Being Jeff Probstovich – Survivor: The Amazon, Episode 5: Jeanne Splicing

Being Jeff Probstovich is a fantasy column where soundbites from Survivor castaways are taken, warped and misquoted into faux-interviews with the show's host, Jeff Probst.

Of all the castaways voted out of the Amazon, no one seemed more dejected than Jeanne. She was shaking her head in utter disbelief as she started to walk into the jungle and out of the game. Something told me to approach this woman scorned with kid gloves. But of course, I didn't.

Probstovich: What's the hardest thing about being voted out tonight, being betrayed by Heidi or losing the vote because Heidi chickened out and stabbed you in the back?

Jeanne: Without a doubt, the hardest thing was not being able to go back there and wring Heidi's skinny little neck. You guys make us leave the set right away, so I didn't get my shot. But unless she makes it to the Final Two, I'll get my chance in Loser's Lodge.

Probstovich: Why did Heidi's betrayal anger you so much? It's a game where someone gets voted off, so why not you?

Jeanne: Because we had an alliance. I wanted to move the women ahead. I didn't want to get the shaft.

Probstovich: So have the women moved ahead?

Jeanne: Jeff, with some of the bimbos in this game, we've set women behind about fifty years.

Probstovich: If Heidi hadn't stabbed you in the back, and there was a 3-3 tie vote between you and Butch, do you think we would have had you all vote again, or pull out the lame purple rock, like we did in Marquesas?

Jeanne: I was betting on the purple rock, Jeff.

Probstovich: You were almost on the verge of tears when JoAnna was voted out. Do you think it was stupid for Jaburu to vote out JoAnna, probably your strongest player, and keep Shawna, who was basically begging to be booted?

Jeanne: I thought they let down women by voting off the strongest player, especially when we had Shawna there, crying like a big, 115-pound baby who wanted out. It made me want to wring Heidi's neck that time too.

Probstovich: Janet claimed that the granola bar you found wasn't hers. Now that you've gotten to know some of the others, who do you really think brought it?

Jeanne: Now I think it was Heidi's granola bar. Since I've gotten to know Heidi, I'm not so sure that Janet was responsible for sneaking the food into camp. Now it seems like something Heidi might have done.

Probstovich: There seemed to be a big generation gap on the Jaburu tribe when it was all-female, the older women versus the younger women. Was it hard dealing with a tribe divided like that?

Jeanne: Jeff, there was no generation gap in Jaburu, it was more like a chasm. Actually, there were two divisions in our tribe. The first was the classic Survivor split: the hard-workers versus the lazy ones. I don't think I've ever seen more lazy 20-year-olds in my life.

Probstovich: What was the other split you talked about?

Jeanne: The other gap was between women who were willing to use their bodies to get ahead, and those who would use their intellects. The Bimbos versus The Brainiacs.

Probstovich: Taking into account your own demise, which strategy do you think will be more successful?

Jeanne (sighs): Well, Jeff, I guess, using your body seems to be working right now.

Probstovich: Given what you've seen so far, how far do you think the women can go in this game?

Jeanne: The way most of these guys go into heat around the young girls, the women could go far. But what do I know? I had a strategy of using my mind and being true to myself, and I'm voted out. I'm not even on the jury.

Probstovich: You're on a all-female tribe, and then suddenly you have a bunch of guys join the team. What did you think about getting this sudden injection of male energy?

Jeanne: I was happy... for a couple of minutes. That was as long as it lasted. They're men.

Probstovich: Any regrets?

Jeanne: I'm just so sad that the women didn't come together more. It's pathetic. We coulda been somebodies. We coulda been contendas!

Probstovich: Well, Jeanne, it's time for your to go.

And with that, Jeanne was off. She headed into the dark jungle and out of the game forever. My 15 minutes masquerading as Jeff Probst was over for this week, so it was time for me to go too.

I'll be back in time for another Tribal Council. Who'll be voted out next?

And I'm being Jeff Probstovich.

Lawrence AG Green has been a die-hard fan of Survivor since Pagong started charbroiling island rats on Pulau Tiga. He works as a professional web developer for the company that allegedly hired Survivor: Africa winner Ethan Zohn and then subsequently let the erstwhile soccer star go before he ever started. Lawrence AG can be reached at boycaught@lagtime.com.

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