Reality High Test Results, Survivor: The Amazon, Episode 4 – You’re Standing on My Neck

"Like they just got out of prison or something. You'd think they'd never seen a woman before. It's pathetic. Given the way they're thinking, they're a lot more likely to want to ally with eye candy, and Heidi and Jenna are definitely going to use that to their advantage, so why not get rid of the competition while you have the chance?"

"Good point. But if they lose the next two challenges because they booted a strong player and go into the merge uneven, won't they just get picked off?"

"Not necessarily. I'm thinking that there's going to be a few people on both sides who'll want to jump ship, either alone or in small groups, so I think there's going to be a lot more shuffling around and jockeying for position than usual."

"I could see that."

"Yeah. So anyway, that's basically the whole story. And I'm just sitting here asking myself--"

"What would Aimee Mann do?"

"Well, that's always a given. But no, just – why do I even bother? I mean, I show up, I give them lectures, I give them tests, and then it all goes in one ear and out the other and they just do exactly what it is they want to do anyway. I might as well go off and talk to a wall."

"Hmmmm... I haven't listened to Missing Persons in ages. Just don't dye your hair blue."

"Of course not. Besides, violet is the new indigo and raw sienna is the new burnt umber."

"Somebody played with Crayola 64s as a child. But seriously, I can totally see where you'd want to quit. But I also know you're not going to."

"Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me?"

"Well, not if you keep talking crap like that they won't. No – because you're already planning out what these people should do and that means on some level you're still invested. Granted, most of these people seem like they wouldn't know common sense if it jumped out of the Amazon and bit them, but there have to be some students you like, right?"

"Well, that's the weird thing is that out of the guys left, the only one I really have a problem with is Roger, while the only women I know for sure I don't want to smack into next week are Deena and Christy. Which is odd because--"

"You consider yourself the gay equivalent of a feminist and as such tend to identify with strong, independent women because their dealings with men parallel yours."

"Right! But--"

"Please. I've known you since Roxette were on the charts. It just doesn't sound like you're personally identifying or bonding with anyone this go-round, that's all. No big deal."

"I guess you're right."

"Yeah. So give it a few more weeks and if it's still really bad, then you can come hide here."

"Can I disguise myself as a big pink fluffy bunny named Bobo?"

"Let me think about that. Ummmm... no."

"Damn. You're no fun."

"But you can train your rabbits to piddle on command and then assign your more obnoxious students caregiving duty."

"THAT'S an idea!"

"Yup. Or force them to watch Married By America."

"Please – I'm not that cruel!"

"Feel better?"

"Somewhat. Although I have a feeling I'll be calling you quite frequently this semester to vent."

"No problem. I'm going to go now. Get some sleep and tell the rocket scientist I say hi."

"Shut up."

"La la la la la."

Brian James is an actor/writer in New York City. An avid reality show, Passions, retro music, and Internet discussion board junkie, he can be found holding up "Will Snark For Food" signs in subway stations as he continues to search for that elusive "day job." Brian would like to stress that this column is based solely on the "TV characters" he witnesses once a week, not on how contestants behave in real life. Comments and cybertomatoes accepted at laken44@yahoo.com.

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