Being Jeff Probstovich – Survivor: The Amazon, Episode 7: Roger, Over, and Out!

Being Jeff Probstovich is a fantasy column where soundbites from Survivor castaways are taken, warped, and misquoted into faux-interviews with the show's host, Jeff Probst.

Roger was muttering something about "fixing the roof in the morning and getting the fishing done before noon." I wasn't sure it had sunk in with him that he had just lost the game. Even more crucially, he lost the game one step from the jury, a no-man's land where he wouldn't even have influence on who would become the ultimate winner. For Roger, the entire experience must have been like living in Alice's Wonderland. I figured that hearing his side of the story was going to be an interesting study in delusion and delirium.

Probstovich: I'm thinking that of all the people ever voted off on Survivor, you are the most shocked and surprised. You look like the proverbial deer caught in the headlights. You didn't see this one coming. What's going through your head right now?

Roger: Huh?

Probstovich: Look, Roger, you were very confident back there at tribal. You were certain that you'd be staying for three more days. What happened?

Roger: The women wanted me gone. And it's that simple.

Probstovich: But you realize that in being voted out 7-3, it means that at least three men also voted against you?

Roger: If they voted against me, then they're women to me. I overestimated the confidence that two young men gave to me. I'm disappointed in that respect because I truly grew found of both Dave and Alex but it's obvious by the way things came out who betrayed me. Lazy kids. I was tempted to smack them around.

Probstovich: What about Rob?

Roger: Are you joking? That little kid was no threat to me or anyone. He was always 'Yes Roger this,' and 'Yes, Roger that,' just the way I like it. He had a lot of energy, but come on, a 24-year-old kid who sings karaoke in his basement? He's really pathetic.

Probstovich: Even though the two tribes had merged, you seemed to believe that the game was still the boys against the girls. Since you saw a 6-4 male-to-female advantage, would you have just picked off the women one by one?

Roger: Everything was falling into place, exactly how we planned it. I guess it seemed too good to be true.

Probstovich: Were you just outwitted?

Roger: Jeff, I wasn't outwitted or outplayed. I was just outlasted.

Probstovich: I guess one-out-of-three ain't so good, either.

Roger: I had everything under control.

Probstovich: What was your strategy, going in?

Roger: Jeff, I planned on being the bossy, older guy who yelled at people, but because I got things done, you'd keep around. And then I was going to act like a jerk so that people would want to carry me all the way to the end, thinking it would be easy to beat me head-to-head, because I had been so obnoxious.

Probstovich: How much of this strategy did you get to execute?

Roger: Well, I was working on the 'being so obnoxious' part. But I figured, since I had led the effort to build the shelter, I would stick around. I guess some of the guys really got mad when I took the beer off ice.

Probstovich: Do you feel that there were people out there who just may not have liked you?

Roger: Of course not, Jeff. I don't think I had a problem with anyone out there. Except for Daniel. I was about to give him the ol' kung fu chop. Hey, I tell it like it is. I'm not politically correct. I don't hold it back. I had a great relationship with all of the guys, and the broads too.

Probstovich: Being voted out 7-3 shows that a lot of folks were against you. Is that hard for you to believe?

Roger: I think that I am very strong-willed, and that probably threatened a few of the people in the game. Do you think I should have reined-in my personality a little?

Probstovich: Yeah, that might have been a good idea.

Roger: I guess I was my own worst enemy in this game.

Probstovich: You can say that again.

Roger: I was my own worst enemy in this game.

Probstovich: Roger, it's time to go.

He turned and headed off into the dark jungle night and out of the game forever. My 15 minutes were over too. It was time to jump out of Probst's head and go home.

I'll be back in time for another Tribal Council. Who'll be voted out next?

I'm being Jeff Probstovich.

Lawrence AG Green has been a die-hard fan of Survivor since Pagong started charbroiling island rats on Pulau Tiga. He works as a professional web developer for the company that allegedly hired Survivor: Africa winner Ethan Zohn and then subsequently let the erstwhile soccer star go before he ever started. Lawrence AG can be reached at boycaught@lagtime.com.