America’s Next Top Model, Episode 1: More Than Just Pretty Faces?

Robin tells us pageantry put her through school and she seems to think this dispels the myth of beauty pageant contestants being stupid. This presupposes two things: that most people think pageant participants are not very bright and that having a college degree is a sign of intelligence. Do people really think in such narrow terms? I have known plenty of intelligent women who happen to be gorgeous (including some with pageant titles) as well of plenty of people with college educations who can’t think their way out of a paper bag.

Shannon is asked if she has always been religious and she says she has. She was saved at about ten but has grown stronger in her faith over the years because “practice makes perfect.” Oh. So you can practice to be a perfect Christian? I didn’t know it worked that way. Shades of JoAnna from the Amazon and it isn’t soothing me. And she tells us how she is a virgin but can’t wait to have sex on her wedding day. I think it’s as unseemly to talk about the sex you aren’t having as the sex that you are, but that’s just me.

At the hotel Shannon says it’s like one big slumber party while Elyse is surprised no one is bitchy. Guess she wasn’t treated to Justine’s musings. Natalie said she wasn’t invited to the party and hasn’t clicked with anyone. That’s so sad. Justine says she’s “sitting back watching all these chicks annoying everybody and I feel like they’re pushing me out.” She is very sullen like it occurred to her for the first time ever that other people exist and may stand in her way. Maybe instead of the affirmations she has down pat she should have looked up the definition of the word “competition”? That might have served her better.

All the girls are called together to hear who made the cut. They were shooting for 10 girls but Tyra and the producers could only agree on eight. Wow. So if you didn’t make the cut you have to live with the fact they would rather have two slots left empty rather than choose you. That’s gotta hurt. Actually as it plays out later I think they planned on picking eight all along and the other two later to mix up the dynamic, but who am I to soothe the emotional rejection of wannabe models? I don’t have that kinda time.

So who makes the cut? Nicole, Robin, Kesse, Elyse, Katie, Ebony, Adrienne (who makes the Warrant high sign, cracking me up – we have our gritty rocker girl folks. I can recognize one of my own people in any crowd.), and Shannon. The producers fought tooth and nail over this. They are in the beauty business, shouldn’t they be protecting their pretty teeth and manicures? Oh, perhaps it was a figure of speech. Never mind.

Justine is crying and just wants to go. Please do, I enjoyed seeing your story arc crash and burn so brilliantly and quickly. Kudos to the editing team. Natalie is feeling crushed. So many people look up to her and she wanted this so badly to show them she could succeed. There are many people who consider themselves successful who have never gone on a modeling game show. Just a thought. Adrienne feels like throwing up. Apparently she’s familiar enough with reality TV to know what she just got herself into.

The finalists head off to New York to get the keys to their deluxe penthouse apartment in the sky. Ebony is from the Bronx but everyone else is in awe and wonder at the glories of the Big Apple. We get a lot of “aww shucks, I’m just a small town girl” from a few of them. They seem to think that is winsome. It’s really not. Someone comments about the apartment’s feng shui, which you can’t tell from plopping down on a bed, by the way. Each of the rooms is decorated in a distinct style of a specific locale. Paris, Tokyo, Milan, London, Miami.

Elyse, Nicole, and Katie are sharing a room, as are Kesse, Robin, and Shannon who are bonded by their shared faith. Yet they call it the diva room. I had no idea Jesus was so pro-diva, guess we can blame him for the horror show over at VH-1 that keeps putting Mariah Carey onstage.

Shannon tells us that she is saving herself for marriage. Again. In case we missed it the first time and we are desperately craving information about her virtue. I don’t know about you but I wasn’t

Adrienne is last to choose a bedroom, claiming the one no one else wanted. Calling it the effing room further solidifying her particular stereotype as the gritty one. Elyse notes that the Christians all room together and she sees a separation developing between those who do and do not need quiet time to study their bibles. In other news, the girls discover it isn’t storage under their beds but they are in fact trundle beds. They think it is for their boyfriends to have a place to sleep when they visit. How considerate that would be and how very wrong that assumption is.

Tyra is back and tells the girls that while they chose those eight she likes round numbers so they did another search and found two more girls. This news isn’t greeted with happiness. Just messed with their odds when she introduces Giselle and Tessa. Giselle, we are told, has a strong personality and it is important that she is a Latina. No, I don’t know why. Tessa, we learn, has a look that is an exotic twist on the typical blonde. I don’t know what that means either. I don’t think I’m smart enough to recap this show. Tessa says she could feel the other girls looking her up and down and checking her out and she didn’t like it. Wow, if it will bother you to be scrutinized and judged, do you think you should be entering a competition based on you being scrutinized and judged?

This is why I don’t think they had any intention of choosing 10 girls from the batch of 20 we met in L.A. Introducing Giselle and Tessa after they had settled into their rooms and checked out the competition threw everyone off their game and left them with the trundle beds by default. Good thing because you can’t have enough conflict with this particular group of women.

Tyra tells the women that they will be undergoing lots of tests while they learn media training, speaking instruction, and various other skills. Once a week they will be evaluated with one contestant being eliminated. The winner will walk away with a Revlon contract, a layout in Marie Claire, and representation by Wilhelmina Models. This is cause for much applause as is almost everything Tyra says.