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Survivor: The Amazon - Heidi the Grinch and Other Assorted Opinionsby Ken Kellam III -- 03/15/2003
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Heidi is quickly becoming the "Grinch who stole Survivor: The Amazon." At least she stole a few days from Jeanne. If Doctor Seuss were to re-write "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch," about her, what would it sound like? Perhaps like this:
You're a dumb one, Heidi Ho,
You're a dense one, Heidi Ho,
You're a nit-wit, Heidi Ho,
You're ticking off the nation,
You're a weird one, Heidi Ho,
You are a fake-chested no-brained gator-breathed baboon-faced walking (more like slithering) blonde joke who's so repulsive even the piranhas stay away from you."
The episode started off innocently enough, mainly because by the time they went to a commercial, we had yet to hear you say anything about how cute you were, or much about anything else. Talk about small favors. To be honest, when the tribes got switched, and I figured it all out, I thought you were a goner. Why? Well, at some point you had excluded Christy and Jeanne, so I thought they might turn on you the way Frank and Teresa turned on Silas. Plus, with two of the oldest men now in your tribe, your "charms" wouldn't work worth a squat, and your tribe was more likely to go to tribal council.
I usually don't root for one tribe or the other to win any given challenge, but seeing your tribe fall behind was making it an enjoyable evening for me, because I thought you were doomed. Well, you were smart enough to stay with Jeanne and Christy, so I thought. That was until rocket scientist Dave apparently sent his senses somewhere into orbit, and started thinking with his heat-seeking missile. Do you honestly think he wants to keep you around because of your sparkling work ethic or stellar personality? There are only two reasons you're still in the game, and those reasons probably aren't even real.
To my everlasting regret, you were right about one thing: You got ahead of both Jeanne and JoAnna in the game. But have you really ensured your long-term survival? Yes, the men probably trust you now, but there's no way Christy can, and neither will the women left, once you merge - assuming you make it that far. Remember Brandon from Africa? He turned on his tribe, and subsequently no one on either side (except for Lex) trusted him and he was sent a-packin'. Well, as of tonight, you officially put the "dumb" in "dumb blonde." For someone who seemed so intent on playing the game, you may have shot yourself in the proverbial foot.
What about the others? How does the switch bode for them? Let's start with Dave. I like his idea of breaking up Jenna and Heidi. But was keeping Heidi and not Jeanne a strategic move, or one dictated by his libido? I'd say the latter, although I'm not sure why Roger and Butch were willing to go along with it. He does get props for getting Heidi to vote the way he wanted her to, however. But I can't help but wonder if her act will wear thin in a hurry.
As for Roger and Butch, both men went up a couple of pegs in my book for the way they handled Christy. That's where the age and maturity factor come in. Instead of shutting her out, they made a point of trying to include her in the conversations. Yes, they may very well ditch her next week, but for now, at least, they showed themselves to be sensitive, and that has nothing to do with the game.
What about Christy? Hopefully, in the next three days, she'll prove her worth to the guys, and make the merge over Heidi, but sadly, I doubt it.
As for the rest of them, Rob started sounding like a whiny baby when Dave didn't pick him. Of COURSE he doesn't have your interests at heart, Magic 8-Ball boy. He has his own. As conniving as you claim to be you should understand that better than anybody. As far as Alex and Matt, both men are strong, which could work for or against them if they go to tribal council. Matt, being on the outside before, is probably one of the biggest beneficiaries of the switch.
Now, on to the women. In one day, Deena went from being self-proclaimed "top dog" to being in hot water, similar to Silas in Africa. She's probably the guys' target if they lose immunity, whether it's because she's older than the others, or whatever. But she got one thing right, apparently: She claimed Shawna's problems were 70% mental. Funny how a visit from Dr. Alex cured everything instantly. Uh, Shawna, I thought you were falling apart. Seeing you spring to life now makes you seem as fake and insincere as your two biggest allies.
Speaking of which, did Jenna do herself in by not keeping her mouth shut with Dave? Probably not, at least for now. Rob seems like the type to keep her for her looks, although I'd hope Alex and Matt, being 30ish, are capable of seeing straight through her.
Finally, a few words to Jeanne. Hon, seeing you go was painful, and you will be missed. Being a Texan, I found your New England accent rather entrancing, and couldn't help but admire your work ethic. To be honest, I feel a bit responsible for your ouster. You see, I predicted Tanya to win Thailand, and you to be left standing victoriously in the Amazon. But alas, neither of you even made the jury, which makes me think I jinxed you. Oh how I wish I'd picked Jenna, Heidi, or Shawna to win. Oh, I also caught you on the Early Show, and you looked great. I know Christy will miss you. After all, you're the one who kept her updated on the stuff she missed. I don't know that accusing the others the way you did of excluding you was such a good idea, even if you had been right. But nevertheless, you brought something to the show, and that something will be missing from here on out. You were right to vote out Shawna, or at least try to. But you met your end due to circumstances beyond your control. Seeing the tribes switch but then watching you get booted anyway was a little like getting a second chance to win a football game, but losing anyway, even though you did everything you could: What you thought might happen, happened, just not the way you thought it would happen. Oh well.
Ken can be reached with any comments, criticisms, or money orders at YourNextOfKen@aol.com.
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