The Anna Nicole Show, Season 2, Episode 11: Hustling the Hustler(s)

We begin the program with the usual "joke" before the beginning credits. Anna Nicole Smith (ANS), Kimmie, and Howard are all in the usual limousine. ANS is looking at some magazine and keeps saying "EEWW." The rest of what she says is unintelligible, so the joke is completely lost on the audience.

After the opening credits, ANS tells us that she'd like to meet three people: Marilyn Monroe, Homer Simpson. and Larry Flynt. Being that the first person is dead and Homer Simpson is a cartoon character, she will have to settle on having lunch with Larry Flynt. It is apparent that even the gag-writers are getting fed-up with coming up with material for the show.

With that lame setup, we next see ANS and Flynt having a lunch in a restaurant. ANS starts off by asking Flynt if his organ still works. The remainder of the conversation continues in this vein, until at one point Flynt offers to let ANS direct a photo shoot for Hustler magazine. Just another crazy way-out coincidence, like that of so many other things that have happened this season. How does ANS continue to get so many opportunities? It's amazing. Like as if someone was setting things up for her ahead of time.

Anyway . . ..

On the way to the photo shoot, ANS comments to Kimmie and Howard about her concern if the models are nasty. At least, that is what the conversation appears to be about. It is actually impossible to make out due to ANS's mumbling and constant use of expletives (more than half of what she says is bleeped out).

We next see ANS, Howard, and Kimmie arrive at the studio. ANS sees the set, which has a western theme. She then picks out some outfits for the models to wear. Two nude women arrive and begin to pose on the set. The camera is all set up for her to shoot. The women pose together in a fairly innocent pose and ANS shoots. She continually shouts expletives to the models to look more "sexy." After hearing "C'mon, f*** the camera!" several times, the photographer turns away in obvious irritation. He says that he never talks that way to the models.

Once ANS finishes the shoot, she sits nearby and watches the professional take over. ANS soon gets very angry at the photographer, because he now gets the models to pose in much more suggestive ways. Incensed, ANS complains to Howard and Kimmie that she didn't know that she could get the models to show their butts. ANS feels that she's been "had," which is almost too much for her to bear. Soon an assistant comes by and asks what's wrong. ANS whines to her that she didn't know that she could get the models to be more "active" in the shoot. The photographer comes by to hear the grousing and reminds her that he suggested in the beginning that she should watch him shoot for a while, to see what's acceptable for the cover photo. ANS argues, and the photographer looks to Howard for assistance (thinking that Howard would be sensible and explain to ANS that she's being unreasonable) and gets none. Howard sits looking on, openly defiant, and making an embarrassing, awkward situation worse.

The photographer gives ANS another chance at directing. She gets to "direct" the shoot and he takes the photos. ANS seems OK with this arrangement. Howard, however, mentions that ANS would like to take more pictures as well. This is about all the man can take, replying that he has ten or so layouts to finish, and he doesn't have much time left to work. He walks away, leaving Howard mumbling about what he wants to call him. Guess he can't take someone not giving completely over to him and ANS. Funny that the Hustler photographer is the only person with any kind of sense and professionalism! The nude models definitely appear to have more class than ANS, too. It is interesting that ANS wouldn't even bother to remember their names. She has to be reminded of their names several times. However ANS still says things likem "One with black hair - push out your ass more." If those women don't want to punch ANS by the time the shoot is over, I'd be amazed. "One With Black Hair" refused to have cold milk poured over her, to which ANS comments that "she's dumb" and that the other girl will look so sexy with milk poured all over her.

So, following the photo shoot with the women in various poses with a jumbo pickle, ANS pours four gallons of milk on the models. ANS is particularly proud of this idea, thinking that the hot, sticky, sour, smelly milk pouring over the models head would look SOOO sexy on film (photographer guy tries to talk her out of the idea, telling her about the temperature) - in fact she thought of the idea on the way to the studio.

We end the program with ANS and Flynt looking at the proofs. Apparently ANS whined to Flynt about the "MEAN AND BOSSY" photographer, for he mentions on camera that ANS was meant to have full control of the shoot. Flynt then asks ANS if she can cook. ANS tells the camera that she likes Flynt for some reason while the camera pans to a picture of an old man, presumably of her expired husband. I'm not so sure what that was about - what is supposed to be similar in ANS's mind about the two? Wheelchair bound? Feeble? Rich old guys? Who knows - whatever the joke is supposed to be, it's too lame to try to figure out.

Again, as in the past, this episode reveals to us that ANS absolutely must be in control and cannot tolerate anyone else giving her suggestions or guidance. She feels "outdone" by the photographer and sits around grousing until she can get her way. It was amazing that a grown adult can get so angry over the fact that she could not make nude models spank each other's butts.

No one could write this material. This cannot be some gem of an idea from the producers of the show. This is ANS as her true self, showing the audience how pathetic she really is. Simply incredible. I think that ANS is upset the photographer did not bow down and worship her like she expects everyone else to do. I must also mention that Howard looks exceptionally creepy wearing his black Hustler T-shirt. His behavior towards the photographer was very unprofessional, seeming to enjoy being as combative and uncooperative as ANS. He is pretty much the least likeable character of the series, which is full of detestable characters. (I'm not including Flynt or his employees here - they actually come across as very professional!)

Only two more episodes of this train wreck to go. Chin up, everyone, it's almost over!

You can e-mail Jill about this column at justabob@iglou.com. Be sure to look for her husband Dale's book, The Urban Legends of Rock and Roll: You Never Can Tell, which is available now! You can click here to order that one and any of Dale's other books.

Be sure to sign up for our e-mail update so you can stay informed about new articles on the site! And take a look at the rest of the site. You can find all of our ANS articles at the Anna Nicole Smith page and take a look at our sections on The Family and The Osbournes. You can even buy reality show stuff at our Reality TV Store!

For more news about reality TV, be sure to check out SirLinksALot!