Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Sexes, Episode 14: Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

It’s a good time for reality television. The Real World: Las Vegas has finally sputtered and gasped its last breath. Seriously, why did we have to endure seven moths of that? Anyway, with that gone and this show drawing to a climax, I figured I should be at peace soon. Then I heard that Kyle, the big-headed tool from Chicago, got a plum part on Days Of Our Lives, and a rumor that a major label signed Julie’s band. Now I’m ticked off all over again.

Previously on Battle of the Sexes: Shane lamented over the departures of Campus Crawl mates Rachel and Eric J. Lori reminds us that the ladies are on a losing streak. Cut to a shot of Shane with a big smile on his face, shooting Emily in Collision Course. Sweet. “It’s humiliating,” Lori continues. “We just need to win another game.” Ellen gets the instructions from the sponsor phone: wear sneakers, boots, and athletic gear. How can any of that be considered “previously” when those scenes never aired? I hate BMP editing.

Night. Quiet shots. Cut to outside one of the Villas. Nobody is out there. Perhaps I got another week off.

Oops, I spoke too soon. Party time! Everybody’s dancing. Antoine has Anne riding on his shoulders. I’m not concerned for Antoine’s health as I was when Syrus was riding him. Emily and James dance seductively. Once again: run, James! A figure with a pixilated butt shoots down a water slide. Hey… I know the hair! It’s Blair! What’s BMP trying to pull this time?

But not everybody is having a good time. Shane is in the confessional booth. I thought all the interviews were done on-site or in post-production. Anyway, Shane feels out of place. “I could care less what happens tomorrow,” he tells the camera. “If I win the damn thing, if I’m in last place, I’m still going home.”

Cut to Shane giving Melissa a foot rub. She digs it, calling him “adorable.” Colin adds that all the guys love him as well. Colin interviews that Shane has voiced his opinion on leaving. He adds, “I think Shane’s looking forward to decompressing and being around people he’s comfortable with.”

I’m guessing Shane means being around other gay people, since we cut to him chatting with Ruthie and Genesis. Good edit. Ruthie finds out that Shane is a Taurus, which is funny since her girlfriend is one as well. I never got astrology. Ruthie’s lived with her lover part-time, which is something Shane can’t imagine doing. Ruthie responds with, “Well, you’re young.” I think there’s about four years between those two. Ruthie is so not an old lady. Genesis says that she’s been with her wife for four years. Shane interviews that they talked for three hours, adding, “It was nice to know there was someone who got me and was giving me something in return.”

Van. Shots of random sites. “Oh my God,” Anne says. “What is that?” Well, it’s a net. It’s a huge net, with blow-up dolls at the top. I haven’t seen inflatable playmates since the time one played Roy to Dan’s Siegfried on Extreme Challenge. Good times. Jonny welcomes everybody to Spidermon. The objective? First, to swing from the tenth floor balcony of the Sunset Beach Resort and into the “spider web.” Then the players have to go up the net, rescue the opposite sex doll, and climb down. Fastest time wins. Once again, Melissa is not feeling the love. “I’m in a tropical paradise and you want me to drop out of a building?” she interviews. “Are you people crazy?” No, but they’re sadistic. Jonny goes on, saying that the winner gets 36 points, and the last place finisher gets 23, unless the player gets disqualified. Emily drops some exposition on us, saying that the only way to get the DQ is by dropping the doll or if the player drops off the net. Jonny adds that the winner gets pursuit kayaks for the teammates. I don’t know how that’s different from a regular kayak. Oh, and there’s the Ion Lifesaver, which can be used to save somebody from getting eliminated. But after nine missions, who’s going to put it to good (and dramatic) use?

More net shots, accompanied by tense music. Colin gets suited up. He interviews that there are people stronger and faster than him, so he has to be more competitive. He’s going up against Ellen in this round. Both get attached to a cord that’s connecting two buildings. Ellen says she’s not nervous. “There’s a big net,” she interviews. “You’re fine, you’re safe. It’s all good.” But as she hangs off the balcony, she starts to gasp. On the ground, Anne goes on about Ellen’s high-pitched squeaking. Wow, I can’t believe I forgot all the times she did that on The Quest. On the cord, Ellen admits she’s scared. On the bullhorn, Jonny counts down from ten, his voice fading out in favor of a studio-produced heartbeat.

Jonny sounds the airhorn, and Ellen and Colin swing. No, I mean, swing. Remember the time Daffy Duck was trying to be Robin Hood, shouting “Yoinks and away!” and slamming into trees? Same thing. Ellen screams on the way to the net. Colin grabs his girl doll, attaching it to his belt. He manages to finish after 52 seconds. Ellen gets tangled in the net. The other girls laugh as her doll is held between her legs. She finishes at 1:39. She interviews that the mission was a lot tougher than she figured. She voiceovers during a replay about how the doll was between her legs and she kept stepping on it. Even she has to laugh. Insert your Adam joke here.