Reality High Test Results, Survivor: The Amazon, Episode 4 – You’re Standing on My Neck

"Good point. Maybe if he sang and danced."

"Funny you should mention that."

"He sang and danced?"

"Well, no dancing, but the guys all sang 'You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling.'"

"Ah. Because that's, you know, one of those MANLY songs that MEN sing. It's all about their Top Guns, so to speak."

"Basically. I haven't even gotten into one of the guys asking how hard he should jerk his rod."

"HELLO!"

"His fishing rod. Get your mind out of the gutter. Still..."

"The slash fanfic continues to write itself?"

"Exactly."

"So was the singing any good at least?"

"Ummmmm..."

"Worse than the Brady Bunch doing 'American Pie'?"

"Well, no. Nothing's that bad."

"Worse than Olivia Newton-John making 'Gimme Some Lovin' sound like the pajama party from hell?"

"OK, yeah, about that same level of badness. At least they had fun. Although Roger grumbled something about the guy who started the singalong being a loser. But he grumbles about everything."

"HE sounds like a barrel of laughs."

"OH yeah. But bringing it full circle, that could work in Matthew's favor."

"How so?"

"Well, if you had a choice between being stranded with a humorless martinet and... well, anyone..."

"Ah. The sanity vote. This Roger's that bad?"

"Like Archie Bunker without the 'Awwwww, geez, Edith' redeeming charm. Most of the guys have already admitted he's a pain in the ass. And then there was the great homosexuality debate from a couple weeks ago..."

"Roger, I take it, was on the 'against' side."

"You're psychic."

"Just call me Miss Cleo. Did he whip out the 'Adam and Eve versus Adam and Steve' line?"

"Nah, he just said it was unnatural and trotted out the procreation reasoning."

"Cute."

"AIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!"

"What?"

"You said the 'C' word!!!"

"'Cute'?"

"Make it stop! Make it stop!"

"What's wrong with 'cute'?"

"AIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!"

"Sorry."

"No, it's just... this girl, Heidi, will NOT SHUT UP about it! Everything is 'the cute girls' this, 'the cute girls' that, 'the cute girls' have better bodies, 'the cute girls' – I swear to God if she says even the remotest variation of 'I'm cute' one more time she's going to become airborne a la Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer."

"Eek. 'Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.'"

"No, that's what Jenna said."

"Jenna?"

"Another one of the aforementioned 'cute girls.'"

"And they're all saying these things without any trace of irony whatsoever?"

"Yup. They feel oppressed by the 'bigger, older women' who resent them for their 'cuteness.' Like expecting the 'cute girls' to do work when it's clear they have less body fat to burn than the 'bigger, older women' and thus shouldn't be expected to expend as much energy."

"Cuteness: The Final Frontier of Oppressed Minorities."

"Yup."

"Oh, boo hoo. World's tiniest violin."

"Exactly."

"Why does self-esteem always fall into the wrong hands? So anyway, these self-proclaimed 'cute girls' – they're like the Heathers of the Amazon?"

"Nah, actually they're more over the top and cartoony. It's more what it would be like if the Lawndale High Fashion Club were contestants."

"Like I always say, everything in life always comes back to Daria."

"It's uncanny. So do you think we could replace Heidi and Jenna with Daria and Jane?"

"They're cartoon characters."

"So? They can do wonders with CGI nowadays. And two-dimensional or not, they still have more depth."

"True."

"Actually, what's more bizarre is – you remember how you always said I reminded you of a gay male Daria?"

"Uh-huh. Still do."

"I've come to the realization that Trent is exactly the kind of guy I would have gone for in the nineties."

"The alternarocker. I know."

"Really?"

"I was there, remember? We went through the grunge era together."

"Ah. True. Whither thou goest, Nirvana?"

"Dead, the Foo Fighters, and good question. Anyway, this whole Heidi thing could be worse."

"How?"

"Well, in addition to all of the above, she could be belting out 'Beautiful' by Christina Aguilera at the top of her lungs."

"HUSH!!! Are you mad?!? The walls have ears!!!"

"Sorry."

"Anyway, singing's more the department of--"

"Oh yeah – you told me about that nutjob who always sang and thought the immunity idol was EVIL. What was her name? Hosanna?"

"JoAnna."