Meet My Folks, March 11 – The Barnes: Sky High and Falling Fast

I kinda liked this show when I saw it last week, come share my disillusionment through this episode.

We meet the folks (hence the name of the show) and the girl, Jack and Cathie Barnes and their daughter Jacquelyn, who we call Jacqui. Mom and Dad are pretty run of the mill middle class parents – the kind who play golf and buy their power tools at Sears – but Jacqui is absolutely stunning. She is distractingly beautiful and though I looked throughout the episode for signs of arrogance or snottiness, I found none. Plenty of other things about her to annoy me, have no fear, but she actually seems genuinely nice at the beginning. Of course I could be wrong. Am I? Let’s see...

The boys come in with tasks already reassigned for the initial meet and greet. First up is Randy, who has to hug dad for seven seconds. That is a long hug between men who have just met and Dad is more than a little weirded out. Next up is Adam, who is instructed to only talk about the weather, which I think he failed. He managed to answer other questions and talk about different things by tossing weather comments in there so I don’t think he should have gotten credit for this. In dress and appearance, particularly the hair, he is the epitome of the California surfer guy from the late ‘70s. I looked at him and thought he would be the kinda guy who would steal Tommy Bradford’s girl (don’t we all miss Eight Is Enough?), and then lo and behold who comes walking up the drive but another flashback from 1979 named... TOMMY! Frizzy hair and everything. I am so waiting for Jimmy McNichol to show up for a cameo. Only he could have saved this show. Anyway, Tommy’s task is to kiss Mom on the lips and he does; she is flustered and makes it a point to tell him she is sitting way across the room by her husband. Grow up, Mom, you HAVE to know secret tasks are a part of this – why else would he kiss you?

Why do all the boys have suitcases with wheels? Shouldn’t an able-bodied young man be able to carry a suitcase from cab to door? Honestly, kids today and their new fangled inventions. Slackers...

Where was I before I became a curmudgeon? Oh yeah... The boys are on stools Mom calls the Hot Seats, being asked questions straight out of Tiger Beat such as their favorite fruit and if they like to read. When asked what they admire about their moms we only hear Randy’s answer and that is that she is his idol (somewhere JoAnna from Survivor just screeched in psychic pain) for raising three kids basically alone. Mom loves his answer and may I just say so did I. The doorbell rings and here come the Dirty Little Secrets.

Randy’s secret is that when his reading was tested he scored the same as his sister in 5th grade. And my ears started bleeding. How DARE they imply difficulty in school or with learning is a dirty little secret or something of which to be ashamed. As the mom of two kids with learning disabilities I cannot tell you how furious I am to see this stigma perpetuated with no thought in a show that skews a fairly young demographic. So I will refute the implication and say it here. Having a difficult time in school, whether a diagnosed learning disability or not, is nothing to be ashamed of and anyone who would use that to judge you or dismiss you isn’t worth worrying about. I hate the producers so much. And yes there is an angry missive in my future but I’ll get back to the show... Randy says he was never much for school and his sister is a genius and so smart and tested at the tenth grade reading level. He handled it so gracefully and he shouldn’t have had to explain it at all. Mom says everyone has things they deal with and if reading is his weakness so be it. She said it nicer than that and I think it is a non-issue for her.

By the way, you might want to buckle up, this is only the first of two things that made me want to throw something through the TV set.

Tommy’s secret is that he had over 50 fights in school and was suspended twice because of them. To me that’s a dirty little secret of the school district if he could fight that much and only be suspended twice. He tries to explain, telling of one fight where a kid was goading him and he finally broke down. It sounded stupid to me and also he doesn’t look either aggressive or physically imposing so whatever, couldn’t have been that good a fighter if he fought that much and never got sued.

Adam’s secret is that he made out with 10 different girls in one night once. Given his looks and if it involved party or bar hopping that’s totally plausible. And totally boring. He said it was the tequila. Yeah, that helped. Dad basically tells Adam to shut up because he’s digging himself in deeper. I’m simpler and just want him to shut up.

Cut to the dinner table where for some reason Jacqui has an ungodly amount of spaghetti twirled around her fork. Let’s hope she notices before she tries to get they in her mouth; that won’t be pretty otherwise. She asks the boys what they want to be doing in a couple years and Adam answers, “Something that has to do, like, with being a pro-skater, like, something in that area, like, something pro. Like a pro-sport.” Isn’t he a little old to have “pro-sport” as a career choice without it being specific and having worked toward it? I can’t make this stuff up and throughout the show I tried and tried and I honestly cannot tell if he is stupid or high. Possibly both. Like I said, I can’t make this stuff up.

A fax arrives telling Mom and Dad of the secret tasks and they all share a laugh and the boys are relieved. They toast the boys. This is the first of two toasts this episode and that is two too many.

After dinner the kids change into swimsuits and hit the pool. They call it a hot tub but it’s a pool, unless they hot tubbed also and that was edited out. The boys are showing off their dives and Jacqui likes the attention. I pour another cup of coffee to try and stay awake.