For Love or Money's Second Episode: The Good, the Bad, and the Sleazy

Last week's first episode of For Love or Money introduced us to reality TV's newest villain, Evil Kelly. Among Kelly's nefarious deeds were excessive name-dropping, prancing around in a bikini, and being generally drunk and obnoxious late at night. Naturally, Rob the bachelor chose her to continue on - what fun would the show be without a villain? But just as every reality TV show needs a villain that everybody loves to hate, every show also needs a good guy to root for. This week's episode confirms what many of us suspected last week - the Snow White to Kelly's Wicked Queen is none other than sweet young Paige. Now all we have to do is sit back and cheer for Good Paige to defeat Evil Kelly in the name of true love. Right? Turns out, it's not so simple.

The episode begins with Good Paige looking squeaky clean and innocent, excitedly saying that she now has a one-in-ten chance of winning. In contrast, a lip-glossed, perfectly made-up Evil Kelly tells us, "I love to see what dirty little secrets and what sides come up with competitiveness." Evil Kelly is about to find out, when Jordan the host announces that only eight of the ten women will go on group dates with Rob. The remaining two must stay home from the ball and scrub the floors. I might have made that last part up. Jordan adds a dirty little twist that the voting will not be anonymous - each woman must reveal which of their rivals they voted against. To the surprise of absolutely no one, Kelly receives five votes. Five. That's half of the votes. Kelly refuses to let her nefarious schemes be thwarted, collecting each of the tablets with her name on them (no doubt in hopes of making voodoo dolls of her enemies) and declares, "I just feel so special!" and privately hopes that not going on the group date will mean more one-on-one time with Rob.

But what's this? Good Paige is tied with Melissa for the second most votes! No doubt the other women are intimidated by her inherent purity and decency. Paige looks like she's on the verge of tears. Jordan directs the women to look under their plates. Whoever has a heart under her plate wins the cheesy centerpiece at the wedding reception. Wait, no that's not it - whoever has the heart gets to choose whether Melissa or Paige goes on the date. Good Paige looks under her plate and sees a bright red heart. She says that this is an important and rare opportunity to spend time with Rob, so... she's going to let Melissa go in her place. A voice in the background yells, "You idiot! Go on the date!" Sorry, that was me yelling at the TV. Because Paige is the Good Girl, she gives up her opportunity to go to the ball with the prince, and says, "I felt like I was being the bigger person." She hopes that her good karma will help her in the long run.

We see the other eight women go on their dates with Rob and it becomes clear that Good Paige and Evil Kelly didn't miss much. They probably made better use of their time by teaching all of the mice in the mansion to sing (Paige) and conjuring wicked love spells (Kelly). Rob spends the sailing date sneaking below deck to kiss Laura, actually photographing the two of them kissing, which strikes me as weird and serial killer-ish. On the second date, in a white linen suit that would be right at home on an old-time riverboat, Rob throws grapes in the air and attempts to catch them in his mouth while the women contemplate whether or not this moron is really worth a million bucks.

The next activity is for the women to cook dinner for Rob. Evil Kelly immediately takes over the kitchen, bossing the other girls around and planning the menu. Admittedly, her food sounds awesome - corn salsa and steak, yum! But we already know from last week's cookies that keeping Rob well fed is part of Evil Kelly's diabolical scheme.

Kelly then proceeds to abandon that scheme - and all of the work in the kitchen - to go off alone with Rob. She and Rob flirt and canoodle on the couch, and she asks him if he's given any thought to the upcoming elimination. Rob is reticent, and Kelly asks, "You don't have any ideas in your head?" Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. Have you heard Rob speak? The answer to that question is a resounding "No!" Meanwhile, the other women are in the kitchen trying frantically to cook dinner. They have, at this point, stopped complaining about Kelly bossing them around and have switched to complaining that Kelly's not there to tell them what to do. They dispatch Good Paige to get Evil Kelly away from Rob and back into the kitchen.

Good Paige awkwardly interrupts Evil Kelly and Rob's snuggling to tell her, "The girls really want you to help out with the pasta." They need help with the pasta? Boil the water. Put the pasta in the pot. Cook it for ten minutes! Yep, I can see why they need ten people to execute that complicated process. Evil Kelly accepts her banishment to the scullery. Good Paige takes advantage of this opportunity to give Rob the old "tour of the house" and winds up kissing him.

Over dinner, Good Paige gives a toast to "the uncertainty of the day." It's a nicer toast than the one Kelly had planned, "To the blood of the innocent." Rob asks the women why they voted for "poor, sweet, lovely Kelly." The girls mutter awkwardly while Evil Kelly cuddles up to Rob. Score another point for Evil.