The Anna Nicole Show, Season 2, Episode 13: Shelly Returns

Okay, this is the last episode of the second season and we're anxious to get it over with. So are some of the readers out there, from what they tell us. Actually, although the letter-writing has been less this season than last, we have gotten a majority of letters thanking us for reviewing the show so they don't have to bother watching it themselves. Lucky stiffs. So let's get to the shortest recap you've ever seen!

Episode 13 starts with ANS's cousin, Shelly (from the first season) arriving at the house. ANS and Howard spy on her through the door. See ANS spy. Spy, ANS, spy.

ANS goes out to confront Shelly about the documentary made about ANS. Yell, yell, yell, snap, snap, snap, whine, whine, whine. Shelly pouts. So does ANS. ANS goes back inside and is upset. Howard gets upset with her. Kimmie just looks like normal this season and is naturally upset and miserable.

ANS has a change of heart and takes Shelly out for a makeover. Money is no object, and she can go wherever she wants. Shelly is turned into some type of Frankenstein Monster by ANS and looks worse than before. Why does she look so bad? She got her hair dyed cobalt blue! What Shelly really needs is a new set of teeth, not a ridiculous hair cut. To be fair, it was mentioned in the first season that ANS had already bought Shelly a set of teeth. Shelly must have lost the teeth or didn't take care of them, for she doesn't have any now. Anyhow, after she had her hair done, ANS takes her to a posh dress shop and buys her a formal gown. Once this is done, they go mud-wrestling at some bar. The end.

Exciting way to end the second season, isn't it? Oooh, I bet people are on the edge of their seats just waiting to know how this cliffhanger will end in the third season. That's right, it's been suggested recently to us by someone connected to the show that ANS will be back for a third season.

Why? It's hard to say for sure. The ratings have been terrible this season, falling to the point of being under a million viewers a week at best many times. Fans who defended the series during the first season have also taken an about-face on their opinion of the show - at least from the emails we have gotten this season where readers wanted to let us know that they realized now how horrible and miserable everyone on the show looks and acts. That had a lot to do with the overly scripted nature of the second season, which pushed ANS into situations where she was scripted to react in typical hateful, tyrannical, foul-mouthed fashion. Somehow it stopped being amusing for some viewers when you could see the strings being pulled, but that just means they joined the long list of viewers who never found the show amusing in the first place.

Speaking of readers writing in, the question many had, both pro and con, was the following: Why bother reviewing the show in the first place (especially if you don't like the people on the show)? The answer is that both Jill and I made a commitment to review the show when no one else wanted to go through the hassle of reviewing it. In fact, many sites that were reviewing the show the first season gave up on it rather quickly with the second. Thus, we decided to follow through with our commitment for the readers. During that time we tried to find positive things in the show to discuss. We looked for things that made the show worth watching - something about the people or the situations that was memorable - but such moments rarely came about. Instead, the show seemed merely a forum for ANS to screech and heap abuse on everyone around her, while everyone miserably stood by and let her do what she wanted.

A couple of readers have suggested that this was the "humorous" point of the show: ANS was just playing a character and everyone was in on it. While it is hard to believe, even if that was the case, it doesn't forgive the fact that the show was a repetitious pile of muck that rarely got past that position. Take a look at the plots of nearly every episode this season. ANS goes on a fishing-trip, throws a tantrum, and screams at everyone. ANS goes to the Kentucky Derby, throws a tantrum, and screams at everyone. ANS goes to a Hustler photo-shoot, throws a tantrum, and screams at everyone. ANS goes on a date, throws a tantrum and walks out on her date. Okay, a slight difference with that last one, but you get the idea.

Only the episodes where ANS was attempting to restart her acting career and her gallery showing had anything that approached being interesting. Then again, these were episodes that focused on ANS as a human being instead of as a screeching banshee who made everyone angry and depressed (including the viewers, from what readers have told us). Now if the show was really about "taking the audience out of their hum-drum lives for 21 minutes a week," why did we get mail from people telling us that they would get so depressed after watching an episode of ANS yelling at her servants that they would be in tears? That's hardly entertainment.

And if, as the argument goes, ANS and the others don't care if people laugh with them or at them, just as long as they're laughing, then how come no one is laughing?

But that's all for naught now. The final episode of the season has aired and we are out of here and into the fresh air of reality, never having to worry about watching the producers contrive another stale premise for ANS to wander into aimlessly and yell for a "humorous 21 minutes each week." Maybe E! still believes the ratings are worth a last gasp of a third season, but we'll let someone else suffer through it when the time comes.

Thanks to all the readers that wrote with their positive responses to the articles! Reading your views made this worth the trouble. See you around, as Dale will be reviewing the new series, Last Comic Standing, and also will be returning to review the final season of The Osbournes. Until then, keep safe!

You can e-mail Dale and Jill about this column at justabob@iglou.com. Be sure to look for Dale's book, The Urban Legends of Rock and Roll: You Never Can Tell, which is available now! You can click here to order that one and any of Dale's other books.

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