Married by America, Episode 6: A Family Affair

Should reality TV be physically painful to watch? I’m asking seriously, because as I was thinking that the decent thing to do would be to offer these people therapy when it was over (and by some legitimate therapists, not the whackjob “experts” they employ) I realized I should be applying for some of that therapy for me to recover from this series. [Editor’s Note: Sorry, it’s not covered by the RNO health plan.]

So after the inexplicably long “what happened last week” segment, our couples find notes in their rooms explaining the next adventure on the agenda. Kevin and Jill will be going to Long Island to meet Jill’s family, Billie Jeanne and Tony to L.A. to spend time with his family, and Stephen and Denise will head to Kingston, NY, to involve his family in this silly premise. Stephen preemptively apologizes for his family and talks about how weird it will be to introduce Denise as his fiancée. He doesn’t use air quotes around the word fiancée but they were definitely implied.

Travel montages... and Billie Jeanne and Tony walk up to his apartment and she says it looks like a clean frat house. I have seen the inside of more than a few frat houses back in college and I never saw a clean one but we’ll let it go. Billie Jeanne is all girly and homey and talking about what she can add to the place, without using the words, “woman’s touch,” it’s what she meant and the place could use a little fancying up... but Tony doesn’t like that and says he and the boys like it how it is. He couldn’t be more territorial and protective of his boundaries if surrounded the place with barbed wire.

Stephen and Denise arrive at the home of his sister Paula and her husband. Paula tells us Denise was her first choice for her brother and is glad to see how well it is working out. Hope she can handle the truth when this airs.

Jill tells us meeting her family is an odd experience and she wins the award for biggest understatement of the evening. They walk up to the house and as she hugs her parents her dad, Anthony, tells Kevin to step off. I have to say I don’t find him scary at all. He is clearly opinionated and bossy and seems to need to cloak himself in this hostile and intimidating persona, but you know he is just at the mercy of his wife and daughter and I think all his blustering stems from knowing he has no real control whatsoever. It amuses me. Sitting around the kitchen table Jill shows her parents the ring and they talk about the engagement. Anthony says it is premature and there should be some courtship first. Well, duh. See what I was saying? If he really felt he could enforce that would he have participated in selecting a stranger for his daughter? I submit to you the answer would be no. Hence the difference between being truly protective and being helpless in the face of her doing what she wanted regardless of his wishes.

A personal aside here to shed some light on why I pay him no heed. I had one of those dads who was overprotective and intimidating to any guy sniffing around one of his daughters... and he never thought anyone was good enough for us until they proved themselves worthy in the whole taking care of us and loving us and making us the center of their universe thing. If I had come to him with this ridiculous premise of “please Daddy go on TV and pick a stranger for me to marry and then let camera crews come into the house to film the ensuing awkwardness,” he would have not threatened to blow the roof off like Anthony did, he would have done it. And after having the roof replaced, he would have locked me in my room until I came to my senses and he would have opined on the brain damage of anyone going along with this. So this is why I can just sit back and laugh at Jill’s dad, because if he were truly the man he is alleging himself to be, no way would he be involved in this.

Back to the show. Jill pressures her dad to show Kevin around the place and you can tell she wants them to be alone together so she can talk to her mom. She tells her mom how her dad is ready to blow and he’s like this with every guy she brings home and hopes Kevin doesn’t take it personally. Her mom agrees but you can tell neither of them are afraid of his anger even a little bit. See? Big and blustery putty in their hands. Cut to Anthony showing Kevin the backyard. Even when discussing the landscaping Anthony’s speech is peppered with bleeped out words. Kevin says Mr. Nic (short for Nicolini, he already has a nickname for him, how cute) tries to be a hard-ass. Ya think? When they were outside the background music was something straight out of The Godfather... I do love cheese! Excellent job, editing crew, poking a little fun at the wannabe don. Anthony asks Kevin how he plans on supporting his daughter and Kevin stumbles over his answer saying something about how he will do marketing for companies who will then pay him. For the marketing he does for them. I don’t read anything shady about his lack of flow in answering the question, Kevin chokes when asked anything directly which makes is ease around Jill seem all the more genuine. That was actually a legitimate dad question and typical future son-in-law nervous response and seemed like a real moment. Or I am just so beaten down by the contrived nature of most of this I am grasping at straws, so don’t go by me.