Survivor Psyche, Final Episode: Class Dismissed

The Good, The Bad, and the Unsavory

On their next to last morning in the jungle, Matt, Jenna and Rob open their tree mail to find an object with the inscription, “Step on Up.” It’s a scale, and not your high-tech American model either. No bells, whistles, or pounds if you please. Only Renaissance Man Matt can compute from kilos to pounds. Rob has lost the most weight, but came into the game packing a few extra. Matt and Jenna are awarded the honorary titles of “Skeletony and Skeletina.“ It breaks down like this:

Matt has gone from 173 to 148 – a loss of 28 pounds.

Rob has gone from 170 to 138 – a loss of 32 pounds.

Jenna has gone from 118 to 99 (What a coincidence, that’s the same number as Heidi’s IQ!) – a loss of 19 pounds.

Suddenly, Probst appears in camp, grinning like the Cheshire Cat. “What’s goin’ on?” Jenna exclaims. “I thought I was in dreamland!” And like the princess in a fairytale, she, Matt, and Rob are whisked away on a sightseeing flight over the mysterious rainforest. Schmaltzy Disneyesque music swells up, exotic jungle creatures frolic in the water, the players gush about their experiences – you get the picture.

When the magic carpet lands, Matt, Rob, and Princess Jasmine make their way by canoe to an adorable forest hut where they find many magical objects with which to adorn themselves. In a rare risqué moment, Matt holds up a beaded band and wonders if it’s a jockstrap. “It’s a little small to be a cup there, cowboy,” Jenna quips. (Does she know something we don’t?)

They all don war paint and elaborate headresses. Matt looks especially Amazon warriorish, and Jenna looks genuinely beautiful. (We mean that sincerely. Really, we do! Why don’t you believe us? She was just waiting for the opportunity, and some cosmetics, to present themselves to show her true outer beauty.)

Before they depart, Matt wonders to the camera whether it would be in his best interest to throw the challenge. He believes that Rob and Jenna would both choose him and he wouldn’t garner any negative feeling for voting off one of them.

Immunity Challenge 2: Fall From Power

It’s the classic final Survivor challenge, the balancing act. Matt, Rob, and Jenna stand barefoot on posts and must hold their headresses over their heads. Soon into the event, Matt makes good on his threat to throw the challenge and stumbles off his perch. Alex isn’t fooled and immediately looks suspicious.

Rob makes his last strategic move and blurts out, “Want to make a deal,” to Jenna. “No, no, get thee behind me,” Jenna whimpers. “My ankles are weak, etc.” But Jenna is the real serpent in the Garden of Eden here, and Rob the conniver, Rob the master of all plans from Time Immemorial to the End of All Days, falls from power into the abyss of could-have-beens.

Oh so sincerely, Jenna claims to Probst that she wants a “true competitor” next to her at the end. (What passes for naiveté is a calculated move on Jenna’s part to square off against someone who she considers to be a coaster.) When the vote is read, Rob the bona-fide player is ousted and Matt remains as her figurehead competitor.

In his final speech, Rob gamely says, “I wouldn’t change one thing. I said I wouldn’t stop smiling til they put my torch out and you know what – I’m still smiling.”

Taking Attendance

Their final day in the Amazon is a dreary one for the final two, or “horrid,” as a rain-drenched Jenna says. She and Matt amuse themselves by painting the names of their dearly departed on the trunk of a tree and reminiscing.

Ryan is first, then Janet (“Motherly”), Daniel, JoAnna (“Tough”), Jeanne (“Hard worker”), Shawna (“mmmm, Shawna”), Roger (“Everyone’s favorite!”), Dave, (“Hoo Yah!”), Deena (“Strong”), Alex (“Oh, what a good time I had with him …”), Christy (“I found Christy to be the most independent,” Matt muses. “Next!” snaps Jenna), Heidi (“I’m gonna cry…”), Butch (“My buddy!”), and Rob (“I owe him so much.”)

As a final rite of passage, Matt decides to load up their old tribal boat and send it off in a blaze of glory. Unfortunately, an overly enthusiastic Matt nearly immolates himself in the process. He’s sprinkled so much accelerant on the boat and its contents that it erupts like a firebomb.

And what’s a rite of passage without some testimonials? Jenna and Matthew focus on what they think they’ve learned and what they’ve done differently. “Don’t underestimate someone cause they’re small or skinny. I can do anything – rah, rah, etc.” Matt says that he’s very intense and that he’s learned he should kick back and enjoy life now, like spending a weekend watching TV instead of learning Swedish. (Only Matt could come up with something that Alice in Wonderlandish.)

On their canoe trip to Tribal Council, we hear words of encouragement from the ousted players. Rob begins with this overview. “The game began as a battle of the sexes and in the end it shall be as it was in the beginning – a man versus a woman. I think that both of them have played this game dishonestly and both of them claim to be honest players who have played with integrity. Loyalty is out the window at this point. I wish there was a choice “C,” none of the above, but there isn’t.” (What a load of sour grapes. It sounds like somebody’s having a hard time adjusting to the boredom of Loser Lodge.)

Christy is next. “Jenna is a very charming, very strong woman. She made it all the way go, go. Matt is a very sincere and a very generous, very caring person,” she says magnanimously.