Reality High Test Results, Survivor: The Amazon, Episode 5 – Be-Switched, Bothered, and Bewildered

After my friend Jim's much-needed late night pep talk last week, I threw myself back into my teaching duties with renewed vigor. Not that it made any difference in my students' test scores, mind you. Although, did you notice that Heidi didn't mention how cute she is once this week? I'd like to think I'm somehow responsible for that. Of course, that and $4.78 will get me a mocha frappucino.

Anyway, once more into the abyss...

1. True or False: It's not the wisest idea to declare you're in control of the game.

Deena answered "False." This just always seems like a recipe for disaster for me – almost like tempting fate or something. Among other things, I'm thinking of Silas telling us they could just write him that million dollar check right now – unless they compensated him awfully well for appearing onstage at last year's Oscars, I doubt he'll be seeing that kind of money anytime soon. Sure enough, Deena started the episode telling us that much like Janet Jackson in 1986, she was in control! The alpha female! The top dog! Shortly thereafter, once the tribal switch was made, Deena told us in between mouthfuls of crow that she'd gone from the top to the bottom. You never know what might happen in this game, so it's best never to get ahead of yourself.

(Yeah, I know that past winners Richard and Brian were prone to this kind of self-aggrandizement as well, but there's always the exceptions that prove the rule. Besides, it still made viewers want to throw things at the screen.)

2. You think you overhear another tribe member say something bad about you. What should you do?
A. Ignore it
B. Pull the person in question aside and ask him/her about it. Maybe it was just a misunderstanding.
C. Call a tribal meeting and accuse him/her of slander in front of everyone

Jeanne opted for "C," calling a tribal meeting to tell Deena she'd overheard her saying bad things about her. It went over about as well as you'd expect. Deena denied it and Jeanne wound up looking like a paranoid idiot. Considering she was already most likely next in line to go, she may as well have just painted a big sign saying "VOTE ME OFF!!!" on her back.

If someone does something that really gets to you and you feel like you're going to explode unless you say something, the best thing to do is just discuss it with that person privately as calmly as possible. Furthermore, if you start lashing out and making accusations at people, people will respond with equal hostility. If you approach it along the lines of, "I thought I heard you saying some bad things about me and that hurt me because...", people are more likely to be responsive. I know that's straight out of any number of communication and self-help books, but it really is true. Sure, I'd be miffed too if I thought I overheard someone saying bad things about me, but all Jeanne did was create unnecessary drama and make herself look bad in the process.

While we're on the subject of Jeanne:

3. There may come a time when the youngest members of each tribe are asked to do something. "Youngest" in this context means:
A. Youngest according to chronological age
B. Youngest at heart
C. Youngest based on when their home state was admitted into the Union. If two contestants are from Hawaii it will be settled through rock/paper/scissors.

Jeanne chose "B." Nice try.

And so it was that chronological younguns Jenna and Dave found themselves spending the night in a makeshift resort. Much eating and showering and peeping and yakking ensued, culminating in Dave saying watching Jenna shower was the greatest moment of his life. I'm going to choose to believe that was a veiled reference to the line "I will give you my finest hour/The one I spent watching you shower" in Blondie's 1978 classic "Picture This" rather than a sign that Dave really needs to get out of the lab more often. Shut up. The daiquiris are quite refreshing here in my little fantasy world. Of course, I'm jolted back to reality by the realization that neither Dave nor Jenna were even born when Parallel Lines was released. Sigh. I feel so old. I think I'll go listen to some records to cheer myself up. (Everyone eligible to be on American Idol: "What's a 'record'?")

OK, "Gramps" is shutting up now and slowly ambling and shuffling his way back to the topic. About that gabfest:

4. You are selected to be the ambassador for your tribe and have an opportunity to relax and mingle with the other tribe's ambassador. How much information should you share about your tribe?
A. Absolutely nothing
B. It's safe to share some basic information like age and occupation
C. By all means blithely reveal every single one of your tribe's strategies and alliances

Jenna opted for "C." If the castaways ever partake in some sort of tribal ritual where they get to select honorary new names for themselves, I think we've found our Babbling Brook. Jenna told Dave all about how Heidi was her strongest alliance partner, Jeanne was next in line to go, and for all we know everyone on Jaburu's allergies, credit histories, and secret tattoo locations, pausing just long enough to breezily note, "I'm telling you all this stuff, but oh well!" Shii Ann from last season looked like the Sphinx by comparison.