Survivor Psyche, Episode 5: I’m Melting… Melting

Back at the Tambaqui campground, Heidi, Jeanne, and Christy can’t decide how to vote, so they do the classic, short stick maneuver. Jeanne is convinced that the three men and three women are in a “tie-off” and the loser’s fate will be decided at Tribal Council. But Dave and the other men opt for the strategic alternative. Dave approaches Heidi, who has yet to unleash her concealed weapons, to ally with them. (Suzanne thinks Heidi now resembles the weasel from the Foghorn Leghorn cartoons, and has been referring to Heidi as “Ferret Face.” Melinda thinks Heidi looks like an overgrown ostrich chick, with her long scrawny neck, boiled pink complexion, and downy blonde tufts of hairs. Her vacuous buck-toothed expression adds nothing to her self-appointed role as Amazonian Bond Girl.)

Dave, the real 007, has no trouble working his mojo on Heidi. She twitches, she squirms, but she cannot, cannot escape. (You’re smart, I’m blonde – give me a clue!) “If you were in my position, what would you do?” she begs him. Heidi is just a younger version of Jan from Survivor: Thailand.

Tribal Council

When the Tambaqui tribe is assembled, Probst gets another heartfelt response from Christy. She says that the men handled her deafness “so much better than the girls did.” Roger’s body language is very clear as he is listening to Christy. He’s turned toward her with a warm and fuzzy expression on his face, stroking his beard all the while. (If you remember from Roger’s biography, he lost a daughter at the age of sixteen, and might very well have paternalistic feelings towards Christy.) Roger looks as though he were going to reach into his wallet and hand Christy a $20 dollar bill, with a pat on her head – “Here you go, kitten.”

As soon as Probst focuses on Heidi, her twitching goes into overdrive. She dithers on about girls against guys and “my head is spinning” to the extent that Christy and Jeanne start giving her alarmed looks. But it’s too late to drag Heidi back into the fold before the votes are cast. Heidi has indeed gone over to the other side – the other women vote for Butch, but brainsucked Heidi casts her vote with the men. She’s still under Dave’s spell when she writes Jeanne’s name, only to give it the manly spelling of “Gene”! And this idiot has a teaching degree! How much you wanna bet she spelled it “Jim-nasium” on her application.

Next week: It’s Girls Gone Wild Week at Tambaqui and Jaburu. Shawna and Christy break out of their old downtrodden rut and revel in some good old-fashioned manly attention.

Let’s look at the players.

The Men

Alex: You were fun again this week, even though you almost ended up a Cyclops. You could easily be the Top Dog in your new tribe.

Butch: Saved by the Belle. You could have ended up at Loser Lodge this week if Heidi hadn’t switch-hit.

Dave: You were the master strategist this week. Like Bond playing baccarat at Monte Carlo, you played the game expertly, aligning the major players where you wanted them, and without breaking a sweat. Selecting Roger and Butch for your tribe, you chose experience over youthful exuberance.

Matthew: If you’re smart, you’ll align yourself solidly with Alex and/or Deena. You’re in a better position than Rob and need to push your advantage.

Rob: You’ve gone back this week to being the asinine jerk. You had enough sense to confine your smart-ass comments to the camera, but chances are Matthew and Alex have figured you out. Align yourself with Matthew or Deena if you have any sense.

Roger: Now that you’re not threatened by a bunch of stronger, younger men, you can relax and show your friendly side. Having some women around helps to temper your abrasiveness and brings out the best in you.

The Women

Christy: It’s nice to see your tribe make the kind of practical changes necessary for you to shine. You could have a solid connection with Butch and Roger, instead of struggling with a bunch of immature cheerleaders.

Deena: You still have the potential to “persuade and influence” your new tribe. There are enough underdogs to form a new pack.

Heidi: New from Mattel – It’s Pawn Barbie. What happened to the master plan you advertised so blatantly? Your chances of going into the Final Four are as likely as Anna Nicole going to M.I.T. If you only had a brain.

Jeanne: Ding, dong, the witch is dead. Wizard Dave talked Heidi into dropping a house on you. You didn’t want to “lie and cheat” but you weren’t averse to backstabbing Deena and hounding Janet.

Jenna: Despite your youth and indiscreet blatherings, you managed to pick some decent players for your tribe. The cheerleader clique is busted for good. You need to look around and pick some allies based on attributes other than how they look in a bikini. That’s the men’s job, now.

Shawna: Reanimé Girl. Howsoever Alex goes, so goeth you. It’s time to freshen up and use some of those beauty product you girls won.

Melinda Smith is a technical illustrator and writer with a background in graphic arts. She and her family live in Cincinnati, Ohio. Her sister, Suzanne Tromblay, is a licensed social worker with the State of Ohio. Melinda can be reached at tremme@eudoramail.com.

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