Reality High Test Results, Survivor: The Amazon, Episode 7: Hate to Say I Told You So

Not that Dave is all that (insert your own rocket scientist joke here) when it comes to picking up on plotting and scheming in the first place, mind you. From my column on Episode 3:

"7. Yes, Virginia, there is plotting and scheming on Survivor.

Dave disagreed. He seemed utterly amazed to realize that people were – gasp! – talking behind each others' backs and playing the game! I sat Dave down and broke the news gently to him that while we're at it, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy don't really exist. "But... but... I used to get quarters... and the milk and cookies were always gone..." he stammered. I patted him on the head and assured him it would all be OK."

Dave was similarly clueless this week when the tribes merged. "Nobody's thinking about who's going next at [this] point!" he chirped as everyone enjoyed their meal. Could he be any more dense?! I mean, just for starters, Rob alone is pulling so many strings behind the scenes he practically had a neon sign over his head flashing "Call Me 'Gepetto'." Furthermore, who's front and center on Rob's hit list? Yup! You guessed it – our intrepid rocket scientist himself! This was the first in a series of howlers out of Dave's mouth this week, leading me to think that perhaps what I attributed to skill in picking the new tribes was just sheer dumb luck. Speaking of which, let's reexamine that, shall we? From my column on Episode 5:

"10. After a tribal swap, your tribe is divided equally between original and new members. You and your fellow original tribemates decide to target one of the new members at Tribal Council. You know the following information about them through observation and preswap discussion with a representative of the other tribe. Which person do you target?
A. The one who was next in line to be booted on the other tribe and thus has no real alliance partners
B. The one who tells you how much nicer you treat him/her than his/her former tribemates and thus could possibly be persuaded to join your alliance
C. The one who has strong alliance partners left on the other tribe and who will likely rejoin them postmerge

The Tambaqui men chose "A." For the life of me, I can't figure out why the answer wouldn't be "C." It makes absolutely no sense. Dave specifically chose Heidi first because he knew she was Jenna's best friend there and closest ally... so why on earth would he bring Heidi over to his tribe only to keep her around so she could rejoin Jenna after the merge?... Any way you slice it, I just can't see the logic in keeping someone who's almost guaranteed not to be loyal over two people who could be."

Let's see. What was the first thing Heidi did postmerge? IMMEDIATELY run to Deena and Jenna to blab that not only was she back in their alliance, but Roger needed to go first because if he was on the jury he'd never vote for a woman! (As much as I may have ripped on Heidi's "cute girls" schtick before, SMART thinking there.) So the notion of Heidi remaining with them was completely shot to hell in oh, the first five seconds. Too late to recruit Jeanne – they voted her off. Perhaps they could make an effort to keep Christy on their side, since it was no secret she hated her treatment at Jaburu? Nope – once Deena won immunity, they targeted Christy FOR THE BOOT!

See, this is what I mean. At this point, forget questions – all you can do is sit back, point, and laugh.

And the yuks came fast and furious. First up, Dave solemnly assured us in confessional that the plan was for the six guys to eliminate the four girls. Christy was up first because it was the way the old alliance was voting, so she should be really worried, as should Deena for butting heads with Roger!

Oh yeah. I'm sure Deena and Christy were just quaking in their boots, considering that they were the last two standing in the immunity challenge. Speaking of which, as soon as Roger gave up and jumped off – with NO reward as incentive, mind you – Jenna gave the thumbs up to Deena, who returned the favor. Meanwhile, Alex is giving his own thumbs up and Christy's grinning like the Cheshire cat.

Screw whether this was smart strategy. I was HOWLING. Yeah, it may not have been the wisest move to be so openly gleeful, but to paraphrase the Colbster, it's Roger so I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

"Roger's planning all these activities and he won't even be here!" gleefully noted Deena when they returned to camp. Why, she even refused to pack heading to tribal council! (I have to admit that at first my jaw dropped at her hubris, but then I realized, DUH – she has immunity! What can I say? I have natural blonde highlights.)

Did Roger himself have any inkling he was doomed? Oh no. "The women are gone – it's that simple!" he assured us. He noted for the second time that episode it seemed to good to be true (which of course it was) – not that he did a single thing about it, mind you.

Jenna and Heidi howled over the guys thinking they were picking the girls off and being "generous" in saying they'd spare them – and for once, I was laughing with them, not at them.

I then proceeded to fall out of my chair when this immediately cut to the following pearls of wisdom from Dave:

"All four of the females realize they are going to be quickly eliminated because the six guys are sticking together a little better. I don't think they're surprised; six guys, four girls – they're looking to go packing pretty quick!"

Oh, WHATEVER, Captain He-Man of the Spaceship I've Got These Lil' Fillies Trained.

Then we reached the actual tribal council, where Roger yawned that sure, he could have lasted longer in the immunity challenge had he felt it mattered, as seven tribe members did their best to restrain themselves from pointing and shouting, "HA ha!" (If someone had REALLY imitated Nelson from The Simpsons as they held up their vote for Roger, that would have topped even Rob's Casey Kasem schtick.) Thus, Roger was booted 7-3, and there was much rejoicing in the tribe – well, for seven of them anyway. Where's JoAnna with a good "HALLELUJAH!" when you really need her?! Roger said he wasn't outwitted or outplayed – just outlasted. Um, sure.