The "This Game Sure Ain't Rocket Science" Award Dave Johnson Dave admitted many times that there was a lot more going on around him than he realized, which were probably his most astute moments in the game. If only he had mapped out all of tribal relationships as a series of equations, he may have stood a better chance. But on the other hand, Heidi has a higher IQ, so if she couldn't figure out the game, why would he?
The "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, But I'm From Uranus" Award Roger Sexton Roger's signature quote, in reference to the men picking off the women one-by-one was, "It just seems too good to be true." And it was. Roger saw the game in simple terms like that. But if Survivor was as simple as he envisioned, it would be a very boring game to watch.
The "I Know What Boys Like, I Know What Guys Want" Award Shawna Mitchell From the short amount of time she spent in the tribe, here are two solid facts we established about Shawna: 1) Shawna likes boys; 2) Boys like Shawna. Other than these facts, Shawna didn't really do much, if you don't count crying and wheezing. Note to casting directors: for future editions of Survivor, don't cast young people still undergoing hormonal changes.
The "I Already Have Bratty Kids At Home" Award Jeanne Hebert It was hard to shake that feeling that Jeanne was like a surrogate mom-away-from-home while she was in camp. You know what we mean: that kind of mom who's always riding you to clean up your room, rake the leaves, wash behind your ears, chop the wood, and de-maggot the manioc. Okay, maybe your mom doesn't nag about the maggots, but you get the drift.
The "Women Should Be Heard And Not Seen" Award JoAnna Ward If she wasn't chanting "Glory! Hallelujah!" loud enough to wake the heavens, she was quoting The Scriptures. And even though Joanna's fishing skills fed her tribe at a time when they were close to starvation, her short stay at Jaburu proves the notion that religion and Survivor just don't mix. Give a woman a fish, she'll eat for a day, teach her to fish, they'll vote her out at the next Tribal Council.
The "Was I There?" Award Daniel Lue Every season, there's a castaway who's remarkable achievement is that we hardly ever notice them. At least they beat out the 80,000 other people who applied for the show. We remember Daniel falling off the log during the first immunity challenge, repeatedly, but then so did Ryan. We remember him pissing off Roger, but then so did just about everyone else. We remember him drooling over Shawna, but then so did every other young, single guy in the tribe. For his keen ability to not stand out in any significant way, Daniel is this year's invisible castaway.
The "I Went To The Amazon Rain Forest And All I Got To Show For It Was A Lousy Granola Bar" Award Janet Koth Janet said it best right after she was voted off: Survivor is not an activity to choose if you're going through a mid-life crisis. Next time, try Club Med. We do have some fine parting gifts for you.
The "You Never Forget Your First One" Award Ryan Aiken Actually, we forget our first one all the time, the first one voted out that is. Who was Ryan, again?
The "Which Show Were You Watching?" Award The Entire Jury A 6-1 landslide vote against Matt, a guy who did more to heat, shelter, and feed his fellow castaways just doesn't add up. The name of the show is Survivor, and if helping people survive the elements doesn't count for much, why not have the game at tropical resort and call it "Big Brother on the Beach?"
There's plenty of other awards I could hand out, but once again, I've over-stayed my 15 minutes. Since the show is over and the champion has been crowned, it's probably best if I don't keep beating a dead horse. My time is up for this season. Time to close the book on The Amazon. The future will be in Panama's Pearl Islands and focused on the next group of castaways, 16 American men and women on the adventure of a lifetime. Hopefully, they'll live up to the high standards of unpredictability and entertainment value that the Amazon cast set this season. So goodbye for now, until Panama and the Pearl Islands.
Have a great summer. I'm being Jeff Probstovich.
Lawrence AG Green has been a die-hard fan of Survivor since Pagong started charbroiling island rats on Pulau Tiga. He works as a professional web developer for the company that allegedly hired Survivor: Africa winner Ethan Zohn and then subsequently let the erstwhile soccer star go before he ever started. Lawrence AG can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.