The Anna Nicole Show, Season 2, Episode 12: Galloping Towards the End

This week we see Anna Nicole (ANS) and her entourage go to Louisville, Kentucky, to attend the 2003 Kentucky Derby. Sounds like a nice time, right? Not so fast there. The show must begin with ANS talking to the camera. This is followed by several excerpts (from previous episodes, which go on for what seems to be an eternity) of ANS verbally kicking Howard around. Following these snippets, ANS tells us how "indispensable" Howard is. I suppose it's her way to show all the women in the world that at least ONE woman can kick her man around. See, it's a joke, but we are supposed to cheer her on - "You Go Girl! You kick that dude's ass! ... Yeah, that's right! … Make him lick your shoe!" -- when watching this. Is it assumed that all women secretly yearn to kick some man's ass? Perhaps that's the intention of this intro, but most probably I'm putting too much thought and energy in analyzing this.

After this charming introduction we next see everyone in the usual limousine. And we again see ANS at what she does best, screaming at Howard. What did poor Howard do this time? For starters, ANS asked for photos of what women usually wear to the Derby. Both Kimmie and Howard tell her that they tried to find some photos on the internet but didn't have any luck finding anything. ANS now begins to scream at Howard, which goes on and on and on. Howard tells the audience at this point that he's a lawyer, and that he can normally argue quite well. However, if he gets into a "tiff" with ANS, it's difficult to "get out." At this point, we see ANS yelling at Howard some more. This is so irritating that if I had a brick handy, I would fling it into the TV screen. Anything to shut that woman up (I could have simply turned the channel, but I have this review to write!). I can't imagine meeting a more hateful and spiteful person in real life. Kimmie just looks out the window and seems to attempt to block out the scene going on around her. Daniel, meanwhile, covers up his head and tries to hide from the cameras.

ANS then has her chance to tell her side to us. When referring to finding photos of the Derby, she says, "Is that so hard? Geez!" Sorry, Anna. Maybe that's supposed to be a joke, but you just look more pathetic every time you open your mouth. Howard, you probably are quite competent arguing your case with others. But remember that you usually have to converse or argue with people who happen to have a bit of intelligence and maturity. When arguing with ANS, it's like trying to reason with a spoiled toddler (she's mean-spirited, and has the intellect of a walnut - a dangerous combination!). This is why it is so exasperating to fight with someone like this.

The next few minutes deal with Howard and Kimmie getting what appears to be a drunken ANS to the Derby. At least she appears that way in the car. Maybe someone slipped her something so she wouldn't be able to kick and scream about finding a hat for the Derby during the flight. Next, ANS is shown on the plane trying to be amusing for us. She is reading from a book of "lawyer jokes," trying to kid around with Howard. It's her way to be friendly, while being "fun" for the camera. Howard is a good sport about it but admits that this gets pretty old. Hey, Howard's been reading the mail we've gotten about the show. ANS then says that he's a "tight ass," then commences with some kind of shaking, humping kind activity with Howard. You cannot tell what she is doing, and all of this is going on in the aisle of the plane by the pilots. Fortunately the plane has already landed or else there may have been a suicide dive at some point during the flight.

Our next scene is presumably at some hotel in Louisville. ANS is getting dressed for the Kentucky Derby. Whoops!! ANS "accidentally" drops her lipstick into the toilet. Gosh, don't you hate it when that happens? ANS promptly calls for Howard, who dutifully rolls up his sleeve and retrieves it for her (like she would actually use it again). Once this is done, we are treated to another (and it won't be the last) screaming fit from ANS. Howard must break the sad news that Sugar Pie cannot come to the Derby. Howard is dreading telling her this, for he knows how ANS will take it. Sure enough, she has a tantrum. "I take Sugar Pie everywhere!" Howard tries to tell her that it is not his decision, but the mandate of the management of the Derby. They will get kicked out if they try to sneak in the dog. "Tell the director to shove it up his ass!" she replies. Soon she seems to have run out of things to scream, so she starts shouting, "Fix it, Howard! Just fix it!" This fit seems to go on for another eternity.

The audience gets a break from all of this pathetic action when the show goes to commercial. When we return to the adventure, ANS is guided by security to her seat in "Millionaire's Row" at the Derby, the fancy expensive seating for rich people and stars. She probably would have been happier in the infield, where she could rip off her clothes and get smashed, but that's the price of fame. At first it looks like ANS is sneaking Sugar Pie under her arm (it looks like she has a cast on her arm, although it disappears after the one shot) for this would be something she would try. Actually, if she didn't try it, this would be one of the very few times that ANS would actually concede to someone else's will. ANS and Howard cheer on the horses at the race. I actually thought that if she loses her bet, she'd scream "FIX IT!" to Howard. I was waiting for this, but it didn't happen because she won her bet. Well, I guess some people are just good at judging horse flesh.