Reality High Test Results, Survivor: The Amazon, Episode 5 – Be-Switched, Bothered, and Bewildered

Dave, on the other hand, opted for "B," only telling Jenna the most basic information about the Tambaqui men, such as their ages and occupations. Oh – and vital stuff like which members of Jaburu had the most talked-about body parts. In any event, when they were hit with the news that they had to select new tribes the next morning, Dave smirked and said that being that he'd heard so many good things about her, he just had to select Heidi, while Jenna got the biggest "Oh crap" expression on her face and told us perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to have shared so much information with Dave. YA THINK?!

I have to say I think the tribal swap was a good idea and it'll be interesting to see how it plays out postmerge. Of course, it means all that strategy advice I gave to Deena last column is now completely shot to hell, but such is life.

Not everyone was thrilled to hear the news about the switch, however. Besides Deena, we have Rob:

5. How likely is it that other tribe members have your best interests at heart?
A. Very likely
B. Not very likely
C. Ummmm... you HAVE seen this show before, haven't you?

Rob answered "A," which is pretty ironic considering we've seen him doing plenty of maneuvering trying to figure out how to use other people to his best advantage. Yet there he was, complaining that "Golden Boy" Dave didn't have his best interests at heart. First of all – well, DUH! It's Survivor, not The Get Along Except For Me – I'm Free To Manipulate Others To My Heart's Content Gang. Secondly, even though I haven't heard anyone actually use the phrase "golden boy" since the days when Jack was constantly sniping about Brad on The Young and the Restless, his choice of words makes it seem like he had some pent-up resentment toward Dave even before the news of the switch, so it'll be interesting to see how that will play out postmerge.

Shawna, on the other hand, was thrilled to see three guys strolling into Jaburu! So thrilled, in fact, that a medical miracle took place!

6. In the course of the game, you find yourself weak, rundown, and utterly depressed. You don't think you can go on. What's the best remedy?
A. Water
B. Rest
C. A cute (depending on your orientation) guy/girl!

Shawna put a Pretty Pretty Princess sticker next to "C." I must have missed the scene where Eve from Passions solemnly informed Jaburu, "There's nothing more medical science can do for Shawna... only TRUE LOVE can save her now," because that would be the ONLY possible way that Shawna wouldn't come off looking absolutely pathetic. Our Camille of the Capybaras spent days on end lying around complaining and moaning about how weak and miserable she was and she just wanted to go home but she was TRAPPED! Trapped because the other women put a machete to her head every time she tried to tell the producers she was quitting, the fiends! Then some guys come into the camp and HALLELUJAH!!! OH, GLORY!!! She's instantly bubbly and bright and energetic and all better, tee hee!

Oy. Remember last week when I compared the Cute Girls Brigade to the Fashion Club on Daria? I think we've found our Quinn. If I were Deena or Jenna, I would have just wanted to bitchslap her.

Deena, in fact, was understandably less than thrilled to notice Shawna's Lazarus act. On the other hand:

7. One of the people in your alliance has been feeling sick and begging you to be voted off. You refuse, saying he/she needs to stay in the game. After a tribal switch, you notice this person is getting along quite well with the new tribe members. You'd like them to stay with your alliance. Considering that you went against their wishes, how likely is this?
A. Very likely
B. Not so likely
C. I'll get back to you as soon as I'm through writing my letter to Santa. I've been extra good this year.

Deena chose "A," telling us that Shawna should stay true to the women's alliance. Not that I'm condoning Shawna's actions, but the same alliance that refused all her requests and didn't vote the way she wanted? What, pray tell, would be her motivation? Honestly, I laughed out loud.

On the other hand, poor Deena. This may be the first time "not deemed 'cute' enough" comes up in David's article series on "Why Contestants Lost."

Shawna seems particularly smitten with Alex, and vice-versa – possibly because, as Alex informed us in a line that could have been straight out of a John Hughes teen movie, "Chicks dig scars." This brings us to our next question:

8. Is it a good idea to date/fall in love with a fellow contestant while still in the game?
A. Yes
B. No
C. I'm medically required to be in love. Attached is a note from my physician, Dr. Eve Russell.

Shawna and Alex answered "A." Despite Jerri's best efforts to corral Colby, this hasn't really been too much of an issue on Survivor before, but all you have to do is take one look at Big Brother to know this isn't the wisest move. Both Will and Shannon and Eric and Lisa were looked at as alliance blocs by the rest of the house that needed to be broken up, and Shannon and Eric respectively were voted off in short order. Curiously, in both instances the remaining half of the couples went on to win the entire game, but how sure can you be that you'll be the remaining half? In short, date all you want after the show or after you've been voted off, but while you're still in the game, you see stars in your eyes; other people see a threat.