Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Sexes, Episode 12: True Colors

Warning: The following recap is full of bile and hatred. Seriously, the actions of a few participants have ticked off this recapper, and he is mighty pissed. He knows that there’s bigger stuff to get angry about in the world, but he feels that it’s easier to write about what he knows. Oh, and the recapper also knows how annoying it is to refer to oneself in the third person. He is so angry, he just doesn’t care.

Previously on Battle of the Sexes: Tense music played as Emily tried to convince Ruthie and Ellen that Veronica had to go. In a nice show of intelligence, Ellen tells Emily that she is adamantly opposed. Veronica: “I feel that Emily would jump at the chance to send me home. Cut to the next episode, where Veronica could have sent Emily home, but didn’t bring it up. Ladies meeting: according to Melissa, they’re losing every mission. Come on, you gals won four out of nine. Cut to Tonya’s final words, where she encourages the women to vote off the lowest scorer. “It’s the easiest way to go,” she reasons, “because people don’t feel very hurt.” Does anybody think the ladies will heed her plea? Let’s find out.

After the credits, there’s a shot of Veronica, followed by one of Emily and James together. Emily interviews that she’s with her boyfriend and there are a lot of “sexy girls” walking around, and she feels vulnerable. Melissa drops some exposition on us: a while back, James helped Veronica move into her apartment. Ayanna picks it up, telling us that they had fooled around. Finally, a reason for Emily’s hatred! But when was this? Before James went on Maximum Velocity Tour? Before he met Emily on Extreme Challenge? Before they started dating? Afterwards? A time frame would come in handy right now, given what’s about to unfold. Emily: “I don’t want to see myself get hurt.” Others might not share that sentiment, Emily.

The sponsor phone rings. Ayanna reads the instructions: wear boots, athletic clothing, and bug spray. We waste no time with contestant preparations, going directly to the mission, which involves two sets of impossibly tall ladders. Jonny welcomes everybody to Stairway to Heaven. A close-up shows that the ladders are made up of smaller ladders, some of which aren’t connected. Jonny says that the course is 80 feet high, which isn’t as high as some of these people have been while in Jamaica (rimshot). Hey, I hear things. Syrus voiceovers that everybody is getting goosebumps. Jonny explains that the object is to climb as high as possible in one minute. Ruthie interviews that it’s not just a matter of mental preparation, but physical ability. Emily expositions that the smaller ladders have different colors, with bigger point total the further they go. Jonny unveils the prize for the best contestant: $1,000 of sponsor money for each member of that person’s team. Finally, something that won’t go on eBay. Oh, and there’s the Ion Lifesaver, which hasn’t played a role on the show. Yet.

Tense music plays as the camera pans from Melissa to Veronica. Emily interviews that she wants to stake her claim in the Inner Circle. “I’m going to take out the one person that I really want to see go home,” she says in an interview, with James standing next to her. Dude, you gotta get away from her. Mark states the obvious, that both teams want the money.

Shane vs. Genesis. Shane takes the early lead as the others cheer them on. Shane reaches the top, getting 80 points in 55.53 seconds. Genesis only earns 60 points. “I am scared to death,” she says while still on the ladder. “I never knew I was afraid of heights until right this very second.” Bungee cords lower both players to the ground. Shane picks up some sod and kisses it in relief.

Eric vs. Lori. Eric: “I’m running right up this [Oedipus Rex].” Eric takes the lead, huffing and puffing. Lori voiceovers that there are sections where the ladders are not connected. Eric gets to the top first (80, 34.56). Lori hears the countdown, but can’t make it to the top (70). “It’s scarier than you think,” she says. “I’m shaky.”

Syrus vs. Ayanna. Syrus is nervous about the mission, and notes that he’s in eighth place, while Blair is ninth. Both players go up the ladder. “Keep going, Syrus!” Antoine shouts. “Up! Up! Up!” Ellen cheers in that voice where she’s annoying even from 80 feet below. Ayanna only gets 65 points. Syrus reaches the top (80, 55:86), but he’s pissed off about his performance.

Emily vs. Antoine. Shots of Emily and Veronica. Yes, the manufactured tension is that thick. Veronica interviews that Emily doesn’t like her for some reason. That’s a huge understatement. And now it’s time for Emily to get really vicious. “There’s a bloody axe waiting for me at the top of this ladder,” she says, “And I have to get it.” Wow, I’m surprised Veronica is still breathing at this point. Jonny asks “Frenchie” if he’s ready, Antoine responds, “I’m going to try and get my Frenchie ass up in the air, you know.” The slash fiction writes itself on this show. They start up the ladder. Cut to shots of Veronica and James. Antoine gets to the top first (80, 36.67). Emily peaks as well (80, 45:09), whooping it up. Antoine: “I’m very proud to have the highest hairy back at this time in Jamaica.” Um, what? Emily sees her performance as a window of opportunity to get back in the Inner Circle. The wind is very loud eighty feet in the air.