Married by America, Episode 5: That’s What Friends Are For

I have to admit that I missed the first maybe minute and a half as it took me that long to realize I was trying to tape over Ice Age, which of course you can’t tape over, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they showed – but I do remember thinking at the time, “good thing nothing interesting happened there,” so you didn’t miss anything. Trust me.

I do think the first couple scenes were cheerier though than the night vision cam of Denise begging for affection. Again. And being rejected by Stephen. Again. She asks him if he just doesn’t have the desire to kiss her and he says he does but in a tone that says otherwise. Stephen tells the camera her aggression is a turn-off. Back in bed she says that she can’t imagine him dating a woman six weeks without wanting a kiss and neither can I. She says if they had gone on three dates and he didn’t kiss her she would think he was gay and would be introducing him as “my gay boyfriend Stephen.” It’s a bitchy comment but I have no sympathy reserves for him. True, there are many reasons a man might not want to kiss you, a man can be straight and just not be attracted to you but then why date (or in this case, stay engaged)? As an aside I have gotten quite a bit of mail since I started recapping this show and a significant amount of it is from guys who would gladly trade places with Stephen and telling me how pretty Denise is and how crazy he is. And no, I can’t hook anyone up with her, I don’t know her. Write Fox.

We cut to the group breakfast scene where our host Sean Valentine tells them they will all be moving into their own villas on the estate and it will be “their first home together.” They should have chosen a host that would be a lot more tongue in cheek for a show with this kind of premise; when he gets all pompous and serious it isn’t even funny, it’s disturbing. Scenes of everyone packing and Stephen tossing bottles of booze from the room for “cocktail parties” isn’t that what married and engaged couples do, have cocktail parties? Sure, in old reruns of Bewitched. In real life, not so much.

We watch everyone check out their new digs and Billie Jeanne and Tony are bouncing around happy in the splendor... it’s really cute and I can’t hate them. I try, I do, but they are just too adorable. He is wearing some goofy do-rag which works for him and I love her flippy retro hair.

Xavier says it feels like home to them as Jennifer is being open and relaxed and to drive the point home we see her throwing a ball to a dog. They leased these guys dogs?? Did they explain to the cute little pooch the damage he will most certainly be incurring to his professional reputation by being involved in this show? I just hope he made an informed choice, dogs are so trusting. I guess he was necessary as we wouldn’t be able to understand “open and relaxed” without prop pets.

Jill is excited that she and Kevin will get to see how they will do in a real domestic situation. Uh, no. This is still playing house. Real domestic situations have bills, and groceries that need to be bought, and bathrooms that need to be cleaned, lawns that need to be cut... so if it goes well while in some fancy-pants house you are neither paying for nor maintaining, don’t get too cocky about it. In real life you have more to do than nurture your relationship.

Stephen and Denise are looking forward to the chance to be alone. Yeah, except for the cameras. You are only truly alone in the bathroom. That sounded so profound didn’t it? Anyway they both say they have a great fiancé and I roll my eyes. Lots of shots of them striking romantic greeting card poses on balconies and holding wine glasses as they gaze at each other. If they aren’t deliberately staging themselves I will apologize for mocking this entire show idea. I’m not worried. They fall asleep together on the couch in each other’s arms and the camera cuts to sleeping faces and her hand holding a glass of wine. Either she is a freakishly sound sleeper where she wouldn’t spill a glass of wine she is holding elevated or the wacky production crew is giving us a clever heads-up about someone not really being asleep. She asks for a little kiss and he refuses. Stephen tells the camera again that she’s too aggressive and keeps trying to kiss him. Poor stalked and victimized Stephen. He wants to do the chasing and wants her to do the running. Why is running necessary? Can’t two people both want to kiss, does someone’s will need to be bent? Can he not get aroused without a power struggle? At first I thought he just wasn’t attracted to her, and gorgeous as she is that happens... if there isn’t chemistry there isn’t. (Channeling our dearly departed Cortez there, sorry.) but I am beginning to think there is something seriously creepy going on in his Stephen’s psyche. Run, Denise! He goes on to tell us she’s a little much and possibly if she would just lay down on his chest and let him be more comfortable perhaps he’d have kissed her. Well, as long as you’re sure. Seriously, can’t we bring Matt back and put him with Denise? So the creepy Stephen could live in exile with the hypocritical Cortez and we can make this watchable?