Married by America, Episode 4: The First Elimination

Together we have gotten past the selection process. Less romantic than purchasing a mate on eBay, but we stuck together and are stronger people for watching the invention of the relationship kit of the new millennium. On to the reality portion of the show. Did you ever think a show could make The Real World seem... I don’t know... real? I remember my days of innocence watching Julie learn what a skeezah was. I miss Heather B.

The remainder of the series will detail the five couples living together at Copper North Ranch, a fancy pants estate, bonding, loving, learning to hate each other, or at the very least (hopefully) exchanging last names. Each week the least compatible couple, as determined by the panel of “experts,” will be eliminated until one remains. Everyone up to speed? On with this week’s episode...

Each couple gets in an SUV equipped with a map, and in some cases palpable awkwardness, and off they go. Billie Jeanne and Tony are very into each other and despite my cynicism I smile. Just give them the money now. We are treated to snippets of conversation and confessionals. We learn the following: Stephen is in a state of aftershock where he seems to be trying to come to terms with what exactly he has gotten himself into. Kevin tells Jill that if something he does annoys her she should tell him. She says she certainly will. Believe her, Kevin. Jill feels they are remarkably bonded already and I have to say they seem to genuinely dig each other. Xavier and Jennifer share that they are both control freaks. Wow. That always makes for a pleasant pairing, doesn’t it? He is so smooth I’m not sure he’s real, he may possibly be a computer generated stereotype. Matt comments to Cortez about how rigid the gender roles are as the men were told to drive. She points out they were told they could switch off and he says no, he doesn’t trust women drivers. That was a joke, Cortez... laugh. Go ahead, it’s okay, you don’t have to bear his children just because you laugh at his jokes. They talk about past relationships and she says she generally goes out with abusers. He says that will be a problem as he won’t treat her like sh*t. She says there’s a balance and I say aloud to my TV set, “Run Matt! Run like the wind!” Billie Jeanne and Tony both like porn. Isn’t it nice they already have a hobby to share? Xavier thinks Jennifer is complex, which is code for, “she doesn’t like me and that cannot be! All women like me. I am handsome and I am French.” When Matt sees Cortez’s hand it sinks in that they are really doing this. So just flashes of her left hand and not the camera crews? Seeing the two of them together is painful, he is genuinely funny and as far as I can tell she was born without a sense of humor. She feels no chemistry with him and while he may not have consciously heard the bullet whizzing past his head, dodge it he did.

Sean Valentine, up for most overacting host on a reality show, meets them at the ranch, which is very posh and Falcon Cresty in it’s splendor. Anyone can have a good time in a luxury resort, they should have put these guys in a Motel 6 with a broken ice machine to see how they would really fare, but I digress. Sean tells them that if their engagements should end he “hopes it’s deserved and hopes it’s acceptable.” Code for: “no irreconcilable differences, please... it is in your pain and humiliation that the viewers will feel better about themselves as no matter how bad their lives may be, they weren’t stupid enough to do this”.

The couples make their way to their rooms they will share and find letters on the bed about the adventures planned for them the following day. I said bed, as in singular. Rob and Laura Petrie would be shocked, they had to sleep in twin beds and pretend Richie was brought by the stork. There is a couch in the room but it isn’t a full-sized couch so as to make it a less comfortable sleeping option. I’m sure that was an oversight and the production staff didn’t do it on purpose. They wouldn’t do that. Stephen and Denise are scheduled to go whale watching, Billie Jeanne and Tony to go to the boardwalk, and Jill and Kevin got the mountain biking and hiking event.

Billie Jeanne and Tony break out the tequila and do some shots and then he tells us how being with her is like being with his fifth grade girlfriend. Apparently there was no D.A.R.E. program when he was in school... imagine fifth graders doing shots of tequila and cuddling in bed in an elegant resort. Where were their parents?

Matt and Cortez are eating and over dinner discuss the worst possible ways to die. I am trying to be too hip for this show but I’m sorry... laugh out loud funny! He thinks drowning would be the worst way to go and she says but it’s over in a few minutes, and he points out those would be a few long minutes. Not as long as having dinner with her, true, but awful nonetheless. She thinks burning would be worse than drowning. See what we have here? Fire and water... polar opposites... they don’t even want to die the same horrific accidental death, how can we expect them to fall in love?

On to a happier couple, Jill and Kevin playfully wrestle and she tells him to show her his ass. He is so mean! He tells her she doesn’t tell him what to show! Then immediately he drops the boxers to show her his ass. They have quite the comfortable groove going on and the banter is easy to watch. Laying in bed, his face close to hers, he tells her he will save her. Okay this is totally against my will and I will deny writing it and blame my editor for adding it without my consent... but... awwwwww!