Being Jeff Probstovich – Survivor: The Amazon, Episode 8: Strategy, Not Rocket Science

Being Jeff Probstovich is a fantasy column where soundbites from Survivor castaways are taken, warped, and misquoted into faux-interviews with the show's host, Jeff Probst.

Dave was still scratching his head when I caught up to him on the exit route. He had that deer-in-the-headlights look in his eyes. He didn't appear surprised that he was voted out, only disappointed. I was curious to find out why.

Probstovich: Early in the game, you got on a pedestal and made a speech about integrity and not lying to the others. Is it scary to realize that everyone else may have been lying to you all along?

Dave: Jeff, this game is a test of integrity. I wanted people to know right off the bat that I wasn't going to lie or cheat to get ahead. Now that I'm out, I've come to realize that a few white lies here and there would have been OK.

Probstovich: Dave, you've got to be happy that you made the jury. But let's be a little honest here, aren't you surprised that you were voted out this early?

Dave: Yeah, I'm on the Jury; that's not too shabby. But Jeff, by the time Roger was voted off it didn't take a rocket scientist to realize that I was probably next on the chopping block.

Probstovich: So what's your theory on that?

Dave: I think my integrity left a bad taste in everyone's mouth.

Probstovich: At the very first Tribal Council, you made an analogy about the quarterback not sleeping with the cheerleader at halftime, because everyone was there to win the game. Was that you spooning with Heidi the other night?

Dave: (laughs) Aw, shucks, you got me Jeff. I was a running back.

Probstovich: You're out of the game while Rob, clearly not a threat to you in the physical or mental arenas, is still alive. You know that Rob had a crush on Heidi; do you think he was jealous that you were spooning with her?

Dave: I don't think Robasue's jealous. But he may be a little bent-out-of-shape that I made that speech about the quarterback and the cheerleader and then tried to steal his "girlfriend." But Heidi came on to me, not the other way around. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

Probstovich: You made repeated comments that you didn't realize the game that was going on around you. What's the hardest part about Survivor, playing the game or "playing the game?"

Dave: I'm clueless Jeff. I didn't realize there was a difference.

Probstovich: What's the stupidest move you made while out here, and if you had played it differently, do you think you'd still be in the game?

Dave: My stupidest move was forming an alliance with Roger. If I didn't do that, I'd still be in it right now. I knew that some of the people were bothered by Roger's temper, which was just his way of showing "tough love." But what's love got to do with Survivor?

Probstovich: If Survivor was rocket science, how would you describe it?

Dave: Survivor is the kind of spacecraft that NASA would build. Unfortunately, the way I played Survivor is the kind of spacecraft that schoolkids would build in model rocketry club.

Probstovich: Dave, when armed with the facts, your analysis is accurate and true.

Dave: As with most scientists, I do my best work when I have all of the facts lined up in front of me.

Probstovich: On Survivor, that just isn't going to happen. Dave, it's time for you to go.

Dave stepped into the shadows and made the long walk out of the game.

I'll be back in time for another Tribal Council. Who'll be voted out next?

I'm being Jeff Probstovich.

Lawrence AG Green has been a die-hard fan of Survivor since Pagong started charbroiling island rats on Pulau Tiga. He works as a professional web developer for the company that allegedly hired Survivor: Africa winner Ethan Zohn and then subsequently let the erstwhile soccer star go before he ever started. Lawrence AG can be reached at boycaught@lagtime.com.

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