Star Search, April 9: Stinking Up the Joint

That’s right folks, Star Search is back, and so am I. This is the third show of the third series, and the performers better be on their game, because the semi-finalists who are already in will be tough to beat. We have a few people who are up to the challenge, though. But before we get to them, we must remember our panel of judges.

Naomi Judd is back tonight, ready to lay the smack down on some people by the looks of things. Ben Stein is in his obligatory seat as well, and filled with praises for our troops. Ben, how patriotic of you! Ahmet Zappa rounds out our permanent judges. And as for our guest judge, Kathy Najimy is joining our esteemed panel. You probably remember Kathy from such classics as Sister Act, Hocus Pocus, and… Veronica’s Closet. Well, at least the first two, seeing as nobody actually watched Veronica’s Closet.

Anyway, enough about these four. They’ll have their say soon enough. And to start it off we have the Junior Singers Category.

Melissa - “Part of Your World”

• Naomi says her voice is very “Disney.” She has an “after-school sound.” Well that’s a good thing right? Obviously not, 3 stars.
• Ben says that this girl was big when she needed to be, and personal at times too. Great, he’s gonna love her. 4 stars. What?
• Zappa claims that if the singing doesn’t work out, she could be a supermodel. While I suppose this is a half compliment, there are so many things wrong with it. First off, she’s a child, quit looking at her like that. It’s just icky! And secondly, saying the phrase “well if singing doesn’t work out…” after someone sings is just kind of mean. Anyways, he decides to give her 3 stars. And his phone number.
• Kathy agrees that she is beautiful and tells her that she has the spirit of the song, and sounds her age. I love that. But still only finds 3 stars to give.

That gives Melissa a grand total of 13 stars.

Mariah - “Fame”

Let me just say that, I think she is TOTALLY unauthentic when she’s talking in her bio. She seems like she’s reading off a cue card. But I suppose it’s her performance that counts. Unfortunately, I don’t like it much better. It’s not that she’s singing the song badly, but I feel like I’m watching a 32-year-old instead of a 9-year-old. It just kind of ruins it for me. The shaky low notes don’t help. And is anyone else noticing the Julia DeMato side-stepping going on too? I will say though that her ending is much stronger. Will that be enough to save her?

• Naomi looks pleased and calls Mariah a “giant talent.” Wow! 4 stars.
• Ben disagrees slightly saying that she sounded a little flat. Still she’ll get 3 stars.
• Zappa does say he’s charmed. But he is also making one mistake after another. He calls the song “bitchin’.” Doesn’t he know he can’t talk like that in front of kids! I am glad to see that Naomi corrects him as well. I’m sure he’ll get a spanking for that later.
• Kathy seems to be in my same mindset about the age factor. She says that Mariah has a “big voice.” Maybe a little too big though, seeing as she only gets 3 stars.

That gives Mariah a grand total of 14 stars.

Well, Melissa and Mariah are close. 13-14. This is the perfect chance for America to reverse it. Give it to Melissa. For the sake of not sounding like an aging Whitney Houston, please. And they decide… that the big voice wins. It’s Mariah, 27-30. Oh well, I guess I can’t win them all.

Next we have the Young Dancer Category.

Shockwave begins. Arsenio reveals that this first group will be… clogging? They pop on screen and claim they want to show people it’s not just a country dance. Of course their claim is delivered in a strong, slow southern accent. Right, I’ll keep this in mind.

First off let me say that they’re dressed like hideous cheerleaders from the 1980s. Yikes! They are really good though, and very synchronized. For those of you who aren’t dance experts like me (in case you didn’t realize, that was dripping with sarcasm), you might like to know that I’ve found that to be the key to group numbers. Let’s see if that’s what the judges think as well…

• Mr. Stein says that “Lord of the Dance” better watch out. 5 stars.
• Ahmet agrees whole-heartedly. 4 stars.
• Kathy just loves them. 5 stars.
• Naomi does claim that their outfits are a little cheeseball. Obviously she’s forgetting that she’s wearing a pink Mary Kay saleswoman’s suit. She still thinks that they are like five firecrackers. And when you’re Naomi Judd that translates into 5 stars.

Shockwave had a total of 19 stars.

Larissa starts out by telling us that she is very dedicated to dance. Her family relocated to let her pursue her dream and she is even home schooled. This makes me very sad for her. I think that can cause tremendous pressure on kids, and it just doesn’t seem normal. Let her grow up like any other kid, and THEN let her pursue her dreams. Ah, but what do I know?

As for her dancing, I do think she’s very good. She reminds me of an ice skater, doing twirls and spins. (These are the technical terms, mind you.) It didn’t blow me away though, just pretty blah. Are the judges more moved?

• Mr. Stein says that while Larissa is competent, she’s not very imaginative. I totally agree. 3 stars.
• Ahmet obviously is only watching HER, because he adores her… he means, it. 5 stars.
• Kathy thinks she had emotion in her face that matched her dance. I can see where she would be coming from, as an actor’s view. Good Point. 4 stars.
• Naomi thinks Larissa was “light as a feather.” 3 stars.

That leaves Larissa with 15 stars.

19 stars for Shockwave, and 15 for Larissa. It seems Shockwave should win pretty easily. But we can’t be sure until Arsenio hits us with his digits. 34-30, Shockwave wins. Good for them! I think they may just clog their way to the top.