Survivor Psyche, Episode 8: Mission Aborted

Innocents Abroad

A new day dawns at Camp Jacaré as Deena and Rob hoist an extremely nasty Jolly Roger up the shelter flagpole. (It’s a lovely gray pair of Roger’s underwear. They couldn’t find a ten-foot pole, so the crew uses a stick to place them in the crook of a tree.) Deena exults about their “lighter, happier tribe” while Rob plays Taps. “My panties are still on fire and I’m going 120 miles an hour, but I feel pretty in control!”

But not everyone in the tribe feels like joining the romp. “I have to play the game according to how things are right now,” a newly chastened Dave assures us. So, what do super-brain Dave and Principal Butch do that morning?

Lick their wounds and regroup?

Strategize how best to ally themselves within the tribe?

Do something completely extraneous to convince everyone how pathetic they are?

”Dave and I are getting ready to build a dock – just a little courtesy for everybody here at camp,” Butch confides to the camera. Rob, Christy, and Alex watch in amusement while Dave and Butch whack at trees. It doesn’t take long before Rob’s simmering envy forces him to make a collect call to his id. “I can’t take anymore. He’s a show-off and he’s arrogant. Dave’s gotta go.” This week, Rob says his main alliance is to Deena, Jenna, Heidi, and surprise! – Alex.

Dave elucidates on his game survival tactics. “I think that I have been on good terms with everybody and hopefully just being a hard worker and dedicated and motivated and fun to be around will keep me around for a little bit longer.” Dave doesn’t sound so much like an All-American Mensa member here, as a boyish innocent who has been hoodwinked by craftier players. He’s Pinocchio to Rob’s Felonious Fox – Oliver Twist taken in by the Artful Dodger.

Alternate Universe

Matthew, the other brainsucked player, exhibits a more insidious kind of behavior. “The craziest man I have ever met has been living with me 24 hours a day nonstop,” Rob tells us breathlessly. Don Matteo has been spending his leisure time compulsively sharpening his machete and weirding out his tribe members. “He’s creepy,” Christy shudders, “creepy.” Jenna confronts him directly. “Are you gonna butcher us all?” “I promise I won’t harm anyone – I’m a pacifist, guys,” Matthew replies cryptically. “Blood scares me too. Human blood, my own blood – blah!” (This speech is eerily reminiscent of Dracula’s Renfield trying to persuade everyone of his sanity while he’s gobbling down spiders.) We get a good close-up look at Matthew’s bulging biceps and diabolical grin. His fragile psyche is cracking under the pressure of trying to reconcile Rob’s trickster version of reality with what’s actually happening in camp. The former good King Theoden has been brainwashed by Grimma Wormtongue.

Reward Challenge: Take No Prisoners!

The contest area consists of a giant mud pit with flags planted in rows. Everyone is galvanized by the prospect of spending the afternoon at DQ eating strawberry parfaits and brownie sundaes. The players are divided into teams of three and strapped like oxen to constrictive bungee cords. It’s a nitty gritty mudfest as Alex and Dave pull Deena, Rob and Christy struggle along with Butch, and Matthew charges forward like a crazed buccaneer, towing Heidi and Jenna behind him. Matthew gives full rein to his inner pirate in this challenge, wearing his buff swashbuckler style, and clenching his trusty machete between his teeth as he plows toward the flags. (Just kidding! About the machete, anyway.) Heidi and Jenna are merely thoroughbred Matthew’s handicap in this race. The only thing Heidi and Jenna contribute is fodder for the male audience’s fantasy of chicks mud wresting. But Mad Don Matteo and his Shetland Ponies are no match for the mighty thighs of the Clydesdales. Deena, Dave, and Alex win the challenge easily. However, there’s a fly in the sundae – only one member of the team will feast at the ice cream bar. Now, Deena, Dave, and Alex repeat the challenge as an individual event. Deena puts on her game face, and even though Alex is a bona-fide triathlete, they’re no match for jet-propelled Dave. To no one’s surprise, Probst announces that Dave gets to take a date along to the Malt Shop. Dave catches a lucky star when Deena correctly guesses his tiebreaker. She is the alpha player he needs to court to save himself from being cast back into space.

Deena is ecstatic at the prospect of sharing Mr. Misty Kisses with Dave. She squeals with delight and runs up and down the line of players hugging and high-fiving them. The camera cuts back to Bitch-Queen Jenna’s scowling expression more than once. Jenna makes no attempt to put on a happy face and congratulate the winners. She’s either too pissed off or too stupid to realize (unlike former Survivor contestants before her) that she needs to suck it up and smile for the winners. But, that would involve acting, and Jenna merely reacts.

The Howard Johnson Hotel and Ice Cream Bar awaits Deena and Dave. It’s a luxurious bungalow affair, decorated with candles, and furnished with plenty of iced tea, desserts, and bath water. “I’m in strawberry bliss,” Deena sighs rapturously as she partakes of a parfait. Girl from Ipanema-type music plays as Deena and Dave dip and soak. It’s not long before Dave and Deena exhibit surefire signs of a sugar high. They’re relaxed and giddy in their respective tubs, and Dave takes the opportunity to beg for Deena’s help. “It does not take a Rocket Scientist to figure out that in the proverbial sense, I am quite f***ed,” he admits. Deena, the consummate litigator, accepts his plea and offers to act as negotiator on his behalf with the tribe. Matthew is the other player on trial, and they discuss Matthew’s “5150” insanity plea status.

Midnight at the Oasis

Hypocritical Heidi and Jenna snipe about Dave getting a “second” shower. “It’s just so wrong!” they whine. “Banana Split losers!” (What would you do for a Klondike Bar, Jenna? “I’d take my clothes off -- Duh!”) While the girls are washing off their grunge, Rob and the guys strain their necks to catch a glimpse of the bathing broomsticks. “Twigs and Sticks are a nickname for Jenna and Heidi,” Rob confides. “I am aware of how they’re trying to use their sexuality to get me to do things that I wouldn’t normally do. I really do play this game with this head, even though it does look like a different head.” (Excuse me, Rob, are these your eyeballs? We found them in Heidi’s cleavage.)

Like all sensible Survivors, Dave and Deena take great pains to downplay their reward when they get back. Dave calls the resort a “dumbed-down bungalow,” and says the banana split was nothing special. Both Deena and Dave wisely try to slip back into the tribe’s nightly routine, but nothing they can say or do makes Jenna happy. “You had ice cream all day and we are starving and you want to come back and eat my manioc and fish,” she whines in her best Karen from Will and Grace voice. (Jenna seems to forget that she won a big reward for no particular reason a few days back, complete with refreshing shower, deluxe accommodations, and a feast. Did she bring back treats then for her tribemates? But let’s be fair, where would she have smuggled them?) Jenna spits venom when she calls Deena a “fat pig.” “Screw you!” she snarls, but always behind Deena’s back.

It’s Rob’s turn to ooze malice that night as Dave and Heidi snuggle. Rob’s eyes take on a green neon glow as a hot surge of jealousy shoots through his veins. “Is Heidi just trying to play me?” Grimma Robtongue simmers. “What are my chances if Dave isn’t around?”