Married by America, Episode 7: Disaster Preparations

I have a cold that won’t go away and wicked bad bilateral ear infections, yet what has been causing me the most discomfort, by far, was watching this show. I want a raise, a new car, daily massage therapy until my recovery is complete, and a case of Absolut. This in addition to the psyche therapy I begged for last week. Oh, ha ha, look the recapper is trying to be funny. I’m dead serious.

But when I make a commitment, I soldier on no matter how horrific it becomes... hey, maybe I should be on this show. That would be so like me to marry some doofus just because I said I would. Nah, they’d have lost me long before they tried to give me the bad wedding hair of episode three. So here we go and I do have to admit if I was not recapping this I’d still finish out the season to see if any blood will be spilled on pretty white bridal gowns.

I could tell you all about “previously on Married By America...” but it would take far less time for you to read last week’s recap. They really have no faith in the attention spans of their viewing audience. So on with tonight’s episode. Tony tells us the elimination went well as he and Billie Jeanne are still “alive and well.” I don‘t think the panel has the power to kill you, Tony, if they don’t like your relationship – but the way the rules keep changing anything is possible. Flashback to his pain in the last elimination session and then telling us now she is so amazing and he wants to live up to be who she deserves. Are the editors trying to tell us he’s conflicted or lying? You be the judge. Billie Jeanne says reality is setting in and she can’t wait. And she looks like she can’t wait. One thing you can say about her, she isn’t conflicted at all. Cut over to Kevin and Jill drinking wine and he offers a toast, “here’s to you and me” which she immediately “corrects” him, “you and I.” He is confused for a second, “you and I?” before agreeing with her, “that’s right.” Uh... no. You were confused because you were right, Kevin, it is “you and me” and perhaps Jill should refresh herself with simple rules of grammar before correcting others in a snotty way on TV. Flashbacks to the last elimination about Kevin’s closeness with his family and Jill wondering if he will ever be able to break free of that and put her first. This won’t be the last time she projects her own issues onto others this episode so stay tuned. Kevin says the greatest things he has are his family and friends and he wants them to accept Jill as if this were any other marriage. You know, the other kind, where people actually meet before getting engaged. Good luck with blurring the difference there, Kevin, but your family and friends seem way too normal and smart to fall for it.

We now find ourselves at another brunch where Sean, our host, happens to drop by to pontificate to our remaining couples about their final chapter and asks them to process for a moment exactly what it means to be preparing to marry in a few days time. Obviously none of them do as no one got up and ran away screaming. Now they will take on the same challenges that face any couple as they count down to their wedding date. You mean the challenges of being filmed 24/7 while having to abate the fears of those who love you because you are jumping into marriage with a stranger to whom you became engaged sight unseen? Every couple goes through that. He tells them that while the panel will no longer be voting to eliminate them they will still be their “guides” and “confidants” through the process. I had to rewind that to make sure I wasn’t just making up absurd comments as I write this in my head, but no, he really said this. With guides like this no wonder they are lost. Also, aren’t confidants people you voluntarily confide in out of closeness and trust who don’t normally have the power to humiliate you on TV or veto your relationship? Or deny you cash and prizes? They are taking quite the liberties with the English language. But no one will be eliminated tonight and it is up to America – those who care enough to vote – to determine which of the two couples will have the opportunity to marry and receive the half a million dollar wedding gift including $100,000 in cash, a luxury car, and, if they stay together, a house to “start their married lives.” But how can it be for starting if you have to stay together before you get it so therefore you will have to start somewhere else? I have to stop trying to make sense of this before I hurt myself.

Billie Jeanne tells us if she and Tony win the prize they can both get out of debt and have a fresh start. For my upcoming wedding I want to point out that $100,000 in cash, a luxury car, and a house would also help us get off to a good start. Where do we register for that? Kevin said he is going into this for the right reasons and wants to make sure Jill is as well. He doesn’t want her coming into it otherwise. He mentions this repeatedly so I think he has some doubt about her motives.

Oh visitors. Again. As Jill and Kevin discuss their relationship someone knocks on the door to Jill and Kevin’s *villa* (which is an exotic word for a house that wouldn’t look out of place in many suburbs across America) and Jill says she thinks somebody is there. Nothing gets past her. They answer it but no one is there. Oh my gosh! Ghosts? Roving bands of small children playing ding-dong-ditch? No, it’s Kevin’s friend Robert and Jill’s sister Jennifer, who rang the bell then stepped out of sight to watch the confusion and wacky hilarity ensue. Jill sees her sister and there is much shrieking. It turns out they are there for Jennifer to take Jill shopping for a wedding dress! Accompanied by more shrieking! You know the kind of shrieking girls do when they are excited that is fun to the participants but makes everyone else want to slap them? That kind of shrieking. Except for a few lapses in college which were powered by Everclear, I thought stopped doing this in high school, but since it is a prominent theme throughout the show with more than just Jill, apparently some women don’t. Maybe that’s a warning sign of a potential future on romance based reality shows? If your daughter doesn’t seem to be outgrowing the shrieking by Junior year perhaps an early intervention is in order unless you want her to be grist for the Fox mill.