Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Sexes, Episode 11: The Ancient Jungle Monkey (And Other Jamaican Folk Tales)

Welcome back. It’s been two weeks, but I’m not feeling well-rested. I just want to get this out of the way: I could go through several pages with my opinions on current events, but this gig is about the tempest in a teacup that I watch over, as opposed to the tempest outside our window. I hope that all of you reading this will remain safe in the rough times ahead.

Previously on Battle of the Sexes: Jamaica was a friendly place, where nobody had a care in the world. But then, a great evil descended upon the land, a malevolence that was never dreamt of. This evil took on a form of its own, and set out to hurt all whom it came across, all in the name of its own goals. This epicenter of wickedness goes by one name: Veronica. Do not gaze upon her, for she will make your life-… wait a second. I got Emily’s copy in front of me. My mistake. Let’s start over.

Previously on Battle of the Sexes: Jonny laid out the rules for “Battle of the Opposite Sexes,” emphasizing that a wrong answer meant removal of an item of clothing. Anne interviews that Tonya, Emily, Christina, Ayanna, and herself boycotted the game, because they “find it morally wrong.” She left out the part where stripping wasn’t a given in the game. Ruthie and Veronica state the obvious: the women’s team is fractured.

Credits! Midtown! In the wake of the Challenge marathons that aired this past weekend, I need to make two corrections. First, it was Antoine who was soaking in Puck’s speech looking scary, and not James. Also, after completing Seven Rings of Saturn, Jake hugged and tackled Jonny, not Blair.

Night at the Men’s Villa. Eric is on the cell phone, sounding concerned. He interviews that there’s distress back home, and he’s upset that he can’t be there. Mark fills us it: Eric’s sister has been in the hospital for a week with a high fever, and that’s riding on Eric.

Morning at the Women’s Villa. Everybody is asleep as the corporate sponsor phone rings. Ayanna reads the clue, which involves swimsuits and bug spray. She interviews that it’s important for her and the rest of the boycotters to step up.

And now it’s time to listen to Jamaica’s most judgmental radio station, VSUX. Anne, Christina, and Genesis sit on a bench, talking smack about Veronica, while Emily sits elsewhere. Actually, you don’t hear a name in the smack talking, but the interviews are spliced to make it seem like a Veronica bitch session. So I’m on the fence between thinking the worst of the characters and thinking the worst of the editors. Christina thinks that Veronica(?) is a bad person. “The one huge festering pool of negativity is Veronica,” Anne spews in an interview. “She makes all the other girls feel like crap.” All girls? I haven’t heard squat from Melissa and Lori about that. Somebody jokes that Veronica(?) kicks dogs. The others laugh, because nothing is funnier than animal abuse. I’d pay to see these girls work as dog walkers at Osbourne Manor. I’d feed Lola burritos for a week for maximum effect. Emily shares an opinion we didn’t ask for: “Veronica is just that girl that walks around like it’s her job to make you feel bad about yourself.” I thought that was Emily’s job. Anne thinks that Disney should base a villain on Veronica(?). I’d do the same for Anne, but villains aren’t supposed to be so bony.

Segue to the Women’s Villa. Genesis, who I’m trying not to judge, notes that the group is fractured, and there’s a lot of animosity and insecurity. Veronica notes that the current plan is to vote out the lowest scorer, but she doesn’t see that lasting. She adds, “I can tell that there are some people that are joining together, and the energy and the positivity is just getting wiped away.”

Establishing shot of moving bus. Cut to everybody walking to the mission site. Yes, Colin is still on crutches. Mark is wearing his “Hustle” t-shirt, which doesn’t bug people like Eric’s “Got Soul?” tee. Jonny welcomes everybody to Phase 2 of the game, saying that it’s everybody for themselves. Ruthie expositions that the game is half-completed, and it’s up to the individuals to determine whom the final teams will be.

Jonny goes over the mission, which doesn’t have a clever name. The challengers will hang on ropes, traversing a river by walking in stirrups. Then the Ghost of Highlights Future comes, showing clips of what’s to come. Melissa looks very reluctant. “You’re telling me I need to traverse across the dirty water for fun,” she says in an interview. “I was promised there were no leeches and no alligators. I know that’s not true.” Jonny keeps going, telling the assembled that both teams will walk from different sides. Colin expositions that time stops when the final stirrup is reached. Jonny tells everybody there’s only one shot, and those who don’t make it will receive no points. Blair tells us something I already knew: he’s starting in last place, and he’s competing against Syrus, who is a few points ahead of him. Jonny finishes up, saying that the winner gets Apple IBooks for the entire team, and the sadly misused Ion Lifesaver.

Ellen is nervous, since she’s the first woman to walk, making her the guinea pig. Colin points out his sprained ankle, saying that he’ll rely on his upper-body strength to go across. Jonny blows the air horn, starting the game. Both Ellen and Colin have little problem. Colin smarts off, telling Ellen, “I will crush you!” in a cheesy Austrian accent. Colin, you can grab her, but you can’t crush her. Colin steps into the last stirrup, finishing with a time of 3 minutes, 35 seconds. Ellen makes it at 4:08.