Are You Hot?: The Finale

After a lengthy hiatus due to war coverage, Are You Hot? returns to the joy of contestants and their families, and the groans of everyone else. However, tonight promises to be different (but probably not better) because it is the semi-finals and finals combined. We finally get to see who wins the whole show (and even better, the show is over!!).

OK, so the first order of business is to announce who moves on as the hottest competitors from the Southwest “Hot Zone.” As I predicted in my last article, it’s Jimmy, David, Crystal, and Rachel. (Instead of letting people vote, it was decided based on the experts’ scores. Since I passed third grade math, I didn’t leave myself in suspense).

They cut to the interviews; Jimmy says it’s intense, fun, and he got a good feeling when they called his name. Crystal says it was a sigh of relief. David says it’s a miracle and unbelievable. Rachel says there are a lot of beautiful girls and she was like, wow, me? Then they have the obligatory sad person, this time it’s Sharee, who says she is a little upset but thinks everything happens for a reason and she may get something better (oh, better than $50k and a trip to Tahiti? Like maybe a modeling contract or something useful career-wise?).

JD Roberto comes onstage and explains that America is one step closer to finding its new sex symbols (whew!). He explains that we will meet the semifinalists, but instead of concentrating on the experts’ scores, the semifinalists will be giving a “Declaration of Hotness” (I can’t make up stuff this good, people!) which will be their chance to do or say whatever it takes to prove they are the sexiest people. Puh-lease! Declaration of Hotness? That’s not even funny, that’s just plain dumb.

We are re-re-re-re-introduced to Randolph Duke (whose hair is quite a bit lighter than I remember), Rachel Hunter, and Lorenzo Lamas (could you just stop calling him international heartthrob?). The semifinalists strut onstage and we meet them again:

Northeast: Lisa, Kevin B., Cari, Travis.
Southeast: Valerie, Ryan, Chantille, Kevin P.
Northwest: Renee, Shipley, Amber, Tony.
Southwest: Crystal, Jimmy, Rachel, David.

JD says that after the commercial, the contestants will once again appear in their bathing suites, “but this time we get to hear them talk.” Oh boy!! Be still, my beating heart. Will there be war protests, deep philosophical insights, or… wait, what am I thinking? I am definitely in for another two hours of canned clichés.

So, the setup for the semifinals is that the contestant comes onstage while we listen to a quick video segment of each contestant in their hometown. Then the contestant struts onstage, gives their Declaration of Hotness, and the judges secretly score them again on the face/body/sex appeal triumvirate. At the end of the show, we will find out who received the highest scores and moves on to be one of the eight finalists. Well, wait. We only find out who has scores in the top half.

Since the scores are secret, the criticisms of the experts essentially the same, and the Declaration of Hotnesses (I guess that would be the plural…) are inane, I will just tell you who advances to spare the insanity: Shipley, Jimmy, David, Travis, Lisa, Cari, Crystal, Chantille. The rest of the folks are left standing under the giant “NOT” sign.

With this over with, we can move on the finale – to increase the drama, instead of just announcing the winner, the show will announce who is eliminated until a winner is found. Oh boy! Like this wasn’t long and repetitive enough!

First up are the guys. Before announcing who is eliminated, something really insane happens. JD asks the experts who they think will go first. Um, hello? I can’t believe no one with the show realized that these are the same people who submitted the scores. This isn’t like American Idol where the judges just give opinions but the votes are decided from call-ins. The experts all predict Shipley will be the one to go. After some more back-and-forth, Shipley’s name is announced (what a shock). He walks over the a little conversation pit with JD, and we get some flashbacks of “our favorite Shipley moments.” Since we already saw all of these moments in earlier episodes, why reiterate? It’s not like we have these deep emotional attachments to these people. Maybe a review of our favorite moments of a character is appropriate for, say, Survivor. Or The Bachelor. OK, even Joe Millionaire. Not for this show – we didn’t even know them! That was basically the whole point. I get very annoyed and can barely stand to watch. Shipley gets his parting comments, and says he did his best and he can’t go back and change anything, so why dwell on it? Right on, brother Shipley. Why dwell on it at all?

OK, next up are the ladies. This is when the really stupid predictions really come back to bite. All three experts pick Cari as the one to go first. OK… but then, after more back-and-forth, Lisa is eliminated. Either the “experts” messed up their scores, or the thing was rigged. Anyway, it makes NO SENSE. Lisa walks over to the conversation pit, where we get to reminisce about our non-existent relationship with Lisa.

Back to the guys – Jimmy is the next to go. I can’t help it, but guys with blonde curly hair just don’t cut it for me. Jimmy, however, at least is honest: he says how great it is to see all the ladies. He also wins the good sport award by saying that now it’s got to be kept in San Diego, so he hopes they voted for Dave.