Survivor Psyche, Final Episode: Class Dismissed

Alex cuts to the chase. “I just wanna know who’s honest enough to say it – I played the game, I came here to kick ass, I kicked ass and that’s all there was to it. You don’t like it, you should’ve played better.”

Heidi has found her soulmate. “Jenna is my number one hero. I totally completely adore her. Matt has played on honesty and value, and sorry Matt, it’s just not working for you.” (Even if Jenna faced off against Gandhi, Heidi would still vote “Jenna.” Jesus Christ? – “Jenna! “)

Butch sees it like this. “Matt has done the most for everybody, contributed most, and is the most deserving.”

Prosecutor Deena has given the two a lot of thought. “You’re dealing with two completely different personalities between Matt and Jenna. Matt was the workhorse, Jenna was the sex goddess and the two of them used their abilities to their advantage. Matt worked his way to the top, Jenna ‘played’ her way to the top.”

Dave is following Alex’s lead. “It’s amazing at Tribal Council to look at all the bull that people throw out. It isn’t friendship and honesty and integrity that’s got them to this position. It’s the fact that other people have kind of pulled them along. I think that my vote is gonna be based on the answer to my question tonight. I want them to think and give an intelligent answer and then see if they start talkin’ out of their ass again.”

When Jenna and Matt face the jury they both lay claim to the qualities of “honor and integrity” in their opening speeches. Little do they know that this is not a good tactic with this jury.

In the first question from Butch, they’re both forced to admit that they have indeed lied and connived during the game. Crafty Rob asks them why the other person doesn’t deserve to be there. Matt says that Jenna doesn’t work, and Jenna says that Matt doesn’t work at “the game.” He’s tagged along at the end of an alliance and (gasp!) doesn’t need the money, either! Alex is armed and looking for a target. “There are two words I never want to hear again,” he barks. Guess which two? “Honor and Integrity” that’s which two! Then he gets down to the question, what is their biggest regret? Jenna regrets trusting people who were not worthy of her trust, and Matt regrets supporting a young guy alliance at the beginning that “made people see me as a threat.” Matt says he was in a state of near depression for the next two weeks because of it.

Now here comes the biggest laugh of the night. Heidi’s question seems innocent enough. “I’d like to know if there’s a person more deserving who should be in your position?” Matthew states that Rob is an “amazing strategist,” etc. Jenna echoes Matt’s choice and nominates Rob for his “gameplay.” This is not going the way Heidi had figured on, so she tries again. “I just think… is that the only person?” she stutters. (Poor Heidi – so bewildered and so disappointed. Where are her kudos? Where is her well-earned pat on her peroxided head? How’s a bimbo supposed to get any recognition around here, anyway?) Probst must step in and enforce the one question per juror rule, and sends Heidi flouncing back to her seat as Rob covers his eyes in embarrassment.

Deena is next up and phrases her questions according to the testimony already given by the defendants. “What do you mean by Matt not needing the money,” she accosts Jenna. “Your statement about ‘may the best man win’ was a ‘load of hooey!’” she accuses Matt. Jenna stands her ground and says that she personally would vote on need, but Matt caves in by apologizing and says he’s not a chauvinist.

Christy asks Matt what was his reaction when he found he was competing with a deaf woman. Matt says he thought Christy was like everyone else and just had a “funky accent.” Jenna does not get off so lightly. Christy tells Jenna she thought it was “fascinating” to hear Jenna claim she had a handicap for being beautiful, and asks Jenna to explain. At first, Jenna claims she doesn’t remember saying that, but Christy is insistent and the jury nods, “Yes, Jenna you sure as hell did.” Jenna then backtracks and says she wouldn’t compare herself to Christy’s experience, she’s just a poor, skinny, misunderstood little girl who is always being misjudged by the big bad world. “I’m really tough and smart, that’s all!” Little Orphan Jenna insists. (No, Jenna, we wearily insist. It’s like Jeanne told you at the reunion. We women do not hate you for your self-proclaimed beauty – we detest you because you’re lazy, vain, vindictive, shallow, and obnoxious. If you had a shred of maturity or insight, no one would ever have to explain this to you.)

Dave asks, “What modern influential leader have you emulated in this game? Give me somebody’s name I can relate to, to understand your behavior.” (Will the real bullsh*tter, please stand up! This question is nothing but a giant smoking gun, crafted by clever Brainiac Dave to smoke out the bullsh*tters he and Alex are so vexed about. We wonder if Dave remembers the tirade he threw about his own “honesty and integrity,” when he accused Daniel of lying about catching fish.)

Matt takes the bait, throwing out Colin Powell as his role model in a long-winded dissertation. Alex reacts with shock and awe. (The Horror! The Horror!) Jenna stutters, and finally admits she doesn’t emulate modern leaders, just people she knows like her mom. (We suspect that Jenna’s actual role model is either the Hawaiian Tropic Girl or fellow RNO writer C. Brian Devinney’s choice of Miss Universe.)