Married by America, the Finale: Playing With People’s Emotions

The final episode... at last. I was confused last week as to how this was supposed to work but thanks to helpful e-mailers I think I got it now. America didn’t vote on who gets married. Both couples walk down the aisle and either marry or don’t. If they marry, the couple who had the most call in votes gets the hundred grand, luxury car, and house if they stay together.

We see brief snippets from the couples who have gone before: Matt and Cortez, Xavier and Jennifer, Stephen and Denise. Including the infamous scene where Denise and Stephen lay in bed while she declares her fabulousness then cries as she asks him if she needs to lose 30 pounds. Won’t it be exciting to never see this again? Unless they do a reunion, in which case you know they will once again beat us over the head with Stephen’s lack of interest and Denise’s insecurity. We also find that Xavier and Jennifer didn’t fail due to lack of chemistry but that his “overt warmth and tenderness” contrasted with her “caution.” Hmmm. Think his favorable editing has anything to do with the fact that he is now dating someone who worked on the show? I wonder.

But those couples are long gone and we are left with Billie Jeanne, Tony, Kevin, and Jill. First the Billie Jeanne and Tony montage showing various clips throughout the series chronicling their intense attraction from the start to the present where Billie Jeanne’s “fearless commitment” is challenging Tony’s “conservative values.” How does one reconcile one’s conservative values with going on a show to marry a stranger for cash and prizes? The minds of reality show contestants will ever be a mystery to me. Jill and Kevin have a similar montage documenting how their “playful affection and tenderness grew into desire” and the clash of families that threatens the very core of our society. Or their relationship. Or something.

Interspersed with flashbacks is the moment the door went up and they saw the person to whom they have just become engaged. We see Jill running and Kevin biking beside her while she tells us she never expected to meet the man she would marry on a stage. Meanwhile Billie Jeanne and Tony laying out getting some sun, her finding him a cushion for his chaise while she tells us how this was meant to be.

Of course there is one last brunch with the couples and Jill acts as surprised as ever when Sean, the host, arrives. Like unless he is there she thinks she and Kevin are just on vacation with these strangers they barely see unless there is breakfast or strippers involved? Funny thing though, before Sean arrived they are all just chatting and you can’t hear what anyone is saying but apropos of nothing you get, “I’m driving, Sweetheart,” loud and clear from Jill. If that isn’t a perfect statement about their entire relationship I don’t know what is. I don’t think the editors like her either. Sean tells them how the week before their weddings is a hectic time it is also a time for soul searching. In three days they will walk down the aisle and deliver the decision that either they will say yes and marry or end their engagement. So being “three days from their wedding” is a little disingenuous but if it were forthright and accurate we would be watching the wrong show.

Billie Jeanne wonders how she will feel if Tony says no while Tony says he is torn. I begin to sense the foreshadowing and I am torn myself. I don’t want to see Billie Jeanne hurt as she is so completely genuine and vulnerable, but I think she can do much better than Tony so I hope the marriage doesn’t take place. What I want is for her to be the one to call it off. I stand behind what I have said from the beginning, that this show is a travesty with an unworkable and badly orchestrated premise. However, that doesn’t discount the fact that I fear for Billie Jeanne’s heart and what this “process” will do to it. While I don’t understand the reasoning for her signing up, she has come off as the one person in this whole mess who was emotionally honest, open, genuinely kind, and giving and I worry for her as I watch this.

After breakfast Jill heads back to the house and Kevin stays behind to take a call from his brother, Sean. The short of it is Sean is honored to be asked to be best man but given his love for Kevin and feelings about the seriousness of marriage he can’t be part of it. There wasn’t one iota of condescension in his tone. It was brotherly love and concern for Kevin. Kevin, while disappointed, respects his decision and clearly understands his reasoning. I like this family. They remind me a great deal of my family in that, yes we will support you in what makes you happy. If we try to talk you out of it and you jump off a cliff anyway we will always be there to pick up the pieces. But dammed if we’ll help you self-destruct.

He goes back to the house and Jill grills him on the phone call and he fills her in. Jill says she knows Kevin is hurt and it hurts her as well, because it is all about Jill as we know. According to Jill: Kevin’s family and friends aren’t supportive of HIM. Yes, she is interpreting their lack of support of him marrying her on this show as lack of support of him as a person. In fact it is quite the opposite. They are very supportive of him and want him to be happy and could care less about this stupid show. Then she asks, “what’s wrong with me?” Well, I don’t have the time or the energy to compile a comprehensive list so I’ll let Kevin address it in the manner in which she was asking. He says it isn’t about her personally but the circumstances. I agree, I doubt it is about Jill as a person as much as they would be wary if Kevin wanted to wed any selfish wannabe actress marrying him for exposure on a TV show.

Cut to Billie Jeanne and Tony heading to get their marriage license. As the registrar types it up Tony comments that every click of the type is another nail in his coffin. How romantic. Billie Jeanne says it’s surreal as it is just one signature away from being final.

Kevin and Jill then head in to get their license and the woman tells Jill she has pretty eyes, which causes Kevin to demand a compliment, “What about my eyes?” which cracks me up. Wish Jill could look at him and see you can be great looking and still have a sense of humor about it but I’m guessing it’s not a lesson she will be learning anytime soon. Afterwards Kevin is relieved this part of it is over and Jill says she is excited but something in the pit of her stomach is not feeling right. Either one of her implants slipped down to her tummy or she is having doubts. Oh, the drama.

They come home to an assignment to write their wedding vows. Jill tells us, “I wasn’t sure really what a wedding vow was.” Which leads me to hope that in their bridal registry she thought to ask for a dictionary. Kevin is trying to write what he wants to say to Jill and keep it from getting too long so he can remember some of it. Jill again tells us this is yet another thing she has dreamt of since she was a little girl. Perhaps if the grown up Jill took over more often she wouldn’t be so hard to watch. Never mind, she would be.