Meet My Folks, March 10 – The Haegeles: Meet My Kids!

I (Kathy) am writing about Meet My Folks for the first time, having been asked to fill in for the regular reporter. I feel extremely well qualified for this particular “Meet My Kids” episode for several reasons:

1. I am a fortyish single mother with three teenaged children
2. I have been dating for several years now
3. I love watching reality TV shows, especially those that dwell on male-female relationships
4. I have an opinion about everything

So here we go:

The single mom in question is Barbara Haegele, age 47. She’s quite attractive. She reminded me of a slightly older Diane Lane. Barbara has three sons who are in their 20s: Mark, Adam, and John. They live on what appears to be a winery, though of course we know the show sometimes rents houses for these episodes.

Diane’s three suitors are: Darrow, an ex-Army officer and Tough-Man Champion; Greg, the mayor of Redondo Beach and a Bill Clinton wannabe; and Keith, a surly, turquoise-wearing artist.

Normally, the show is full of gimmicks that are supposed to put the bachelors on the spot – and that doesn’t change with this reverse episode where the kids are in charge. What does change is that it’s a bit strange having the kids pulling secrets out of the adults rather than vice versa.

Right off the bat we have the secret task. All three men have to give Barbara a gift upon entering the house. One is flowers. One is candy. One is … a box of condoms. They rock/paper/scissors and the loser, Darrow, has the condoms. Of course, as usual for the secret task, he is not allowed to explain his actions.

So they come in with Darrow going last. He brings Barbara aside and whispers that he saw it fall out of Greg’s luggage. Not bad. Of course, after a short time of embarrassment, a fax arrives to tell Mom and the boys that it was all a set-up.

The next portion of the show involves embarrassing the men with their “dirty little secrets.” Greg had bragged that he was elected in a landslide when he had been unopposed. This is a dirty little secret? Jeez, the guy’s a politician who has met with Bill Clinton – and they couldn’t dig up more than that?! Next up, Darrow has been in a lot of fights. How strange for a Tough Man champion! Another not terribly “dirty” secret. Finally, Keith took some tips off of a table to pay a lunch tab because he didn’t have enough money to pay. He admits that it’s true. While this one is embarrassing, it’s not exactly going to make the National Enquirer, and certainly doesn’t hold a candle to the secrets they usually reveal.

After dinner the ex-girlfriends drop in for coffee. They walk in all wearing leather jackets, like a motorcycle gang in the throes of PMS. The scorned ones have more dust (it doesn’t really qualify as dirt) about our men: None of them can commit. Wow. Note to the ladies: If a man says he can’t commit, it means he can’t commit to you. Period. And if this is the best the exes could come up with, these guys are clean as a whistle.

Now let me tell you the reaction of the participants throughout all these stunts and those that follow: Barbara seemed to be mildly amused. Her sons were a little agitated and did their best to act threatening. Our three Romeos hung their heads in mock shame as each of their deep dark secrets was revealed.

The next morning, the men are awakened for physicals, including x-rays. The chest x-rays are shown to all, and they have writing superimposed on them containing yet another dirty little secret. Greg supposedly snuck out of a party his wife had thrown for him so he could go drinking with the guys. He claims he can’t remember anything of the sort. Ah, now we see the politician – that was the Ronald Reagan defense. Darrow’s says he picked up a woman in a Jacuzzi at a nudist club. He says he wasn’t nude, he was “clothing challenged.” His excuse is that he’s been hit a lot. Frankly, I’m not sure what he’s asking to be excused from, as that hardly qualifies as the worst secret ever. Keith’s secret is that he once accidentally killed his girlfriend’s cat. He admits that it’s true – he hated the cat, but it was an accident. He was vacuuming and sort of chasing the cat when it dropped dead of a heart attack. Perhaps the cat should have had a physical…

Barbara goes on a date with each of the men. She and Keith take a yoga lesson. Darrow teaches her to box and is oh-so-adorable to her as he fumbles his words. And we were treated to the sight of Greg in a bathing suit while he and Barbara enjoy spa treatments. All three dates are watched by the boys outside in a truck with closed-circuit cameras. As Greg is talking (and talking and talking), they notice that all he ever talks about is himself. So they decide to count the number of times he says “I” or “me” with pretzels. They appear to go through all the pretzels they have in the truck.

Then, when Greg and Barbara take a shower together (bathing suits still on – this is a network show!) to wash off the mud treatment, the boys burst in and say that’s enough. Here’s where things differ a bit from the usual version of the show. When parents see their kid going too far (usually in the hot tub), they come down and order a stop to it. The kid, and the suitor, sheepishly go to bed. But in this case, Mom says no, they won’t stop, and the boys should go home. Role reversal doesn’t always quite work.

That night each man gets to give an impassioned demonstration of his unique talents. I almost fall asleep during this part – later, Darrow has trouble staying awake through Greg’s portion, too. First Darrow displays his title belts, Keith shows his painting of a dog, and Greg delivers a political endorsement… for himself.