America’s Next Top Model, Episode 1: More Than Just Pretty Faces?

Giselle says she and Katie have a similar look while Tessa is jealous of Nicole’s beauty. Giselle and Tessa get the “bunk beds.” Uh, no. I’m no interior designer but bunk beds tend to be one on top of the other and trundle beds pull out for sleeping and slide under the main bed during the day to save space.

Adrienne and Tessa are each glad to have found a smoking buddy in each other as they find a little corner to light up. Can we all see what’s coming? Smoking in a apartment you share with eight other people all of whom are non-smokers is not a good idea. Robin comes out to lecture them pointing out that she doesn’t care if they want to kill themselves but she doesn’t want the smell in her clothes. You can see why she is so proud of her religion, what a kind thing to say. Couldn’t she just ask them not to smoke without climbing on the self-righteous soapbox?

Oh look! Company! The first of two visitors is John Sherman, their personal trainer, and he is taking a height/weight record of each of the girls so they can see the change in themselves over time. If their heights change maybe that means they will be punished for indiscretions by being stretched on the rack. That would certainly make this show worth watching.

The girls feel bad for Robin as the only “plus sized” model among them. They are so sympathetic to her plight of how very hard it must be to have to live with so many skinny women. Yes, everyone in the world is jealous of you all... and the only reason anyone could have for not liking you is your perfect bodies and great looks. You know how older women are and after all Robin is all of 26. There are too many Heidis in this world. Robin in turn thinks Elyse is too thin and sickly.

Can everyone take a deep breath and stop judging for one moment? Didn’t think so.

The next visitor comes to give everyone bikini waxes. What a treat! Some of the women are freaked out and afraid and there is a lot of whining. Honestly, I know it isn’t the most pleasant sensation in the world but the drama over the pain was a little much. If it were me I would be more upset about the camera catching me with panties off, legs in the air as total strangers smeared hot wax over my nether region. Robin and Giselle are the most upset. Giselle has always told everyone she would never get a bikini wax. She states it emphatically like it is a campaign promise she is forced to break. Robin says no one has ever been “down there” except herself and her gynecologist and she gives him a hard time. Well, how dare he try to examine her there even though that’s what she pays him for. In the end everyone complies. What brave little soldiers.

They get Tyra-mail (how precious is that?) and are told they have a swimsuit photo shoot in the morning. They are to meet in the lobby at 7 am but some of the girls don’t make it in time and are upset the others didn’t wait for them. Why would they wait? The worse others look the more points you get by default. Also, as we soon learn, the girls who aren’t late get into hair and make-up first. Tyra lectures Robin, Kesse, Shannon, and Ebony on their tardiness, explaining that photo shoots cost thousands of dollars and time is money. She looks as stern as a supermodel/executive producer can look.

The photographer is Douglas Bizarro and his assistant is Elizabeth Moss. He explains to the women that swimwear is shot the season before so this is the time to do it. He doesn’t explain why they have to shoot outside in a New York winter rather than indoors with heat, but we can’t be privy to everything.

Tyra gives a little modeling lesson and this is what we learn. People think the more they move the sexier they will come off but it is really all about the face. You don’t want to give “dead eye” you always want to be thinking about something. Modeling is like acting in a silent movie. And award for lamest analogy goes to... Miss Banks.

We are told it is 8 degrees with the wind-chill. They are up on a rooftop in bikinis and it’s 8 degrees. I laughed, I couldn’t help it. The photographer and his assistant give us a play-by-play on how the girls are doing and the girls are not shy about opining on each other as well. Nicole is a good listener and follows direction well, Tessa was taught to model the wrong way, Robin is more modest due to being the only plus sized model and of course her age is a factor since she’s 26 or (gasp!) 27. Ah, the things that can come out of an 18-year-old’s mouth. Elyse has no body fat at all and can’t handle the cold. She is trying to follow directions while sucking back snot (now that’s sexy!) but can’t handle it and started to cry. Giselle does a great job, Ebony doesn’t even look cold. She is beautiful but doesn’t do anything spectacular. Who wants a job where you can be criticized for not being spectacular? Katie was one of the most difficult ones, she was trying too hard, like she was posing for Playboy and not a fashion shoot. She thinks it went great, however. Shannon quotes the bible and tells us through Jesus all things are possible. I am learning so much about Jesus tonight. I, too, know that verse and it actually gave me quite a bit of comfort during some difficult times in my life. I just always thought it was intended to provide strength through life’s real trials and not to help you stand on a roof in a bikini in 8-degree temps. In addition, there is an old saying that the Lord helps those who help themselves, and I think Jesus would have wanted one of you to pipe up and refuse until it was moved inside. The photographer says he doesn’t have time to teach a model how to model. Kesse is nice and easy to shoot, Giselle does a great job and you can tell she has practiced before the mirror.