The Family, Episode 3: More Reasons to Hate Donna

Okay, so we're back for another installment of this wonderful show and all I gotta say is that opening is still cracking me up so I decided that since they are giving us the faux "characters" of a prime time soap opera, there is no reason why I can't place them in their own little stereotypical category that we would find on a prime time drama.

Uncle Michael – The padrino of the clan. He's the man who is wielding all the power and the man that they all want to knock off his pedestal.

Aunt Donna – The evil bitchy wife of the padrino and they don't want to knock her off her pedestal as much as they just want to knock her off.

Anthony – The spoiled playboy son who thinks he's just the hottest thing on the planet and will sleep with any and every female guest star.

Jill – The good girl with the super secret hidden evil side that no one really sees until it's too late.

Ed – The hot-headed demanding cousin who is only in the family business because someone left him their portion of the estate to him.

Melinda – The cousin with the heart of gold who is always getting her heart broken by men to the point where there's no reason to really put her in a relationship since she will either be kidnapped, abused, or exploited in some way that makes you wonder why she hasn't learned her lesson and become a lesbian. Then again the same things would probably happen to her anyway.

Robert – The one everyone knows is evil and must be destroyed but for some reason he sticks around because he's like that thing in the movie Alien that you just hit and hit and hit and it just doesn't die.

Dawn Marie – The wacky neighbor who is always bringing over a bundt cake for a little tea and sympathy. She's the person Melinda would call on after her umpteenth boyfriend/husband dumps her.

Cousin Mike – The mysterious outsider that no one really knows how to treat or handle. He's also the one with the smoldering good looks who is sexy without being sexy.

Maria – The slut. Okay not to say she is one in real life but that entrance of her coming out of the pool makes her appear like the slut of the show. Besides, EVERY prime time drama needs a slut.

The staff – Well they are the staff... I don't think we need to go into details on that one.

So that would be the cast of this show should it be an NBC prime time soap opera. Maybe HBO, but they already have The Sopranos.

We're picking up after last night's elimination and Melinda says she can't dwell on the fact that she lost out – especially when she got to choose the person that she was going up against at the board of trustees. She's upset but she knows that there is the possibility that she can get brought back into the competition later on. Of course everyone wonders about the secret identity of the board of trustees and Melinda was sure that they wouldn't eliminate a brother and sister back to back. It's just amazing to her. Dawn Marie, on her own behalf, says that the family would be thrilled if she was the person eliminated and that they underestimated her. Well, I don't know about that Dawn Marie since you really don't know how the board of trustees actually made their decision.

Outside Mike is hanging out with Dawn Marie. It's kinda cool to watch this because Mike, who is much more of an outsider than anyone else, is sort of bonding with Dawn Marie because he was there in last week's episode and he escaped the board of trustees just like she did. He tells her that the other family members are afraid of her. She thinks this is just nuts because as she says, she's "here and down to do a lot of things." Now I wish I had a Dawn Marie-to-English dictionary to really understand what she means but Mike apparently knows what she's saying and says that it's the exact reason as to why the family members are afraid of her. Ringo says that Dawn Marie is a train wreck in high heels (oh Ringo, you do know how to turn a phrase) but he would love to see her go all the way. Ultimately, Dawn Marie and Melinda hug each other at the end of the day right before they go to bed.

There may be hurt feelings but they sure as hell aren't showing it.

Morning comes and Ringo arrives to do his morning wake-up calls because apparently alarm clocks are completely non-existent in this house. I swear Ringo, go down to the Walgreens and pick them up some and your life would probably be much easier. Then again, they would do like I have been known to do on occasion and just slap that snooze button over and over. This morning, Ringo offers the guys a private massage and they all jump at the chance to take it. If I was there, I would jump at the chance as well because I love massages. You can all get your minds out of the gutter because it's not that kind of massage. Do you know how much your muscles hurt after a few rounds of rugby? Cousin Mike says he really didn't think about whether it would be a male or female masseur when he accepted the massage. It was more or less a, "Ooooh. Massage," reaction. Something like Homer Simpson going, "Mmmm, forbidden doughnut."