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Being Jeff Probstovich – Survivor: The Amazon, Episode 6: Should I Stay or Should I Go?by Lawrence AG Green -- 03/24/2003
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Being Jeff Probstovich is a fantasy column where soundbites from Survivor castaways are taken, warped, and misquoted into faux-interviews with the show's host, Jeff Probst.
Shawna was dribbling her luxury item soccer ball and sobbing as I caught up to her. I should have approached with her kid gloves, as it looked like her emotions were once again in rapid descent. But as usual, subtlety is not my bag when I get to masquerade as Jeff Probst.
Probstovich: You just told me back at tribal that you were in it for the 'long haul.' Instead, you're take the 'long walk.' What happened?
Shawna: Jeff, I guess it's the story of my life in this game. Everything is opposite. I want to be around men, I need that in my life, and I get stuck on a tribe of all women. I want shelter from the rain, and I can't even put a roof over my head. It's a total bummer. Just when I think I'm in, they pull me back out!
Probstovich: So you honestly believed you would be staying tonight? Besides the shame and humiliation of getting booted early, what's the hardest part about being voted out now?
Shawna: I don't get to see Alex. Alex is so fun. I dig his sense of humor. He's definitely my type. He's seen me at some of my worst moments and it's like Day 18, whatever. That's like revealing. I dig Alex sooooooo much.
Probstovich: Shawna, you may have created Survivor history when you were literally begging to be voted out of the game. Do you realize that 60,000 people would have given their eye-teeth just to get onto the show, and you were begging to be voted off?
Shawna: First of all, when I was sick, I was at the lowest of my low and no one was respecting the fact that I was falling apart.
Probstovich: You can say that again.
Shawna: But then the guys came, and rescued me from the women, and I got better. If you could have had the last eighteen days that I just had, you would be the luckiest person in the world. I went through so much in this brief amount of time. I don't think I've ever had a bigger crash course in life and learned so much about myself. For instance, I learned that I like to eat real food and sleep in a clean bed.
Probstovich: The guys' presence in camp at Jaburu was a breath of new life for you. What was the hardest thing about living in an all-woman tribe earlier in the game?
Shawna: You mean besides the cat-fighting, the maggot-filled manioc flour, the bugs and hairy spiders crawling all over you, getting nagged by older women trying to make you feel like you're totally worthless, the lack of toilet paper, dirty buffs, and our pathetic inability to build a shelter or catch food in the first seven days?
Probstovich: Who was the scariest woman in Jaburu?
Shawna: A lot of people might think it was JoAnna, because she was tall, strong, and could probably kick anyone's butt on the entire Amazon cast, man or woman. But truthfully, it was Heidi. Have you seen her just after she's woken up in the morning? Totally horrific.
Probstovich: It's apparent that Heidi and Jenna plan on using their looks and bodies to get them further in the game. Was that something you thought about utilizing as well?
Shawna: We were definitely in a position of power during the bathing situation in our bikinis. I'm sure guys are always thinking about bathing in Amazonian rivers with half-dressed women. But it was just hilarious. Too bad we couldn't play the entire game in the river. I'd be a rich woman right now.
Probstovich: Now that you're out and they're still in the game, do you think this strategy will pay off for Jenna and Heidi?
Shawna: I was the Survivor hot chick this time around. I don't think their strategy will get them very far, because in the end all of the guys played The Dating Game with me, not with them.
Probstovich: Is this The Dating Game or Survivor?
Shawna: You tell me, Jeff.
Probstovich: Shawna, it's obvious that you like Alex. Would you go out on a date with him? We'll pay for it.
Shawna: Sure, if Alex wants to go out on a date ... hey, wait a minute, is this Survivor or Love Connection?
Probstovich: You tell me, Shawna. Do love and Survivor mix?
Shawna: I don't know Jeff. But once Alex gets voted off and we get to spend time in Loser's Lodge, I'll let you know.
Probstovich: Shawna, it's time for you to go.
Shawna turned and walked into the darkness of the jungle and out of the game forever. As for me, my 15 minutes as Jeff Probst was over for another week. It was time for me to go too.
I'll be back in time for another Tribal Council. Who'll be voted out next?
And I'm being Jeff Probstovich.
Lawrence AG Green has been a die-hard fan of Survivor since Pagong started charbroiling island rats on Pulau Tiga. He works as a professional web developer for the company that allegedly hired Survivor: Africa winner Ethan Zohn and then subsequently let the erstwhile soccer star go before he ever started. Lawrence AG can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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