Being Jeff Probstovich – Survivor: The Amazon, Episode 9: Out of Control

Being Jeff Probstovich is a fantasy column where soundbites from Survivor castaways are taken, warped, and misquoted into faux-interviews with the show's host, Jeff Probst.

In a season filled with plenty of shocks and surprises, no one seemed more stunned to be leaving so soon as Deena. But I knew that she was someone who understood that Survivor is just a game, a game that she had just lost. I caught up to her at the edge of the lush jungle path that lead into the Long Walk of Shame. I could tell she was irked, so, as usual, I knew that I should proceed carefully. Of course, I didn't.

Probstovich: Deena, you just got your butt kicked on national television. What you going to do now?

Deena: Since they're not a sponsor of the show, I don't think I'm going to Disneyworld.

Probstovich: You started off in the all-female Jaburu tribe. Then we had the switch, and then you end up in a merged tribe with a majority of men. What was the biggest differences between your game experience at the start and at the end?

Deena: At the start, I had to sit around and listen to women talk about their panties, and cleaning them. At the end, I had to listen to guys talk about women's panties, and getting into them.

Probstovich: Mom always said don't go out of the house without clean underwear.

Deena: On Survivor, cleanliness is a relative concept. There is no laundry detergent in the jungle.

Probstovich: From what I could tell, you were part of a five-person alliance, which you controlled, and yet you were voted out 6-2, one of those two votes being your own. Why did your allies turn on you?

Deena: The game was mine! But it all came down to one grubby little bug, spawned from the pit of hell. There was just no way I could have opened my mouth and eaten that thing.

Probstovich: But really, who do you think led the mutiny against you? Do you think it was Rob?

Deena: Well, he turned out to be a grubby little bug too. Rob is what you call a fair-weather friend. In case you haven't noticed, the weather out here in the jungle is anything but fair.

Probstovich: You seemed so confident out there. Is there anything more you could have done to stay on longer?

Deena: My panties were on fire. I was in complete control of the game. Everyone was still with me, so why even try?

Probstovich: Did it ever occur to you to, I don't know, strip, like Jenna and Heidi did for cola and cookies, as a way to shield yourself from votes by the men in the tribe?

At this point, Deena balled up her fists and looked about ready to take a swing at your host.

Deena: [CENSORED]

Probstovich: Okay, sorry about that, Deena. Obviously, as a mother of young children, that probably wouldn't be the best image to put out there. Speaking of children, did you really fit in with the younger castaways or was there a generation and maturity gap there?

Deena: Jeff, honestly, I didn't fit it with the younger crowd, but I thought I could manipulate them easier. Unfortunately, my strategy was sidetracked by one of Nature's greatest forces: younger guys and their desperate dreams of hooking-up with the younger women.

Probstovich: Well, at least their panties are clean.

Deena: But what about the guys? Do they get a free pass in the laundry department?

Probstovich: You cut the guys no slack. In fact, you made it pretty obvious that you wanted to move the women ahead in the game.

Deena: I am Deena, hear me roar.

Probstovich: When you began targeting men for this last tribal council, you went after Alex, even though he was in your alliance. Besides only bringing back a measly bunch of broken cookies from the Reward Challenge, what was Alex's biggest mistake?

Deena: The mistake Alex made at the immunity challenge was to lose the immunity challenge. If the girls had played their part, Alex was supposed to be gone. Period. End of statement.

Probstovich: Well, I guess Alex could have said the same thing about you, Deena. In fact, he probably did. But I'm guessing that you're probably harboring more than a little resentment for Twigs and Sticks, I mean, Jenna and Heidi.

Deena: Jeff, I am on the jury, and as a lawyer I know how to prosecute a case. The game may be over for me, but I still have a say.

Probstovich: So you'll be out for blood on the jury?

Deena: Yes, I will, Jeff. Case closed.

Probstovich: Deena, it's time to go.

She turned and disappeared into the Amazonian darkness and out of the game forever. My weekly allotment of minutes as Jeff were up, so I was flushed out of his head once again.

I'll be back in time for another Tribal Council. Who'll be voted out next?

I'm being Jeff Probstovich.

Lawrence AG Green has been a die-hard fan of Survivor since Pagong started charbroiling island rats on Pulau Tiga. He works as a professional web developer for the company that allegedly hired Survivor: Africa winner Ethan Zohn and then subsequently let the erstwhile soccer star go before he ever started. Lawrence AG can be reached at boycaught@lagtime.com.

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