American Idol 2, April 2: Too Much Time On My Hands

Disco Week. Somehow, the defining moment of American Idol, it is anticipated, yet dreaded. This week lets us see, in this midst of all this partying, how cold this business and Fox can be!

Ryan welcomes us to this Results Show by telling us he spent two hours pulling glitter from the crevices of his body. Where is Dunkleman?

Ryan tells us that a record-setting 15 million votes were cast this week!

We are introduced to the judges, Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, and the inexplicably crabby Simon Cowell.

Ryan turns his attention to the remaining eight contestants (eight because, of course, Corey Clark was expelled).

Josh is reminded that there has been a lot of media attention about him, what with the war and all, does that add to his pressure? Josh says he feels pressure only in wanting to represent the Marines the way they should be represented.

Carmen, you seem to be getting more comfortable each week, is this so? Carmen says it is so.

Kimberley L., is it trying being in this competition. Kimberley says it is tough, but everyone has learned to pace themselves for getting up at the break of dawn and it's all work and very little play. (The judges play metaphorical violins for them.) Kimberley adds that she loves it, and wants to do it forever and forever and forever.

Rickey, Simon tried to pop your disco globe last night, is he gonna break your stride? (Sorry, I got caught up.) Simon had harsh criticism for you, does it bother you? Rickey says, "you take what he says and grow." (Excellent.)

Ryan takes us to a recap of the performances from last night. We've talked about that. (Dang, I got a lot of email from you all today! I feel like I stirred up something, but there will plenty to talk about before I'm done, believe me!)

The eight contestants perform Shalamar's "A Night To Remember" live!

There is an hour to kill, so here is the planted audience member question segment.

Randy, what advice would you give to aspiring performers? "Quit while you're ahead!" Heh heh heh. "Burn all pictures of your high-top fade!" No, that was me answering for him! What he said was to be sure that you give your best every time you go out there. (Ryan adds, "One bad performance can be the end of you!" Uh-oh, Josh, that smells like foreshadowing!)

Paula, if you saw Simon on the street for the first time, would you take two steps backward or ten steps forward? Paula playfully says she would run to him and kiss him so much! So, go ahead. For a moment, it looks like we may get up close and personal with Paula's lunch, she says something inside her won't let her go on with this farce. It might be dignity.

Simon, if you were on a deserted island, whose CD would you want with you? (I hate this question! If you were on a deserted island, how would you play a CD? How many batteries do you have and aren't there better things to do with them? Am I thinking too much?) Simon sourly says, "I'm not answering this." He doesn't want to go on with the farce either. Ryan tries to prod him to play nice, Simon repeats, "I'm not answering this." What is wrong with him??

Ruben, what was your favorite genre? Ruben hems and haws and finally says, "The country was pretty cool!" His least favorite? He didn't have one.

Ryan, since Simon said "It's Raining Men" was your favorite song, what is Simon's? Ryan says that Simon told him a story about being a club called The Manhole and it's "YMCA." Oh. My sides are splitting. Comedy like this makes me forget about Seinfeld.

Kimberly C., fess up, you and (Pick to Click) JD Adams, what is the deal? Kimberly swats the question to JD like a Serena Williams backhand! JD does his best to be evasive, but Ryan outs them.

Ryan shows us footage of the contestants recording "God Bless the USA," and for all my sarcasm, they do a remarkable job of it. There are nine singers because Corey was still there. But wait, there's Julia. Where's Kimberley Locke? She's not there. Very odd, but no explanation is given.

Ryan feels compelled to share that he is calm on the outside, but inside he is "trembling like a six year old girl." He is really trying to make me hate him.

Now, we see footage of the contestants getting manicures, pedicures, deep-tissue massages, and peeled grapes fed to them on chaise.

Time for business finally. (Finally!) The bottom three vote-getters are to be revealed.