Reality Hit List, June 9: Blocked Entrances and Defaced Paintings

Paige can talk to the trashman outside, and then she can talk to the president of Wal-Mart! Why on earth would she want to? No one ever approaches Christina or asks her out, and she doesn’t know what’s wrong with her! Besides being on this show, all I can figure out is that she’s the spitting image of Kelly Clarkson and maybe guys think she is her and are intimidated. Melanie’s been proposed to five times and none of them have worked out, and is setting herself up to fail in public this time because she’s a masochist – er, "ready for the sixth engagement!" Thirty-four year old Laura thinks these silly little girls need to be put in their place and she’s just the woman to do it! Why, she’s had experience they’ll never have! Yeah, but apparently that experience doesn’t bring with it the wisdom to steer clear of claptrap like this, so get off the high horse, Pallas Athena. Catherine doesn’t think that being catty or trying to tear someone else down makes you a better person. No, but it does usually guarantee you some airtime, at least. Kelly doesn’t so much say anything about herself as rattle off a pretentious itinerary that includes ballet, the Hamptons, and Europe. She leads an extremely busy life, she sniffs. Well, I know I’m thrilled she’s made time for this in her day planner; aren’t you? Cristy (yes, another one) is an artist who feels that as an artist, you’re constantly finding unique and unconventional approaches to life. Hey, whatever you have to say to justify this to yourself. Finally, Kirstin is a Midwestern girl who’ll take beer over champagne any day! Apparently she missed the memo that Joe Millionaire is so February.

So they arrive at the mansion and it’s in Bel Air and here’s the requisite oohing and aahing and squealing and yakking and gee, I’ve never seen this before. Then they meet stock reality host #36, who’s identified as "Jordan Murphy" and who I’ve never heard of before and most likely won’t again. I am embarrassed to admit that I find him kind of attractive in a smarmy, cheesy sort of way, though. "Hi, my name is Brian and I’m attracted to a cheesy reality TV show host." "Hi, Brian!" OK, I feel better.

OK, Jordan, you’re cute and all, but really, you can lay off the minute-plus pauses for suspense. Seriously – almost every time he has to say something "important" you could drive a truck through those things! To entertain myself, I’ve created a game in which I finish his sentence for him while he’s stalling. "You traveled across the country to meet the man of your dreams. Well... [that’s what we WANTED you to think! It’s all a big hoax and now you’re going to be a mass sacrifice to almighty Isis! Jeeves! Start the incinerator!] we found you a guy." "One of you is... [a delusional famewhore under the misguided belief that this show will somehow jumpstart a nonexistent entertainment career] a millionaire!" "Tomorrow, five of you... [will be taken out back and drawn and quartered] will be eliminated!"

Kelly and Artist Cristy team up and you can already tell they’re going to be the bad girls. When they walk around the mansion you feel like they need a good "bad girl" theme, like, "ba-DA ba-DA!" playing in the background or something, but since this show has zilch creativity or originality, we don’t get that. Kelly starts namedropping over luggage. No, really. She does. "Someone’s got Cruise Control in garnet!" Pardon my ignorance, but are people really that particular over luggage?! I mean, I’m not proud – I’ll get the cheap stuff on 14th Street as long as it’s functional. There are some things I’m particular about, but luggage is not one of them. Kelly, by the way, is really reminding me of Chiara from Big Brother 3, but someone else even more so. Not Shannen Doherty – Xena? One of the Donnas? Does anyone else know who I’m talking about? Kelly and Cristy find Paige’s paintings and start making fun of them. OK, on the surface that sounds really catty and crappy, but... I mean, we have to consider the paintings. They’re basically from the Unicorn And Rainbow Stickers All Over A Notebook That’s Most Likely Purple School of Art. One’s a giant red heart against a blue sky saying "LOOKING FOR LOVE." No, really. The other one’s a poem on a multicolored arch with fluffy clouds on a purple background that begins, "Feel my realness... one on one... one soul in two – " AAACK!!! Come back, Mojo! All is forgiven! So yeah, I’d be cracking up too if I were there.

Later it became a huge scandal when Cristy stole Paige’s picture in the middle of the night and vandalized it, changing "Looking For Love" to "Looking For Big Piece of Meat." OK, granted, overall that was a pretty crappy thing to do, and Cristy was pretty nonchalant when confronted about it, but again... consider the original painting. It was so sappy I’m not surprised someone had the urge to vandalize it. It’s kind of like a "family" restaurant in the town where I grew up that called itself "Mother Tucker’s." That’s just asking for trouble.

So the cat’s let out of the bag that whichever woman the guy chooses will win one million dollars, checks addressed to each of them are distributed, and in a weak attempt at humor, Laura tries to hang onto hers. It’s not funny, but just because it’s lame, not because of what Paige starts spewing from out of nowhere: "I didn’t think it was funny! I thought it was disgusting! It made me sick to my stomach!" Oh, get off the cross, honey, we need the wood. Furthermore, it’s not like Paige is all that averse to making a buck or two herself: Laura isn’t the one with her own official website, LovePaigeJones.com, where you can buy such paraphernalia as the Official LovePaigeJones.com Classic Thong, Camisole, Frosted Beer Mug, and Gourmet Quick Chopper Apron. No, I’m not kidding.

There’s a lot of clucking about how MATERIALISTIC Kelly is, and yeah, the constant namedropping and financial references ("Most people I associate with make more than that as their annual salary!") grate, but she does have a point when she says a million dollars isn’t all that much. I mean, it is, but certainly not to where you’d be set for life or anything, especially after taxes, and you could easily blow through it pretty quickly if you weren’t careful.