Are You Hot?, Episode 4: The Final Hot Zone

Last week, Are You Hot? wasn’t shown due to the president’s address – which is a good thing, because I don’t think America is ready for a presidential address, an hour of Billy Graham, and an hour of Are You Hot? Hmmm… it’s like those tests in elementary school – which one doesn’t belong?

Anyway, with no war talk or religious experiences this evening, tonight we tune in for the final qualifier episode of Are You Hot?. Tonight is the Southwest’s turn (CA, NV, CA, AZ, CA, NM, CA, OK, CA, and TX – did I mention CA?). I wonder if so many hot people come from one location so ABC got to pay less for airfare and travel. Hmmm...

First order of business is announcing who advances from Zone 3 (you’ll recall Zone 3 included Eric Watson, to whom I apologize profusely for recording his name incorrectly in my last article – I was clearly concentrating on his other qualities) and I feel butterflies in my stomach – I mean, he has to win, are people blind? JD Roberto (who you may remember from such top hit shows as “Shark Chasers”) announces Shipley – I hold my breath – and then Tony. Not Tony of the big ears!! I’m crushed. I then realize I’m probably not judging by the same standards as the rest of the world. Most of the finalists seem to fill some archetype (beach blonde, boy-next-door), while I find the distinctive people who don’t fit into categories the most interesting to look at, and thus the hottest. Oh well. I already knew I wasn’t the target audience.

So then they announce two female semifinalists – Amber and, surprisingly, Renée. Ivy had much better scores from the judges, but I would guess that Renée’s profession (nanny) brought too many things to mind… but I’m pleased Renée made it. Go, girl!

They interview each of the winners – Shipley says he felt like his ears were going to get pushed off because he was smiling so big. Renée says she was like, ohmigod, did they just say my name? Tony says he was sweating, his heart was racing, and he felt like he could have just fallen over. Amber says she’s where she is today because America thinks she’s hot. Jessica, the token loser, says she wishes them all the best of luck with their fame and fortune and knows she’s still going to get hers. All I can think of is that the winners only get $50,000 and something funny to tell their (beautiful) grandchildren. Does that really qualify as fame and fortune?

Then we meet the experts (again), but it is worth noting because Lorenzo (the international heartthrob) is wearing a stonewashed jean jacket, and, I kid you not, a red bandanna tied around his neck. Not tied in a stylish, modern way – more like something you would put on a toy or a dog. In fact, it brought an image to mind of a scruffy dog beloved by a little boy and named Sparky. Or Rascal. Or Spot. Really, it was awful. I can’t believe Randolph (remember, he’s fashion designer to the stars) didn’t say something to him. Maybe he didn’t say anything because Lorenzo doesn’t qualify as a star?

OK, on comes the Parade of Losers – displaying the 32 people who were considered earlier. One highlight is Candice, who is wearing a see-through tube top (for the guys). The only other highlight is Alana – not her hotness, but that the TV showed someone holding a sign that said “Alana is the hottest.” Can you imagine? I worked the TiVo frantically, trying to get a glimpse of the sign holder, to no avail. Was it a boyfriend (weird but OK)? A supportive family member? (Ew) A complete stranger? (Lock your doors, honey!)

Either I’ve seen the show too many times, or this episode lacks spice. Since the Parade has such little to capture and hold my attention I find my mind wandering – I wonder if the contestants are backstage, counting how many of their gender were declared hot – because the last person would then know before they come onstage if they advance. I wonder why some of them try so hard here when the decision is already made – then I realize that this might be their 15 minutes of fame (okay, more like 15 seconds, but still). I wonder why there is a noticeable moment after the TV announces whether they are “Hot” or “Not” before they move one way or another – is there a big sign in the back? Is there some confusion? I would assume they can’t see the big neon sign overhead, but is the noise only for viewers at home, too? I wonder where they get these people in the audience (so I called the 800 number on their website – you lucky L.A. natives – tickets are still available for March 21st!!) who seem so excited about everything and everyone.

If you have any answers to my questions, you can contact me at realitymichelle@yahoo.com.

Anyway, after the parade, we see Nina, (who is not hot enough to continue) saying “the crowd was cheering, everyone was up and clapping, and I wanna know what the hell the judges were thinking!!”

Poor Nina. We’re wondering, too. Was the international heartthrob circuit so bad Lorenzo had no choice but to do this show wearing that awful bandanna? We’ll never know.

OK, so we move on to the sweet sixteen (all scores given as Face/Body/Overall Sex Appeal)

First up is Brandy, a 19-year-old singer and actress from Hawaii. Right away I like her. Not only is she NOT from California, but she is a real woman. Her bio states she is 5’6” and weighs 140 – now that’s realistic. She is slightly muscular but also really curvy. Did I mention she has a huge chest (and that she said it was all real)? Anyway, she says she is nervous, confident, and sexy. Rachel says she has amazing sex appeal and it’s nice to see someone not stick thin, and gives 8.9/9.8/9.8. Randolph asks about the chest, she proudly declares it is all real, and he gives her 8.7/9.5/9.4. Lorenzo (a.k.a. Sparky – I just can’t get over the bandanna!) says if he was stranded on a desert isle all he’d need is her – that she is fantastic – and gives her 9.8/10/9.8.