Mr. Personality, The Finale: Rose Petals and Role Reversals

After weeks of watching as two by two all other contenders fell by the wayside, we are down to the final two masked suitors. Hayley must make her final decision between Chris, the mind control Svengali in the green mask, and Will, the silver masked neurotic moneybags. When it all came down to the wire, Hayley finally chose

Oh no. It’s not that easy. If you didn’t tune in and are relying on this recap to reveal the answers you only have yourself to blame. You are sentenced to read every word of this article before you learn the answer. Do NOT touch that scroll button. Do NOT jump to the last page. Do not pass Go or collect $200. We here at RNO, in close cooperation with Fox Broadcasting, have embedded this column with a deadly code string and bad luck will befall anyone who fails to read every word of it. A Mrs. Jones of Fabricated, New Mexico, scrolled ahead defiantly ignoring this warning and three days later she accidentally left her new red blouse in her washing machine when she did a load of whites. The next day her husband was the laughing stock of the country club locker room as he changed out of his pretty pink britches. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

Our show begins with overnight dates. Hayley will get to spend the night in an exotic locale with first Chris, and then Will. Hayley and Chris get to have some fun in Las Vegas and for the first time since the series began, we get to see just a glimpse of what the real Chris might be like without the mind games. The couple is herded into the showroom of a casino for a private show and Chris jumps up on the stage and in a so-bad-it’s-good Jim Carrey voice yells, “Oooooo somebody stop me!” I really hope he thought of it himself because it’s an almost redeeming moment for the show’s number one conniver. As the show progresses though, one can’t help but wonder if the producers might be guilty of a bit of manipulation themselves because some of the things that happen are just a little too convenient.

We cut back to Will who, in what will be no surprise to anyone who has followed the series, is fretting and brooding. He finds Chris’ sketchbook/journal, which is by some strange coincidence was left right out in the open with all its nasty secrets just waiting to be discovered. Looking through it, Will finds his own name. Did Chris say Will was a nice guy? A dirt-bag? An unpatriotic sleazeball who is secretly the love child of Saddam Hussein and Natalie Maines? We’ll never know for sure, but whatever it says in the journal drives Will to rage. “When I saw my name in it,” he swears, “it became personal!”

In Las Vegas, Chris is about to experience some anxiety of his own. Over dinner he commits a major faux pas and Hayley all but pounces on it. He says, “I plan to play this game…” and Hayley quickly interrupts him.

“This is not a game,”

There is a pause so pregnant that the birth of triplets wouldn’t have been a surprise.

“I mean the game of life itself…” he stammers, as he looks out from the corner he has just painted himself into. “It’s all the other guys that have been talking about this being a game and I told them that if they were going to look at it like that they might as well quit now.” Hayley looks as if she expects Chris’ nose to grow and knock her off her chair. He then gives her a book of life affirmations. She randomly opens a page and begins to read. Chris says, “I can’t believe it. I was going to read that very passage to you!” He then goes on to complete the passage with some liberal paraphrasing. Hayley is astonished. “Is this a card trick? How did you know? Are the pages marked or something?” Oh Hayley, so close to realizing the truth and yet so far!

They spend the night together, but it is far less lascivious than the sleepovers we’ve come to expect on such shows and not even close to matching the lusty pedigree of the program’s hostess. It’s possible that the show’s budget for latex got spent entirely on the masks. Nonetheless, Hayley tells us that, “Last night with Chris was awesome!”

Now, after a night of restless tossing and turning, Will gets his chance. Hayley is obviously going to have a hard time with her choice. “I forgot all about Chris the moment I saw Will,” she tells us. The couple heads to the Grand Canyon and is soon sharing champagne and fruit on the river. Then it’s off to a posh resort and snuggling by the fire. Will takes a risky plunge…

“I’ve found the first girl in my life that I can feel my heartbeat when I’m around,” he begins. He then tells her that he’s admired and agreed with her judgments and decisions until the most recent elimination. When she presses for details he starts getting nervous. Too late to back out now man! “You kept someone you shouldn’t have kept,” he finally admits. There are little rules in life that all must learn and obey or accept the nasty consequences. If you spit into the wind you will get wet. If you insult Clay Aiken in a public forum you will get bombarded with letters from the Clay Nation. Even more importantly, if you drop obscure hints around anyone they will either make you cough up the facts or pummel you until you look like month-old meat. “You mean Chris?” says Hayley, stating the obvious only so she can circle in for the kill. Will finally realizes that he’s going to have to give up something tangible and says, “I found my name in his journal.” My God man, just pick up a knife and open a vein. It’ll be a whole lot quicker. This is like watching a man commit suicide by a million self-administered paper cuts. You know what she said next. Hell, even my dog could have predicted this.

This is too painful to recount. He dances and shuffles like Gene Kelly in an earthquake and swears to God that the journal was just lying there open and whispering to him, “read me. It’s okay, Chris wants you to read me!” (Okay, he doesn’t go quite that far, but he comes mighty close.) The one thing he fails to do is tell her about the hypnotism and mind control techniques that Chris has been using throughout the previous weeks. You can’t stick a needle into a balloon slowly, Will. Either pop the thing entirely or don’t take the stab in the first place. The net result is that he comes across as a jealous and sniveling boob.