Idol, what about the children?"

"They can all go straight to hell along with Juanita and The Ego That Ate The Entire Free World."

"Well, no one's ever going to accuse you of being a cockeyed optimist."

"I'm serious. I'm at the end of my rope."

"Well, just think about how good teachers can make all the difference in students' lives! And that's one to grow on!"

"I'm going to smack you."

"OK. Think of the paycheck and the high unemployment rate."

"Wow, I'm feeling motivated all of a sudden!"

"Thought so!"

"And now I'm not."

"That bad, huh?"

"Yup."

"So what are your students doing that pushed you to the brink?"

"Oy. OK. Well, let's start with the guys. How long would it take you to realize that you need bait to catch fish?"

"Ummmm... a minute?"

"Try ten days."

"You're kidding me."

"Nope. I mean, God forbid anything interfere with them thinking about the girls and shaking the Magic 8-Ball."

"So that's what the kids are calling it nowadays!"

"No – they seriously have a Magic 8-Ball out there."

"What – was the Rubik's Cube busy?"

"Apparently."

"Sounds like you have a bunch of rocket scientists on your hands."

"No. Just one."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"Is he hot?"

"That's a different show altogether."

"You're hedging."

"I'm a professional. I don't think of my students in that manner. It's far too 'Don't Stand So Close To Me.'"

"Uh-huh. Sure. I believe you."

"Besides, he's straight. They all are, I think. Even the guy who blathered on about 'service vessels.'"

"Oh my God. You're kidding."

"Nope."

"Who talks like that?!?"

"Exactly what I said."

"So what's his deal?"

"Well, Matthew had aligned himself with the first two guys voted off, so the other guys left him behind while they all went off on the great worm hunt."

"Worm hunt?"

"Yup."

"Who says people don't know to throw a party anymore? So what did he do?"

"Well, pretty much what I would have recommended... he tried to make himself as useful as possible and bond with the other guys. It's about all he can do really at this point. He's pretty good at fishing, he's been doing most of the cooking..."

"Does he do windows and look good in an apron? I've been thinking maybe I should get a houseboy."

"Would you want a houseboy who would critique your service vessels as he did the dishes?"