Being Jeff Probstovich – Survivor: The Amazon, Sole Survivor Predictions

Being Jeff Probstovich is a fantasy column where soundbites from Survivor castaways are taken, warped and misquoted into faux-interviews with the show's host, Jeff Probst.

I've seen them all up close and personal. I've gotten a chance to whiff their not-so-charming au naturel aromas. I've seen them compete in the challenges for rewards and immunities. I've seen them stumble for words in all of the tribal councils leading up to this moment, and since I only get 15 minutes at a time inside the wonderfully inscrutable head of host Jeff Probst, I strongly believe that now is the time for Sole Survivor predictions.

I asked each of them why they felt they deserved to win the game. Below, I report exactly what they said to my -- uh -- Jeff's face, and then I tell you where I think they should finish. Of course, these are just my opinions, but remember one thing: I've seen these players up close through Jeff’s eyes, often in their worst moments.

Matthew Von Ertfelda
Challenges Won: 2
Previous Votes: 6
Odds To Win: 15-1

Probstovich: Matthew, you've had a target on your back since Day One. You've truly 'survived' to get to this point. Why will you be the winner?

Matt: Good ol' Matteo, that's me, I’ve been the ultimate Survivor badass. I'm crazy. I have a crush on myself. I feel like God sometimes. Not only have I caught more food for the tribe than any castaway in the history of the game, but I've very cleverly avoided the chopping block on more than a handful of occasions. I am the Rasputin of Survivor. I've duped Rob into thinking that I'm a buffoon when it comes to strategy and not much of a threat, so I'll be carried to the finals on the good graces of others.

The Skinny: Studly Matteo is the ultimate Survivor tool: use and discard when the time is right and that time is now, or as soon as possible, whichever comes first (for reference: see Ted, Clarence, Dr. Sean).
Probstovich's Projected Finish: 5th Place

Jenna Morasca
Challenges Won: 2
Previous Votes: 3
Odds To Win: 12-1

Probstovich: Pretty woman, walk on by, pretty woman, tell me why you will be the winner. After all, anytime another player made moves to solidify their place in a game where only one person can win, you've called them selfish and then made countermoves to solidify your own place in the game by booting them. Do you stand on solid ground for winning the game right now, or just thin ice?

Jenna: I may have given away all of my tribe's secrets to Dave. I may have chafed when all of the guys drooled over Shawna instead of me. I may have called Deena a fat pig, as I noshed on fruit, pastries, and coffee. I may have stripped for peanut butter and Oreos, which costs what, about $3 at Safeway? I may gotten pissed off at Christy when she dared to bid for a letter from home, even after she had gotten no food and I had stuffed my face with chocolate and peanut butter again. And I may have gotten ticked off when people thought that I couldn't survive out here by myself or that I use sex as a weapon. But I've never done any of those things behind anyone's back. I have morales, after all I was a cheerleader.

The Skinny: No one, except for Heidi, really likes her.
Probstovich's Projected Finish: 4th Place