American Idol 2, May 19's Final Two Show: Gonzo and the Turkey Sandwich

It's the night before the final performances. What better time to get inside the final two who are on the lips of everyone in America! Ryan gets awakened by a production assistant who tells him he has three shows to do this week. He springs to action, dressed, hair perfect, and holding a microphone - "I can do this!" he exclaims.

"They are paying you!" I exclaim. And on with the show. Ooo-whoa-ooo-whoa-ooo!

Ryan compares it Ali/Foreman, Bush/Gore, Harding/Kerrigan and so on, it's Ruben/Clay! The winner gets a million dollar recording contract and instant celebrity. The loser gets nada. (Not true, we all know that Clay, Ruben, and Kimberley will get contracts no matter what happens tomorrow!)

Ryan introduces the judges for a little pow-wow about all that has happened. We see the evolution of the judges. Since Season One, Paula has been the supportive one. Nothing has changed but her hairdo and wardrobe. (Actually, Paula has been a bit tougher.) Randy was the laid back judge who apparently has "spent too much time with Simon." (Randy has always been fair, this year he was a bit harsher in his criticism, but I still think he is the most constructive of the three.) Simon was evil and remains so. (If Simon doesn't like it, he doesn't like and he doesn't have to tell you why. That is a problem in my opinion.)

Ryan asks Simon if he likes being in the spotlight. Simon says he can't take Ryan's questions seriously considering who they are coming from. (A good point.) Ryan whips out a Simon bobble-head doll. Randy and Paula sarcastically chide that Simon doesn't want the attention, nooooo. Simon deadpans that he had the dolls made because he "wanted to give something to the children." Something besides nightmares?

In the audience are Hayley and those two dudes left from Mr. Personality, Will and Chris, still in their masks. Ryan asks her who's it going to be, and she looks like she was caught with pot in her purse. Did she not see this coming? Ryan bails her out, and says he means Clay or Ruben. She babbles something about wanting to see them perform with masks on. Whatever.

Ryan says even celebrities have an opinion about who the American Idol will be (since Hayley couldn't scratch one up): Amanda Bynes (she is everywhere all of a sudden! Who is her agent??) says Ruben. Jamie Kennedy says Ruben. Lisa Ann Walter says Clay. Frankie Muniz says his girlfriend loves Clay, so he's rooting for Clay (Frankie isn't old enough to be that whipped. He can't have an opinion of his own? He's doomed to be sucked dry by some fly trap like Kirsten from The Bachelor and he'll be sitting next to Hammer on Surreal Life 5, mark my words!). Shannon Elizabeth says she thinks it will be Ruben.

What's that sound? It's the huddled masses known as Clay Nation, buzzing that Ruben got three celebrity votes and Clay only got two! Further evidence of the Mass Media Conspiracy to deny Clay his rightful place as the American Idol! Pant. Pant. You should see the email I get.

Next, we revisit with the American Idol finalists, with Vanessa, without Josh! Or Corey. Ryan explains that Josh is back on duty, but no explanation of Vanessa's sudden reappearance when American Idol shut her off the single, album, and tour. Whatever the reason, she looks glad to be back. They perform "What the World Needs Now."

All but Clay, Ruben, and Kimberley head back to the couch. Charles says his life hasn't returned to normal yet, and he doesn't want it to. Their dreams are starting to come true. Kimberly is doing FOX Sports, though she says she knows nothing about sports (if you ever watched FOX sports, they have the hottest collection of, ahem, sport anchors doing updates I've ever seen. Eye candy? Nooooo! ). Simon interjects that Ryan is doing the show, but he knows nothing about music! (Ryan is a disc jockey by day. Thought I'd mention that.) Vanessa says she holds no grudge about what Simon said about her butt, he's a "sweet little man." Carmen will be opening for Dave Matthews in the summer. Trenyce is excited about the tour (she had more to say, probably about how she truly loves me and not Phil Kural, but Ryan cut her off. Tool.). Rickey says the tour will be "bananas, dawg" (translation: very exciting). He also says it's gonna be "crunched up" (translation: very hectic, 40 cities in 55 days).

Let's welcome back Kimberley Locke! Ryan asks what happened right after the show. (She went to her dressing room, busted a mirror, collapsed to her knees and screamed to the lord above that he has forsaken her?) She said it was all very emotional. Ryan asks who does she think will win? (Is he asking inane questions on purpose or is he deviating from the script?) Kim gives a deft political answer worthy of a presidential campaign. She must know what Clay Nation will do to her if she dares to say Ruben.

Speaking of Ruben, let's watch his journey. We do. Ruben talks about going home, seeing his band, friends, former teachers. Ryan says they gave Ruben's brother, Kevin, a quiz about Ruben.

1. What kind of food won't Ruben eat?

a) sushi

b) pesto

c) what kind of question is that?